air conditioning

[Guest guest]

Hi all--another nada memory hit just now. She wouldn't let me have control over

the temperature of the house. There was a separate air conditioner in the kids'

part of the house. But, even after we were grown, she could not stand for us to

have control of the temperature--even though she spent no time there. Time

after time, she would march into the kids part of the house, and, in both winter

and summer, make it hotter than was comfortable for me. She claimed it was

because it cost her too much money to keep it cool. And she shamed me hard,

like I was some kind of 'gros' person because I preferred it cooler than her.

It felt terrible to me and she NEVER got tired of it. It was really terrible.

I really hated it. Having complete control over the air conditioning is one

thing I truly love about being NC.

I think this was akin to her obsession over trying to control what food we ate,

and when (even after we grew, and my father, as well). Anything over which she

had 'control', you can bet she would try and use it to manipulate and force

attention for herself.

Nada was not capable of even one real give and take communication. Literally

every word she ever said to me was an attempt to create some result that she

wanted. Even good treatment (when it came--rarely) was designed to give her the

pleasure of enmeshment and projecting her 'good' qualities onto me--or, if in

front of others, of showing them what a 'good' mother she was and that I was

'mean' and wrong for accusing her. She never had an unselfish purpose. Every

goal of hers was nefarious. It's sad for me because I've always felt the

'techniques' of learning to deal with bpds would be of no use to me in this

regard. She has not one good goal. Literally every word or actions of hers

would have to have a consequence; if I were to object and set boundaries for

everything objectionable she said, she would not be able to talk at ALL. For,

even when she was not focused on me, she would want to harm someone else via

gossip and severe denigration, oversexualize something (like a person or a tv

show), complain about her woes and mistreatment, brag about how some man 'liked'

her or flirted with her (often, of course, a waiter or a priest), dig for info

she could use on my siblings or especially their boyfriends/girlfriends, trash

my father or trash them for her triangulation purposes.

Nada has one serious hobby, and I have about three memories of her actually

teaching me about it. These are good memories; they were the only times nada

ever had conversations with me that were not 100% obsessed with herself. I

still retain all she taught me about her hobby. But I see now that even those

three times, it was only because she had split me good, and was trying to enmesh

and have me 'be' her.

Oops. This turned into a rant!

Best,

Charlie