caution: chelsea venting ahead

[Guest guest]

hi all,

i have an appointment with a rheumatologist day after tomorrow. this is to

retest me for r.a. my fibromyalgia diagnosis is under serious doubt as the

joint pain in my hands, wrists, elbows, ankles and feet has increased

exponentially for the last 18 months or so. i just don't have the muscle pain

or the traditional trigger points of fibro. i do have the fatigue and flu-like

symptoms, though. i have tested negative for r.a. in the past, but that was two

and a half years ago, so here we go again. i am assuming that i will test

negative again. the possibility of seronegative r.a. has become a hot topic

with the two internists i see.

i always get very nervous and frightened when i have to go to a new doctor.

will it be the same old drill? will they not believe that my pain is as severe

as it is because i " look fine " ? will i be dismissed, out of hand? will the

specialist report back to my internists that i am crazy or an attention-seeking

drama queen or a pill-hunting junkie and have my meds taken away from me? i

know that there are a percentage of people who have r.a. that test negative, but

no one has ever been able to tell me what happens to those patients. are they

just thrown away? i'm terrified of being dismissed and not believed AGAIN.

along with all this comes the feeling of the futility of it all and the feeling

or personal worthlessness. the feeling of " what good am i to anyone " . i hate

that long, dark tunnel that stretches out before me where physicians just shake

their heads and say " we don't know what's wrong with you " , implying that it's

nothing.

so here i am. very down. very blue. very scared. hopeless.

thanks for letting me vent. i am sorry i am so negative right now and i'm sorry

that i can't capitalize, it really hurts to use the shift key. thanks for being

there.

chelsea