Where are the results of my test?

August 27, 2008

The MRI of my adrenal gland nodule was August 7th. A week later I

called. A person in radiology (?) said the report was only

preliminary. They said they would mail results when it was final.

Last week I thought, " Gee, everything must be ok if I haven't heard

from them. "

Monday I called and my doctor has been on vacation and won't be back

until September 3rd. I asked if another doctor could call me and she

said she would ask Dr. R but she did not think he would want to...

(pause)..interpret the results.

Hmmm. I have to tell you this makes me a little nervous, but the

oddest thing was, when I thought about bad news, I had this joyous

sense of relief. Like there was a chance: that I could be released

from pain; and that I would have a serious, tangible reason for the

pain.

It makes me realize how difficult it is to not feel believed or

validated. To be living in a world of pain and have family and

friends just look the other way.

An analogy came to me...the prisoners at Gitmo: Suffering, invisible

to the world. And my pain is a lot like waterboarding. I am under

water, struggling, suffering and then whoosh, I get a reprieve. What

should I do now? How can I make my life one worth living? Wow, this

relief is great. Hey, I feel angry that this is

happening....WHOOSH...I'm underwater again.

I am grateful I have moments of relief. Are we allowed to quote

poetry here? There is a couplet from a C.S. poem, 'The Naked

Seed,' that I find expresses my feelings in difficult hours:

" ...I have no care for anything thy love can grant

Except the moment's vain

And hardly noticed filling of the moment's want

And to be free from pain... "

Thank you for understanding. I wish you all long peaceful moments

free from pain.

J. Duluth, MN

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