A quick hello at sunrise

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I posted a message on here maybe a year or so ago and have read the

daily digests ever since (or save them in a folder for when i can read them).

I'm so grateful for this group, on days or long nights when i feel

so alone, i have these digests to remind me that I'm not.

I've been in pain/agony since i was 4 years old. I'm 32 in march

and with each passing year, things only ever get worse.

I've had almost daily migraines since age 4. ME/CFS since age 20.

I'm waiting for open heart surgery which i was supposed to have last

September but now that's been postponed, because also in September i

discovered that i had glandular cancer cells in my cervix. 4 weeks later i had

my womb removed through my vagina and the top stitched where it lead to the

womb.

In November i started bleeding heavy down below, within minutes there were 2

inch lumps of blood falling out of me and bouncing off the floor. Within half an

hour my entire bathroom covered in blood. I called an ambulance (i live alone)

and rushed into hospital, where for the next 9 hours blood squirted out like a

fountain all night with 2 pints of blood attached to each arm. I had 8 blood

transfusions in total including the operation to stitch me back up internally. I

nearly died twice on the operating table.

To make my stay just perfect, i lay in 3 inches of freezing cold

blood all night, my catheter bag was bursting for over half an hour

before they changed it and then a few hours after my op, the surgeon

came in and verbally tore me to shreds, accusing me of having sex just 4 weeks

after the vaginal hysterectomy causing the tear internally.

When i told him i hadn't he called me a liar and had me in tears. My

boyfriend was furious when he found out.

So its now January, i'm still waiting for my cancer results to see

how deep it had spread. I'm extremely ill with my usual stuff and still have

open heart surgery to look forward to whenever it can be done.

Its now 7.23am. My sleep pattern is now nocturnal due to a few

nights up all night with usual pains. My boyfriend is staying over so im lying

in my spare room so i don't have to lie there listening to

snoring all night. I made it to 3.30am before i started to lose the

will to live lol.

Anyway, as you'll have noticed by now I'm having a rant to try and

stop my mind from unraveling. Its funny how sometimes one night can

often feel longer than my whole 32 years of being alive.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you all on a daily basis so we

can all keep the patience and strength needed to conquer each day and night.

All my love,

xxx