Are they listening? talking about your pain

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Are they listening? talking about your pain

Contributed by: Lynette Menefee Pujol, Ph.D.

Published: July 29, 2008

Reviewed and approved by: Corsini, MSW, April 2008

According

to a thesaurus, complaining is “to express dissatisfaction, pain or

resentment, usually tiresomely.” Similar words are “bellyache, fuss,

gripe, and whine.” On days when your pain is high, you might feel like

complaining. If you’ve had chronic pain for a long time, you know that

people in your life can get tired of hearing about it and you may even

get tired of talking about it..

Complain or communicate?Given

this definition of ‘complaining,’ you probably don’t want to be around

a complainer, or be one. But sometimes the pain will get the best of

you, and you feel you not only have a ‘right’ to complain, you have a

duty to do so. Then you want to communicate something. This article

discusses how you prefer to communicate, why you have these

preferences, and how to communicate without complaining.

What do you do?

Think

of a rating scale starting with 0 and going to 10. If ‘0’ means that

you never talk about your pain and ‘10’ means that you ‘always’ talk

about your pain, rate where you are with most people.

If you tend to discuss how you feel with almost everyone, your ratings

will be a higher number, but if you tend to more private or quiet about

your pain, your ratings will be lower. Now rate how much you talk about

your pain with:

Your spouse or partnerYour childrenYour best friendA casual acquaintanceA

stranger

There

are many reasons why you do or do not communicate about your pain. Your

ratings are just educated guesses, but here is what they might mean:

If your numbers are mostly on the low end of the scale you may:

Be uncomfortable expressing your painCome from a culture that discourages

talking about problems or painMake it harder for your health care providers

because you don’t tell them what is really going onOnly share with certain

peopleHave accepted your pain and don’t feel a need to talk about itIf your

numbers are mostly on the high end of the scale you may:

Be comfortable expressing how you feelCome from a background that tends to

express feelingsBe accused of ‘exaggerating’ your painShare with lots of

peopleBe very upset with your present situationHave accepted your pain but feel

a need to talk about itHow much ‘should’ you communicate?How

much you talk about your pain and other difficulties is a personal

matter, affected by your personality, the situation, your culture, and

the personalities and cultures of others in your life. For example,

some friends might think it is not polite to ask how you are doing,

while others think that not asking indicates that they don’t care.

As you decide how much communication is best for you, consider the

effect this has on your treatment, friends and family. There is a

delicate balance between sharing enough so people will understand, and

knowing that talking about your pain has a negative effect on

relationships.

Consider having a “script” prepared when you don’t want to say much,

such as, “I don’t like to discuss the details, but thanks for your

concern.” Instead of talking, some couples develop a sign or a number

system to communicate when pain has increased, or is particularly

difficult.

What do you really want?

Before communicating about your pain, decide what you really want. Perhaps it is

to:

Express your emotionsBe understoodGet the attention of peopleReceive better

treatment from your doctorReceive practical support, like help with choresAsk

for suggestions for possible solutionsHow should you say it?

Then

think about how you will communicate what you need. If you feel like

complaining – when this means “griping” – you may be so focused on your

pain, that negative thinking takes over and realistic, accurate

thoughts are replaced with unrealistic, inaccurate ones, such as “I

can’t handle this pain.” Although that may feel true at the time, you

cope with your pain every day and know from experience that better days

will come around.

When you know what you need, and it is not just “griping”, ask for it. Use ‘I”

statements like:

I’m having a lot of pain today and I’d appreciate it if you could take charge of

the children.

I feel that my situation is unfair. Are you willing to listen to me share my

feelings for a while? Then, I’ll to listen to you.

I’m having a hard time standing up for very long today. Will you help me figure

out a solution for this task I need to do?

Family

members or friends may not always be able to give you what you need

when you need it. Be prepared to ask someone else, or to deal with the

difficulty as best you can yourself. On the plus side, you’ll have the

satisfaction of knowing that you confronted your negative feelings and

asked for what you need in a positive manner. Complaining probably

doesn’t help you or others in your life very much. However,

communicating about your pain and circumstances can help.

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