Re: Friends or Lack Thereof - Need Advice/ or Feedback

[Guest guest]

Cathie wrote:

I can relate to everything you said but most about not knowing if i can do

something till about an hour before.My family is in 3 different States and

we are close but not physically. I am trying just to clean and its a bad

pain day for me. I am glad to see I am not the only one though I feel sorry

for you being in the same boat. Happy Labor day-you are not alone, Cathie

[Guest guest]

Hi Jade

I understand. Not that I used to be terribly social but I had friends that

were. I was into horses, then children and being a parent, always had dogs,

like to train etc. Mostly my friends liked to ride sometimes, so I was ok to

hang out with. I did some partying, but I quit that long before my buddies

did. One got religion. It took up all her spare time. Maybe I was the evil

person she was told to stay away from.

Mostly I like to chill out in nature. Hike on easy short trails and look at the

wildlife. I like birdwatching and people watching. Trust me, it's a good

hobby. I used to have a rock collection and I'd like to start another. Maybe

you would like some of that stuff. I supposed you might say the " nerds " do all

the sedentary stuff. Maybe you could join a book club or get involved in

collecting something. Plants, leaves, wildflowers or rocks LOL. All that can

be done at your own pace, in your own time or with friends. I love identifying

bugs, butterflies and birds. If you have a yard you could get into making it a

place for birds and insects that are pretty to live in.

Reminds me of my current learning experience. Tree frogs, the green tree frog.

Why? Well, they've decided to make the inside of my home their home. We are

finding them everywhere. I picked one up the other day, thought it was a piece

of chewed up paper by the dog's water dish. Well guess what, it was alive!

What a way to start the day.

I'm just not a people person, so stuff I do generally I do alone or with my dog

or animals. But I'm sure that loads of things I do alone are things people

gather to do just to socialize.

Jennette

[Guest guest]

Jade,

Finding places to make friends is a frustrating issue when you cannot

control your own schedule. I have not found a way to make in-person

friends, yet. But I will some day!

So far I only have virtual friends or in-person friends belonging to one

activity.

For example, I volunteer and am beginning to think of some of the people who

also volunteer for this same agency as friends. I go to a water stretching

program and am getting close to some of them, but again it is restricted to

the water stretching program.

I've been signed into Meet-Up.com and they have lists of things in my area

to choose from. For example, there is a scrapbook group that meets twice a

month. No reservations required. Just show up at the meeting place and

have fun. You get both virtual friends who will also be in-person friends.

I am sure there must be other sites like Meet-Up, but since I have not been

able to participate in real life I haven't had the need to find other

sites.

Public libraries and book stores usually have reading groups or author

talks. Many of the same faces show up multiple times. Might be a good

place to meet other readers.

I intend to just keep meeting people at one activity and get to know them

better. The activity is set, so I can show up or not without letting the

other people down. I hope the in-person friendships will grow out of that.

Wish California was closer to Indiana. I'd watch a movie with you anytime!

[Guest guest]

> Jade wrote:

> So, where to find friends? Friends who are well-rounded? Who understand

pain, and that I will do all I can to go out and keep every engagement and plan,

but who can forgive the times I cannot. Who are these people? Where are they?

Aloha Jade!

Boy! Where to start? This may be the biggest " surprise " that I got being cast

unwillingly into a so-called " new life " of a chronic painer.

It isn't a pleasant one in any way and it did add to my depression which is

something that most chronic painers experience though, so if and/or you have or

are going through this, it's perfectly normal. If you find yourself in that way

or headed there, my advice is to seek a psychiatrist, not a psychologist only

because if your pain is due to anything neurological, psychiatrists are required

to take some of the same medical courses as neurologists and also are educated

a bit more in medicines and, of course, psychology. With that said.

Surprisingly, I found myself in a similar situation as yours (although you don't

state where you moved from before California). I lived in Minnesota for 25 years

and then moved to Hawaii!

Also along those lines, I was sort of surprised to learn that Hawaii has been

influenced by California (and Californians!) more than I would have thought or

wanted.

However, I still believe that even without California's 'influence', Hawaiian

people (the citizens of Hawaii, NEVER to be confused with the NATIVE Hawaiians!

Heavens no!) would still be the " outdoorsy " type since, as you can imagine if

you haven't been here, the beaches and outdoors seem to call for you to " come

out and visit/play with us! " . Heh-heh...

