Re:my mother is drivinig me crazy today. I don't even have a name for

July 18, 2010

It sounds like your mom or nada as we calll them has BPD. I'm not an expert but

they always distort reality and live in a fantasy world of their own making.

They blame us for everything and since we were taught and indoctrinated so early

on to please them or there would be hell to pay in the form of abuse of some

kind, we do their bidding no matter how bizarre. We are dehumanized - no matter

what we do it isn't enough or good enough - we are not to have our own thoughts

- we are clones of THEM (especially as we get older) and it seems that we never

quite measure up to how 'perfect' they are so we're a disappointment. The

disease is nicknamed " I hate you - don't leave me " which in some respects sums

it up nicely. One minute they hate us for no reason - the next they love us and

we're saints. In MY case since I am an only child I am both good AND evil but

the evil wins hands down more often than not.

Your mother (nada) operates it seems like the 'waif'. There are four distinct

types within BPD and they can operate as any of them of course at will. They

don't even know they're doing it and God forbid most if not all of them think

they're perfect so of course this is all OUR fabrication IF we ever had the

audacity to bring it up which of course we would not because they would never

believe us and we'd be disowned or worse. The waif is helpless; blames everyone

else for their troubles; is extremely needy and I believe fears abandonment most

of all.

The witch operates in, as the name suggests, witch mode. She is vindictive;

nasty; vicious mouthed; verbally abusive; insulting and mean.

The hermit operates in, as that name suggests, unable to go out of the house for

one reason or another; unable to function well in the outside world if at all

and acts like an infant in my mind who needs someone else to take care of all

their needs.

The Queen operates as " I know it all " - " I'm always right " - " Everyone else is

wrong " - " You are to obey me 100% " - " I come first and I am #1 in your life or

else heads will roll " .

I read these somewhere also that might help you figure out if your nada is BPD.

1. Unstable relationships. Intense emotions - people are all good or all bad -

no shades of grey.

2. Intense fear of abandonment.

3. Chronic feeling of emptiness. Needs someone with them at all times. Full

of self-hatred or disgust. Unstable self-image.

4. Intense inappropriate anger out of nowhere - escalates into physical

confrontations.

5. Life threatening behaviors such as promiscuity or bulimia.

6. Getting negative attention is better than getting none at all.

7. Self-mutilation or suicidal behavior.

8. Internal turmoil.

9. Idealizes loved one (male or female partner) and then for no reason turns

on that person - love/hate relationship. One week or even minute, the loved one

is wonderful - the next week horrible. This can vary from minute to minute;

hour by hour; day to day or month to month etc.

10. Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses.

11. Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently.

12. Periods of paranoia - loss of contact with reality.

13. Wide mood swings.

14. All of their problems are someone else's fault.

It is thought by many experts that it begins as sexual abuse as a child or

neglect and/or abandonment. This makes perfect sense to me since my nada

(mother) was all of those as her father was an alcoholic who she says incested

her from the age of two. My nada's one sister (the only one she speaks to)

told me years ago now that he incested her (she didn't know that my nada had

told me that as far back as I could remember too). Obviously an active,

non-recovering alcoholic father automatically neglects and/or abandons his

children for the bottle.

It helps to remember that emotionally they are a two year old trapped in an

adult's body. They are incapable of empathy; manipulative; self-centered and

have raging vengefulness over real or imagined slights to them.

They know how to find our weak spots to hurt us where it hurts the most.

It also takes at least a year of intense group therapy or private therapy to

unravel their BPD and this is, of course, next to impossible because as I said

earlier, they are always right and perfect so they'd never get help to begin

with.

Live your own life. Do what is good for YOU. Don't let her make you feel

guilty (easier said than done). I hope this helps.

July 18, 2010

thank you so much for that informative post. I have read bits and pieces about

the waif but I am not sure if she qualified. She is never histrionic, but she is

manipulative and wounding and I think it's from being extremely angry inside but

she would never admit is. She is either very cold and practically ignores me or

she is pitiful and expects me to be her lay therapist but I can't do that any

longer. She is sometimes in a good mood and normal. The thing that causes me the

most pain is her confiding in me about her husband and treating her abusively

and then when he would do the same things to me it was because I deserved it or

" abused him " and got what I deserved. I have always 'stood up to' my father

which I'm only recently learning is a waste of time, like Randi posted the other

day to 'not argue, take care of yourself'. I always argued when he was abusive

but it just brought me down to his level and exhausted me. My mother's switching

back and forth so much between being loyal to him (when he abused me) to being

the victim (when he abused her) is one of the reasons I thought she had mpd. i

will probably never know. But it does prove that in at least this aspect she has

a demonstrated lack of empathy. She has always been an overeater and has always

been overweight. The other stuff is kind of 'so-so' in terms of whether it fits

or not. Ironically I know of so many women who have the waif type stuff, because

they are not causing scenes, etc, I suppose we may be the ones that worry about

whether we are the craziest.

>

> It sounds like your mom or nada as we calll them has BPD. I'm not an expert

but they always distort reality and live in a fantasy world of their own making.