New Bed

[Guest guest]

I talked my husband into buying a memory foam mattress pad for our bed. We

bought one, but only because he wanted to buy one for his princess daughter, and

the only reason we didn't get her one is because she couldn't remember what size

sheets she uses for her bed.

That was before Christmas, and before we knew I had a ruptured disc in my neck.

The memory foam didn't completely unroll, and had a few kinks in it, which

amounted to ridges, which took two weeks and a lot of work by me, to get

smoothed out.

I had a really bad cold, and got too run down to return it, and he gets

embarrassed by the thought of returning things to a store. There is probably an

official medical term for that kind of phobia.

Well, after the news about the ruptured disc, and the other stuff that is wrong

with me, he decided that I needed a better mattress for my twin bed, which I now

sleep on in order to avoid being shaken by him, because being shaken causes me

to be mad at him.

Forget the idea that being shaken might cause more pain or damage to my other

discs or my spine! He gets this way every year, after having spent too much time

with his ex wife and their 2 grown kids during the holidays.

He also compares my lifestyle to his daughter and her two children, because they

appear to live in abject poverty, and I live in the comfort and luxury he

provides, and don't have to work like other married women do. I also choose to

live without street drugs and the people who have lost their children because of

those little habits.

I asked for a new twin mattress and memory foam, and he decided to be generous.

We bought a queen set with 2 inches memory foam, and 2 inches of regular foam

built onto the mattress top. I was absolutely elated! It was like sleeping on a

great big pillow!

This morning, I woke up in my new bed, and for the first time in years, my

shoulders and hips didn't hurt. He then said that maybe I could get back to

normal again, with all this pain nonsense gone, and no more prescriptions for

pain medications.

Then I remembered that while I was getting ready for bed, he was talking on the

phone with his son, who also partakes in lots of little habits as his sister

with the 2 kids, and appears to live in abject poverty because of those habits.

Now I am sad again, because he is right back to not accepting my condition as a

reality, comparing my prescriptions to not being any better than recreational

drug use. Drug abuse with a doctor's permission.

I am back to feeling trapped, humiliated, and frustrated again. He fails to

accept the differences between chronic pain and intractable pain. I liked waking

up with no hip or shoulder pain. For now, that will just have to be enough.

I am ready to stop trying to teach him about my prescription medicines, because

he still opposes their use, prides himself in not needing them, and believes

that the medications are causing my pain.

[Guest guest]

>Bonvivant wrote:

> I am back to feeling trapped, humiliated, and frustrated again. He fails to

accept the differences between chronic pain and intractable pain. I liked waking

up with no hip or shoulder pain. For now, that will just have to be enough.

>

> I am ready to stop trying to teach him about my prescription medicines,

because he still opposes their use, prides himself in not needing them, and

believes that the medications are causing my pain.

Bonvlvant,

Download, " The Survival Guide for Patients with Intractable Pain " by Dr. Forest

Tenent, at paintopics.org, click the tab that states resources, and there are

many articles to include one for spouses and families of those who live with

those with pain.

http://tinyurl.com/ybbp4uf

What your husband is doing is normal step in accepting a illness of a loved one

which is denial. Some people stay at that step but it

his opinion and NOT yours.

The more you let him bother you, the worse it makes you feel and reinforces he

is right. My Father and Sister did this to me and until I said, " I don't care

how you feel about my condition " , you need to keep it to yourself as it does me

no good and I am sure you don't want to look like a jerk by not caring about

your wife.

By the things you tell us, he cares about others think about him and he needs to

appear all knowing, all healthy, all mighty.

You need to let your Doctor speak to him and hopefully it is a male as he seems

to be chauvinistic but you are not going to change his mind, he has to change it

and hopefully he will be in a situation someday he needs pain medication and

will see.

(I usually don't wish this on anyone but in this case, he needs to experience,

and of course, he probably thinks a drink is okay,

right? )

I will pray for you but you need to use all your energy for yourselves and don't

waste any feelings on this.

Bennie

[Guest guest]

Oh you are so right about the Intractable Pain Handbook. It is my only hope

right now. Of course, I laughed at the comments in the book about removing

all irritating relatives, including children and drug abusers from the

household.

He remembers the severity of pain that I live with only when his own back

problems flare up, but when it subsides, he expects me to do the same. I

used to think that, too. It is difficult to comprehend a condition in which

pain never stops, especially when nothing looks out of place.

Men are very visual, especially men who become mechanics and work under very

strict conditions, in very controlled environments. Somebody in a suit and

tie has done all the creating, drawings, handbooks, and safety rules. It's

the perfect environment for an ADD/OCD sufferer to hide.

He bought me a new bed, which he himself picked out and had to coax me into

trying. Now he expects something in return. Actions and Reactions. I told

him it won't cure my nuropathy, or my ruptured disc, but he will get a good

night's sleep without all my tossing and turning and shuffling with pillows.

And, with a softer bed, I have been able to get into a sound sleep before he

comes home. Sleep deprivation is the number one cause for fibro flares, and

pressure points from a hard mattress can trigger neuropathy flares. He can

keep his old hard bed. I plan on sleeping like a queen!

(Fortunately, it only took one visit to an AA meeting to get him to quit his

cure for emotional upsets, which used to be drinking. That's what all-night

TV is to him; to drown out emotional issues!) I can't do anything about his

denial, and I know I need to try to ignore all his comments.

There is only so much I can do with him until he comes to terms with his own

perceptions, and works to improve his ADD issues. I found some really good

info about adult ADD. He pays more attention when the focus is on helping

him!

Thanks for the extra links.

Bonnadel.

> What your husband is doing is normal step in accepting a illness of a

> loved one which is denial. Some people stay at that step but it

>

> his opinion and NOT yours.

> By the things you tell us, he cares about others think about him and he

> needs to appear all knowing, all healthy, all mighty.

> you are not going to change his mind, he has to change it and hopefully

> he will be in a situation someday he needs pain medication and will see.

> (I usually don't wish this on anyone but in this case, he needs to

> experience, and of course, he probably thinks a drink is okay, right? )

> Bennie

>

>