Re: Chronic pain and Relationships

[Guest guest]

Theresa,

You sound a lot like me. I, too, have a perfectly healthy boyfriend. Well, he

does have minor aches and pains which when I complain about my issues he always

brings his up. I feel maybe he's just trying to relate his pain to mine.

It's just hard to explain chronic pain to someone who has never felt it and it's

toil day in and day out. I have had to take it slow with him and even now I'm

not sure that I can stay with him " forever " due to my health problems. I'm not

sure it would be fair to either of us.

My advice would be to be as honest as you can with him and as you trust him,

include him in your doctor visits so he can learn about what he's facing as your

partner. If he truly cares about you, he will stick with you. But he needs to

know that this is something that won't just magically disappear and you will

need his help.

Becky in Illinois

[Guest guest]

----- Original Message ----

> From: teresathegreat1 teresathegreat1@...

> > How does your chronic pain affect your romantic relationships?  Has your

> significant other stayed by you?  Do they support you, or does it drive you

> apart?  How did you get them to understand what you were feeling and get

> them to help you?

,

I don't think anyone can really understand chronic pain unless they have been

there themselves. I had been married for 24 years when the MS monster struck me

down. It caused a lot of tension between my husband and myself because he didn't

have a clue what I was going on. I think the worst part for him was that he

couldn't fix me.

Two years ago my husband was struck with a mystery illness which has recently

been diagnosed as Fibromyalgia, RA, Gout, and a few other things that cause him

chronic pain as well. Like a light bulb he instantly knew what I had been going

through. Now we go through this together and our relationship is the best it's

ever been. I know, it's sad that it took something like this to be able to

understand each other and I would have never wished this upon him in a million

years, but it did bring understanding.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that unless someone has chronic pain they

never really understand. In know way would we have ever parted because of this

because bless his heart he did try but there was a definite strain there.

Try to understand that he wants to fix you and can't. But remember that some

people will never understand what we go through and those are the ones that we

eventually have to remove from our lives. As hard as that may seem I have found

it to be for the best in my situation. I have lost a few friends and family

because they act like they are afraid to be around me, like I'm contagious or

something. That's okay though because I still have plenty of loved ones that do

understand or at least try to.

My thoughts are with you,

Carol (OK)

[Guest guest]

My chronic pain spelled the end of my marriage as my husband was too selfish and

self involved to bother with me. Our marriage was in trouble well before the

pain, but that did it in more quickly than otherwise. That in itself wasn't so

bad as I stayed with the abusive husband far too long. Because he wasn't really

physically abusive, I kept telling myself it wasn't as bad as I thought. It was

a million times worse than I thought and the immoral and abusive reactions he

had to my pain were what made me wake up and see him for the sociopath he

was/is.

I don't know how to make it any better when it comes to significant others and

their reations. If they truly love and respect you, I believe they will take on

your pain as if it is theirs and try to find a solution to what is a jointlly

experienced event, not just something you are struggling with alone. That is

what I think is the litmus test; are you facing the pain alone?

That is one thing I learned about becasue of my pain. I learned how even my

children were so unduly influenced by the awful things their father said about

me and my pain that they refused to believe anything I said about it and to

become incensed if I would even mention it. My daughter became irrational about

the issue of my pain and even refused to believe I had a broken arm last year

despite the letter from the orthopedist explaining what part of my arm was

broken. My son has gone back and forth with it and alternated between

understanding and cruel rejection of me. He is 23 years old and an adult, but

the distorted ways of his father finally seem to have won him over. Last we

spoke he was yelling at me because I asked for his help lifting and carrying

things I couldn't because of the pain. He accused me of deliberately making him

feel depressed by complaining of the pain and asking his help. Then he said

that I treated him like a slave when he helped me.

A month earlier he had apologized and wanted to help me out however he could. I

said there were always things I needed some help with lifting and moving around.

