caution: whining ahead

[Guest guest]

hi, i haven't posted in awhile but i read the messages here everyday. this is a

particularly bad patch for me, in just the last couple of days. in the midst of

a flare that has lasted almost two weeks i had to have a root canal yesterday.

so in addition to the degenerative arthritis pain and the fibro flare i feel as

though my face has been run over by a truck.

also, yesterday, my husband was fired from his job for missing too much work. a

while back he began having symptoms of pain and numbness and an MRI shows

" spots " on his frontal lobe. he is at a neurologist appointment as i type this.

I'm terrified at what this might be. he has always been my rock, the one who

sees humor in everything. now he is in terrible pain constantly and so

depressed and frightened. also, now we must try to figure out how to survive on

my disability alone. it does not even cover the rent.

i am paralyzed with despair. my 88 year old father becomes more vague and frail

and confused with each day. it's like watching him revert to childhood.

i am almost no help to my 81 year old mother but i am trying. i am trying to

hold it together for everyone and i am out of coping mechanisms.

there is no hope. everything is spiraling downward faster and faster. i had

the good sense to have my husband hide my gun from me a few days ago, but

honestly, i don't have the strength in my hands to pull the trigger anyway.

my doctors have nothing more to offer me than switching me from extended release

Oxycontin to extended release morphine (this is supposed to happen within the

next few days).

i am terrified and so low i can't see anyway up. there is nothing but the pain.

and everyone elses pain, both physical and emotional. and i have nothing to

offer, no reserves of strength left to call on.

i know that in many respects i am lucky and that there are tons of people here

that are in far worse situations than i am. a part of my brain is telling me

that i am fortunate and should be thankful for what i have. the other part of me

sees nothing but a black hole of terror and pain and hopelessness.

i am thankful for this list and for the opportunity to vent. i have no one to

talk to about any of this so it is good, at least, to write this out in some

perverse way. i am also ashamed of myself for feeling sorry for myself. how

childish of me. i am sorry. for everything.

thank you for listening. i wish you all the least pain possible. i hope the

best for you all.

chelsea