Positive and uplifting (Re: update on my work situation with BP supervisor)

[Guest guest]

Thanks!!

I know the achievement for me is that she will probably back off and not be as

awful towards me, and things may improve a little bit. But the bigger

achievement for me, is that I found out that I am no longer afraid. I claim all

of myself: I am a whole human being with fears, anxieties and anger. In fact,

I see now that a BP inserts themselves inside yourself, between you and your

emotions, so that they control you that way to be their punching bag. I claim

all of me, and no BP can ever again insert themselves inside my mind. My mind

is free!

I can honestly say, I faced my worst fear, I went face to face with my demon,

and I was impressed with my ability to hold the demon accountable and to

maintain a professional manner myself. And, so what if I get angry? Unlike my

nada, who always made me being " so angry " the big issue in the entire FOO, I see

now that I am a normal person, and I actually got angry another time this week

at someone else, and I totally went overboard. I went back and apologized and

it was cool. I am human, and I am okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's almost as if the meeting at work was the deepest therapy session for me.

It was like one of those therapies where you have to face your worst fears to

overcome them. And, there were specific patterns that I have lived with for a

long time, that fell away. One pattern was the fear of my own

anger/anxiety/panic, that has kept my life rigis and controlled for as long as I

have been alive. I broke through that barrier, I am no longer afraid of my

emotions. No, nada, my anger is not the problem in the FOO.

Another pattern that was broken in the work meeting was the way the BP controls

my communication with the other people around. For example, in the meeting I

was able to release some of the tension and fear with which she had us

controlled. This was a really profound release in my personal life as well. One

of the things that makes me the most angry, and I have seen this reported on

here many times, is that by going NC and cutting myself out of the FOO

entanglement/enmeshment/manipulative circus, I also had to cut off contact with

A LOT of extended FOO and old time FOO friends, people who knew me as a child,

people that I share special memories with. Most of all, by going NC, I cut off

my Fada, who was not perfect but a lot more nurturing than nada. My fada and I

always did share a special relationship, and it is so sad that nada took that

from me too.

Well, in the meeting and, asyou can see in the email I posted here, it was not

right that I have my dream job and am afraid to talk with my co workers!!! At

the meeting, I broke some of that ice, tried to melt it with warmth and

compassion.

But, in the next days, I called Fada and I shared parts of my life with him that

I have not shared in years. I was always trying to control myinformation,

because I was so afraid that anything I let fada know, nada could use against

me. I am not afraid anymore. Let me say that again!! I am no longer afraid!!!

I know now that I have the solidity of mind such that if I had to deal with

nada, just like Ms BP at work, she could not ever manipulate me again.

I needed to be NC to heal myself and I needed to be NC to build a life outside

the network of manipulation that nada makes. But, now I also have the mind

strength to go back. I want to go back and be in touch with friends and family,

and most of all, fada, because many of these people are older. I don't know

what form this will take, but I may have to deal with nada in the FOO house. I

think I can do it now. I won't stay there, and I can always get in the car and

drive away.

I know it will be hard, especially not to be hoovered in again. But, I would

regret it if Fada died and my fear of nada had prevented me from spending time

with him. So many of the close FOO friends who know me as a child are older

now, and we all must die someday.

Maybe all that fear and anger and hurt I carried for so long, just maybe it

doesn't matter now. The past is gone. I have created a life that is in a safe

place, and they could not touch me if they tried now. I would be able to

prevent that. Most of all, my mind belongs to me now, completely!

I don't know when this will take place, going to visit, but it will happen

somehow.

I didn't choose the FOO I was born into, but because it is my FOO, I do have to

deal with all that it came with. Most of all, their are children, my nieces,

that I have never met, who are being raised by nada. I need to go back for

them, even if it's just once or twice a year, just so they can hear someone

stand up to nada in an intelligent and respectful way. I know I can do it.

There was a bodhissatva (enlightened being) who upon their death bed, asked to

be sent to hell, when asked why, the enlightened being said, so I can help the

souls there.

I refuse to let my suffering be in vain. If I can go back to the FOO, and ask

the intelligent questions and stand up to nada in the way that I just stood up

at work to Ms BP, then I could point the way for fada and my nieces, or am I

just being too hopeful?

