New to this group

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I found out 6 years ago that my mother had been diagnosed as BPD. Before I had a

name for it, I just knew my life growing up was chaotic, empty, confusing and

just plain Hell. I never knew what was wrong with my mother, and through my

adolescence I thought the problem was me. I became addicted to drugs and alcohol

by the time I was 14. I had eating disorders, extreme anxiety and panic attacks

from age 12 until I was in my thirty's. The only time things got better for me

was when I got clean and sober, started attending a 12 step group and cut off

ties with my mom. I got healthy for the first time in my life.

I didn't have contact with her for 6 years until I got a letter from my mother

saying she was dying of cancer. I re-entered into another relationship with

her, thinking I needed to make things OK before she died, which ended up making

me extremely sick all over again. She went on living for the next 5 years ( and

is still living). She made it sound as if death was imminent and I got sucked

into her bizarre manipulative, paranoid behavior all over again. I got involved

in her manipulations and craziness to the point where I almost lost my job, I

quit nursing school for a year, I neglected the needs of my own children all to

take care of her.

A week ago I finally walked away again. I am feeling a lot of guilt about doing

this, but I almost destroyed my life again after working so hard to put it

together in the first place. I am angry that I got manipulated by her again.

I really wish I could explain to people how it is she ruins me. I wish I could

explain how she makes me feel. No one really seems to understand. Not people who

grew up with normal or even slightly less than normal parents. I am hoping to

find some understanding in this group. It is so difficult to deal with a parent

with BPD.