Venting about difficult obligations

July 14, 2010

I've had difficult years with my nada, horrid days and moments. Today wasn't

actually one of them but it wasn't great. I'm an only child, she has no friends,

my step-Dad died almost 2 years ago and I feel like I have to do something to

help her. I've set my limits, I tune out most everything she says. But I'm still

so tired.

Today she talked non-stop, faster than normal to make sure I knew every little

frustration, pain, annoyance, etc. that she was feeling. How uplifting. Then I

had to take her to a dr. appt. She'll be having cataract surgery. She did her

usual inappropriate behavior. When the young doctor came in, she told him how

good looking he was. He was polite and said thank you. He went over her medical

record, did a quick exam, talked a bit about the surgery. When he was finished

she said she wanted to kiss him. He didn't respond to that. And I refuse to step

in and cover for her.

The rest of the day kept going like that. The doctor's office called me at home

this evening (why not call her?) and scheduled her pre-op appt. and surgery and

follow up dates. All I can think of is being around her over and over again

while she goes through this. I came right out and asked " will I have to spend

the night with her after the surgery? " The nurse kind of hesitated and I added

" Please say no.' She said it would depend on how she's doing, whether she was

independent or needed hand holding. Well, sh*t, we all know the answer to that.

When my Dad was dying, my husband and I spent days and nights over there for a

week. I thought I was going to explode listening to her complain non-stop while

my Dad laid there in pain. The house is filthy, stinks and it's hard to be

there.

I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I shouldn't look ahead too far. Just take

it one day at a time and get through it. My husband and I would like to travel

but we feel trapped. She keeps saying that one day she'll die and then we'll be

free to travel. Well, heck, what if she lives for another 10 years? We'll be too

old then. Who wants to go hiking around Scotland when they're almost 70? But you

can bet if we scheduled a 10 day trip, she would have a crisis of some sort. If

she had to, I think she'd even do something to hurt herself. She was doing this

falling crap for awhile. We never saw any injuries or bruises, just heard her

version of things. Until the day she actually did get hurt. That stopped that.

OK, enough. I need to go to bed, get some rest and start again tomorrow. I won't

be seeing her until next Tuesday with her pre-op appointment. I should be

thankful for that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't the biggest problem in the

world of BP parents but I'm just wiped out.

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