Most of all, I miss my fada, and the special relationship we had. I also am sad

since he is very old, and I don't want him to die without us sharing more time.

If I have to face nada to have time with him, I don't know what else to do. He

keeps setting it up like that, I ask him, may I meet you without nada, and he

says, you can come here and visit us both... I guess I can see him as a victim

of nada, too.

Can I hold fada accountable if he is not able to use his free will? If you are

dealing with a BP, you don't own your own mind.

Hugs, would be happy to hear your responses!!

Walkingto Happiness

> >

> > Hi my support network! How are you all doing?

> >

> > I feel great. I don't even care about my position so much, although I do

care, but the bigger reality of my life right now is that I have achieved a

really big step. I wish you could all throw me a party!!

> >

> > Many of you have kept up with my trials and tribulations at work on here. I

landed my dream dream dream job, except for one small detail:

> > Ms BP, my supervisor who clearly displays BP characteristics and behaviors

on a regular basis.

> >

> > I have posted on here, my frustrations and anxieties, and how within my

first days on the job, I fell into her trap of telling her my skeleton in my

closet, I felt nervous because I get angry and anxiety and panic I had told her,

unfortunately. Well, it's just been months of hell and intimidation.

> >

> > I have worked really hard at this situation, found a lot of support on here,

and I have a mentor who understands about BPD who has walked me through all my

daily struggles with a lot of patience and nurturing. Gosh, it has been a

struggle!

> >

> > Well, one thing I did was document document document, and I brought it to

people above her several months ago. It was so scary. She had me so scared

that I was afraid to talk to other people at my dream job! I was terrified. I

was so anxious as well.

> >

> > I went through a lot. Well, one thing she seems to do on a regular basis is

smear campaigns. And, my mentor helped me to start a regular coffee group and

through that, I have some strong allies and friends at work. These allies and

friends have validated my reality that Ms BP is nuts and not a positive manager.

They also have talked with me and brought to my attention that I need to do

something, or else I will lose my job. I have been annoyed with these allies,

because I thought they were trying to use me to take her out. They kept saying

things like, " this is personal " and I would say " no no, it's just professional " .

I was distrustful of them sometimes...

> >

> > I have gotten really frustrated with administration, that I have documented

really outrageous things, and they won't do anything, it seems! I felt upset

that I had built my NC life in such a way that no BP nor their web of

manipulation could touch me, and I was angry at the universe for sending me a BP

in the one place that is completely mine; my career, about which I am really

serious!!!

> >

> > Then, this miracle happened. I don't know yet what it means in terms of my

work situation, but I do know that this was really really profound on the level

of my healing and personal development. One strategy that Ms BP apparently uses

regularly is to not give me necessary information for my job, have me mess up,

and then go make a smear campaign about how horrible my performance is. This

just happened, except for that I see the pattern, and my mentor assured me that

I did nothing wrong; she was wrong for withholding information necessary for me

to do my job. My allies talked with me recently and got me all worked up; I was

annoyed at them and even thought, why do they get me all worked up. Then, I

realized, the worked up part was inside me. It was fear.

> >

> > Apparently, Ms BP used her smear campaign to go to the supervisor above her.

Unbeknownst to her, I have already met with him regularly, and shared with him

the incidents that I have documented. He called me in for a meeting yesterday,

and I popped in with no preparation whatsoever. Usually I get my mentor on the

phone, and she was not available, so with about one hour notice, I tried to

breathe and calm myself and I did the best I could.

> >

> > I now thank you my allies for making me realize how much fear I had inside

of me, and they really were watching out for me, by encouraging me to take

action. Although it's not easy, and it's hard,

> > I did stand up.

> > so, yesterday, I went into the supervisor of Ms. BP's office, and it was

just him and I, and we talked. And unbeknowst to me, suddenly Ms BP and the

other people in our division came in. Apparently, this was a meeting of the

entire division. Holy cow!! I did this meeting without any preparation,

without any coaching from my mentor, nothing. Usually I need a bullleted list

in my hand to focus on during a meeting; I get so nervous!!!

