fear has me in a deathgrip, need some help getting out of it

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I'm pretty new to the board and haven't posted very much. I have found reading

various posts helps me greatly in so many ways and are also very comforting.

However, I need some help with the lingering fear I have from my stepnada that

is turning out to be much bigger than I had previously been aware of. my mom and

stepmom are both BPD, but things are at a reasonable place with my nada. She

lives in another state, we don't see each other very much (once a year at most),

and have limited phone contact. Since our contact is limited I am able to

maintain positive phone calls when we do talk, which is nice. The relationship

is far from perfect, but it is much better than it has been (I think partly

owing to her mother dying about a year and a half ago).

The issues now is my stepnada. I have very recently gone NC with her and my dad

and still have some significant fear in a number of areas. The first fear area,

which is not as bad as it was and is slowly subsiding, is the immediate " is she

gonna try to get me? " " what is she gonna say that violates me or takes things I

told her in confidence against me? " However, I have not heard from her in over a

month, so I don't think this is going to be an issue.

The fear that is really turning out to be bigger than I thought is the fear of

doing well. I'm trying to lose 30 pounds and am about to quit smoking again (my

quit date will be in August sometime), and I am reapplying to grad school this

fall. So I am really working very hard to make some very positive changes in my

lifestyle and for my health, as well as to continue to advance my career and be

able to work towards some long-term financial security and well being. Given the

many issues I have faced over the years, these are things I have been working

towards for most of my adult life (I'll be 31 in a few months).

My stepnada was always the cruelest to me when I was doing well and my fear of

her cutting me down when I'm doing well is far more deep seated and MUCH

stronger than I thought. The irony of the whole situations is that I was so

severely depressed for so long (about 22 or 23 years, partially due to her

treatment of me), that her cutting me down totally prevented me from realizing I

had any worthwhile qualities whatsoever. In reality, I have since come to

realize (through years of therapy and intense spiritual/religious devotion),

that I have many amazing qualities and am actually a very sweet, nice person,

which I am incredibly humble and grateful about. However, due to my fear, I have

a knee jerk response to stay in my comfort zone and not move in any direction

for fear of her judgment. When I do well, she cuts me down, when I fail, it

makes her happy because then her children are clearly still " superior " to me (I

am smarter and prettier than her children are, and have far more common sense

and people skills- after about a year in therapy, I started to identify with

Cinderella, to my complete surprise).

I suspect some of the fear might be because the NC has been so recent (it's been

less than 2 months). I think some of it is also having my stepsister on my

Facebook. My stepnada is not, but I still don't really trust my stepsister and

on some level feel like they will find a way to ruin my happiness and success.

Some of my concern is that she will find a way to break contact or something

will happen in the family for her to break contact. I know she's vindictive and

will wait as many years as she has to in order to get her " revenge. " When her

and my father (who I have no relationship with b/c his marriage to her is more

important than his relationship with me and he's said this is so many words

before) celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary, they sent cards to the

people who thought their marriage wouldn't work out and they were nasty cards.

The first time I knowingly went NC with her, she waited a year for her 'perfect "

opportunity to tell me off, which resulted in an even lengthier period of me

going NC.

I am determined to make this NC as permanent as possible. This is partially

because dealing with my nada easily gets exhausting, but it is important for me

to maintain a relationship with her. So partially, I do not have the energy,

strength, or desire to manage relationships with 2 BPD's in maternal roles. One

is all I can reasonably handle. The other reason is through my trial NC periods

in my 20's, I have realized my life is truly better and happier without her in

it. I am not afraid to pursue my various ambitions, to fail (which I have since

come to realize is a normal and healthy part of life), my anxiety is lower, I am

less depressed, and in general, enjoy life more.

I am at a point where it is important that I continue to push myself to help

continue with all these lifestyle changes I want to make, and in my mind,

complete the transition from victim to survivor. I want this to be done and to

be able to move on without looking back, which I have been able to do previously

many times in a number of areas. I know I can do this, but it almost feels like

my fear of her is like a safety mechanism holding me back that I have not yet

learned to disarm. Any and all suggestions, ways of looking at it, and so on and

so forth are welcome. If anyone is curious for more information about various

things, I will be happy to oblige.

Sorry this is so long and thank you to everyone on here for posting. Simply

reading the posts gives me great comfort and helps give me strength by knowing

I'm not the only one in a situation like this.

le