I`m still here, reading the post and any emails I get!

January 11, 2010

I`ve been keeping up with all of the post. Just haven`t been able to sit and

type much as a respnse to any of them. Somedays I really don`t want to be here.

Terry, I am so happy you invested in the mattress for yourslf. I know from

experience that spending money on something that may make us feel better is a

very hard thing to do. I`m thinking with me it`s that I don`t feel I deserve it

when I can not contribute anything to the household, or keep up my house the way

I would like. Yet I know I`m the only one that feels that way.

I have been lucky and never lost any of my medication or at it ruined in one way

or the other. I don`t know what I would do without it.

Do any of you who are confined to the house feel like you are in a prison like I

do. I get out from time to time and it feels great, but I`m never sure the price

I will pay for it is worth it. I have some friends who understand, and others

who don`t. What gets me is they all want me to come to their place for coffee,

but it seems like none of them can find time to stop out here. I always blame

the fact that my home may not be up to there standards, and then when I do go to

theres I realize theirs are the same, and the don`t have the problems I do.

Besides, my house is never really unpresntable. I try hard to keep it looking

decent. Justt can`t get at the walls, windows and floors like I would like too.

The 15th is the day I go in for a placement of a pain pump. I`m scared to death,

but my family has so many hopes that it will help me. I guess it`s the fear of

the unknown that has me so nervous. I hear good and I hear bad. But I`m near

positive I need to try, because I can`t go on like this. I`ve been doing all the

reading I can about it since my trial.

Does anyone know of anyone who has one. I would be happy with a 50% change in my

life. Just nervous about having that thing in me. I`m small and wonder where

they will go with it.

I`m depressed, lonely and miserable, and I could use any words of encouragement

one might have to offer. I will try to post more and make it shorter.

Thanks Kaylene for your letters. They really boost my spirits when I see one pop

up. Enough for now,

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