> >

> > The supervisor above Ms. BP pretty much started out the meeting by saying, I

know there are problems in this division, and I think we can all agree these

need to be straightened out. He didn't say much more for the rest of the

meeting. It was tough, I pretty much ran the meeting. I have no idea where

that strength came in. It came from somewhere inside that is a place FREE OF

FEAR and full of good intentions for the greater good. It was amazing. Every

trick that Ms BP tried to use, I stopped her in her tracks. I stomped and

stomped on those eggshells!!!!!! I had no idea I had that in me!!!

> >

> > wow. It doesn't even matter about the job, it's gonna go whatever way it's

meant to be. What matters is that I reclaimed my life in that meeting

yesterday. I will never again live with fear. All that fear that was holding

me back, is gone. I addressed everything.

> >

> > Highlights from the meeting for you to laugh at and have joy with me:

> >

> > MS. BP stood up and the rest of us were sitting. She started talking

standing. I stood up, looked her in the eye, and said " I can stand too " . She

sat down.

> >

> > At the end, in the last five minutes, Ms. BP said " You won't last long here,

I have this on you and this and this " and proceeded to list several things that

I had already documented from my end with the supervisor above her. He caught

my eye and I said " Yes, I think we have discussed (this item). "

> >

> > The really positive thing is, that this meeting is going to improve the

atmosphere with the other people in my division. We have been working under a

BP management, and so our division is filled with distrust, tattling to her,

etc, I am sure you can imagine, lots of triangulation, etc. I pointed things

out, these patterns, in specific details and layman's language, and I spoke

about my hope for the future that we could repair our relationships and work

towards an atmosphere of more openess, trust, and collaboration in the future.

Also, some unresolved issues came up and I was able to tell my side of the

story. The air was filled with some, just a little bit, of clear communication,

for the first time since I got there!

> >

> > In the last few minutes, Ms. BP used her authority and threw her weight

around. I kind of gave her attitude, which made me look bad, I think, but my

mentor, when I discussed it with her, said that's fine, you got mad, that's

normal. I am no longer afraid of getting angry. It's okay.

> >

> > I think the achievement for me here is much larger than this job. I would

love to stay at this job, and I have no idea what the longterm outcome will be.

Ms BP seems to have a lot of people in this place manipulated, you know how

their tentacles reach really far. Also, she kept twisting and turning facts

around in her mouth during the meeting such that it made me look bad. I am so

glad that I documented things earlier on, and I just wish I had documented

more!!!

> >

> > I do know that I feel like I was stuck for a long time, and I am coming

unstuck and more free! in my personal development. As I was split bad growing

up, fear of my anger and my anxiety have been large issues for me that have

prevented me from participating in life in a meaningful way. I mean, here I am

at my dream job and I am afraid to talk with people!!! This is the story of my

life, but not anymore.

> >

> > I have to say, that I am going through this amazing transformation at every

level. Does anyone watch Hoarders? I have been working on clearing out my

clutter in a really big way, and I am finishing some projects this summer that

have been sitting around neglected for years. It's like I am finally moving

past this major block that had me very very stuck: The Fear and the fear of my

own anger and the fear of my anxiety.

> >

> > When I told my mentor all about this meeting, she congratulated me and said

" wow, you just handled an intense, stressful conversation with a BP in a really

intelligent way. The only way to keep BPs in line is to hold them accountable

for their actions. "

> >

> > I don't know what to expect out of this. After all, I grew up in a

household where I brought nada's actions and behaviors to the attention of my

Fada a million times, and he condoned it and let it go on. I am hoping in a

work situation, the managers would be concerned about this situation, but who

knows? I mean, I saw clear as day her behaviors, and I worked hard to point

them out in layman's language, but that is all I can do. The rest is up to the

universe and the powers that be. At the very least, I have acted proactively on

my part.

> >

> > I also feel great because having confided in her at the beginning of my job

there, and been fearful for a while worked in my favor, because she really seems

to have seen me as meek and I don't think she saw me coming yesterday. Holy

cow, I just laid bare all her tricks and manipulations, I just don't know how

receptive the audience was.

> >

> > Well, pray for me that the audience was receptive, and also, congratulate me

on my achievements in the personal development level. I just may be closer to

happiness than I have ever been. Let the light shine on the darkness!!! I have

to go and work on this project that has seriously been sitting around for four

years, I think I finally can finish it now.

> >

> > Hugs hugs hugs,

> > Your friend Walking to Happiness!

> >

>