The last time he came over to help, I could see him changing before my eyes as

he was hotile and angry towards me. He was accusatory regarding the divorce his

father and I have been engaged in for the last 6 years, blaming me for

everything. He started in with me again and like his sister began berating me

saying that after 37 years of marriage I wasnt deserving of even a penny from

their father. Little does he recognize how much his father is a pathological

liar and isjust using him and his sister, so he can hurt me through them. 

a

[Guest guest]

Your " mate " should be your best friend, if that person isn't able to fill those

shoes, then I'd say you aren't in the best relationship. relationship that lasts

is able to withstand the good and bad times. It's one that is based upon trust

and understanding and unconditional love.

Jennette

> wrote:

>How does your chronic pain affect your romantic relationships? Has your

significant other stayed by you? Do they support you, or does it drive you

apart? How did you get them to understand what you were feeling and get them to

help you?

[Guest guest]

,

Sickness is the greatest test of a relationship and of the ties that two people

have. If the person does not treat you right and gets annoyed because you are in

pain all of the time and because of your condition, then it is time to wave

goodbye to them.

Through other support groups I've heard of all of these girls and guys that were

left by their significant others when the one person got sick or disabled.

I don't have that issue since I live alone, but I am a widow, a young one at

that! When my husband got sick I was 31, and he died when I was 33, and I stood

by him until the very end. Wiped his butt, fed him, did everything for him, why?

Because I loved him soooo much, and also because he would have done the same

thing for me if it was the other way around.

So ask yourself, would you leave him or get annoyed if he was the one in pain?

If the answer is NO, then the feeling is not mutual and is time for you to let

him go and find yourself a person that will love you no matter how broken you

are.

Those are my words of wisdom.

Take care,

Millie

> wrote:

> How does your chronic pain affect your romantic relationships? Has your

significant other stayed by you? Do they support you, or does it drive you

apart? How did you get them to understand what you were feeling and get them to

help you?

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your perspective, everyone. A week after my post, I broke up with

him. He had spent months complaining about the problems in our relationship

(most of which stemmed from how my pain affected our activity level both in and

out of the bedroom). I worked my butt off trying every solution I could think

of, and trying to keep him happy, even when it meant putting my own needs on

hold. Not only did he refuse to participate in any of these solutions, he

continued to withdraw. So I was not only crawling up the mountain with my own

budren, I was carrying him too.

What bugs me is not that he was too weak to deal with the challenge - fine, I

understand, not everyone is - but that he didn't even TRY, and he let me do all

the work even when he KNEW he wasn't willing to try to save the relationship.

Losing love is hard enough, but now I've lost respect for him, too.

Now it's just me and the pain.

--- " teresathegreat1 " wrote:

>

>> I'd like to hear any advice you may have. I love my boyfriend dearly, but

he's one of those annoyingly healthy types who never gets sick and never hurts.

He's never had to develop the patience to deal with a chronic condition. After

about a year and a half he started getting deeply frustrated, which I can

understand. He's scared that this will go on indefinitely, and he doesn't know

if he can cope with that. I don't know if I can stay with someone who can't

stand by me when I need him most. I don't want to lose the best relationship

I've ever had, but I don't know how to fix things.

>

[Guest guest]

, you are better off without him since he wasn't helping the situation for

you at all. I know the burdens that significant others may have and some are

going to take it on themselves and be there for you and some won't.

In my case unfortunately I have been married to someone for over 35 years who is

a pathological narcissist who even denies I have any real pain. He has blamed me

whenever I couldn't do what he wanted and needed and was never there for me at

all when it came to sharing the pain as a problem for the two of us.

When those things happen I think it takes more than anyone should have to give

to maintain the relationship and sooner or later it will just disintegrate. I

wish I had left him long ago before the pain weakened me and made me a victim of

his disregard and lack of caring.

a

>teresathegreat1

>Thanks for your perspective, everyone. A week after my post, I broke up with

him.