Like you, I have always been a person who made friends easy. So much so that my

Mother once said to me when I was about 10 that she was pleasantly surprised

(and probably relieved) at how quickly and easily I seemed to make friends with

good people. Since I grew up having 5 step-fathers, you can imagine that we

moved around a lot.

I was born in Ohio, lived there for 4+ years, moved to Florida (where I really

believe is where I got my love of the ocean, beaches, palm trees and relaxed

atmosphere overall from) for about 5 years, then to Minnesota very briefly

before moving to Wisconsin for only a year, then Iowa for less than that, then

northern Minnesota for another year, then down to Minneapolis where we kept

moving all over the so-called " Twin City " area (South Minneapolis briefly, North

Minneapolis, some northern suburbs, back to North Minneapolis and even moved

around to various houses in the North Minneapolis neighborhood!

So moving about is an easy thing for me although when I moved here to Hawaii, I

sort of had it in my mind that this was going to be the place where I would grow

old and die. Now, of course, having been married to a wonderful woman who gave

me two great children for over 31 years but stricken down and forced into a kind

of " early retirement " due to 3 failed spine surgeries and some other medical

stuff, we just may end up moving somewhere back to the " mainland " (continental

United States) after my wife retires from the great career job she has been with

for over 15 years.

Like you, I had friends I'd go to the beach and bogey board/surf with and hang

out with either there or at parties for different occasions. Since I was also a

career Accountant (like my wife)for almost 30 years before my disability, I too

would work the daily grind.

However, living here, when I wasn't working and even if I was mowing my lawn I'd

almost feel like (or literally considered) that I was on vacation! There is

something to living on one of the more rural islands in Hawaii (I don't live on

Oahu but did have to FLY there for all 3 surgeries and every MRI and test

needed. THAT is something I'd only wish on my very worst enemy.

In fact, due to all the car traveling and flying to and from Oahu before, after

and in between surgeries is part of, if not THE reason that the surgeries didn't

really " take " , so to speak). The air smells so clean and fresh and the ocean is

so warm and there are so many beautiful areas not only at the touristy spots,

but you learn of them right in your own neighborhood after a while.

Unfortunately, for some of the reasons mentioned in the above paragraph, this

isn't the state you want to live in when you need serious medical help. Nor is

it great when you are partially or totally disabled. Lastly, I should mention

that I have currently been declared totally disabled by Social Security since

being examined by their doctors and by several of my own doctors and surgeons.

Officially since 2005. It hasn't been a real good time nor anything that I would

have thought would happen in my life, EVER. I really only got to enjoy the first

8 years of living here before all the craziness happened with dealing with my

spine problems and even during all that I had some other medical things happen

that needed urgent attention too.

Had someone been able to tell this was going to happen, I firmly believe that I

would NOT have moved myself, my wife and our 3 children here to Hawaii (I had a

step-son as she had him from her first marriage. He was only 3 years old when we

got married). We got married here in Hawaii also and said we'd come back on our

10th anniversary which we did but with our 3 children. Glad we did, they loved

it and it also gave me a " feel " for how they'd react to moving here. Anyway...

You're probably wondering when I'm going to address your question(s), eh? I

don't blame you but I felt I should give you some of my history first so you

could feel I knew a little about what I was talking about. OK? OK!

Now, unlike you (at least it 'sounds' like this), you are not married with

children. That made a huge difference since children alone keep a person very

busy if you want to raise them where they play baseball, basketball or do any

type of extracurricular activities. For the almost 8 years that I was in and out

of hospitals or having surgeries (over on Oahu, remember), that time is kind of

complete blur. I barely remember going to my daughters high school graduation in

1998 and her party that we had for her due to the pain, different kinds of

medications and trying to hold down my job at the same time.

Kind of the same thing with our youngest since my son graduated a year later in

1999. So things that you are dealing with now didn't really smack me between the

eyes until 2005, when it became obvious that I could no longer work at a career

that I had worked so hard at and had gotten probably higher on that infamous

" corporate ladder " than I ever thought I'd get. Of course, that is also when the

depression really kicked in. It actually started in 2003 when it became obvious

that my 3rd (and last, probably) spine surgery failed.

I remember becoming very lonely. My step-son and daughter had either moved off

island to the mainland (step-son) or to the Big Island of Hawaii for college (my

daughter). When my wife went to work and our youngest son would go out for the

day (he sure didn't want to hang with his " old man " , especially since I was

either in pain or couldn't do anything with him anyway), it got real quiet. Of

course there was lots of noise outside since someone had purchased the empty lot

next door and was building a two story house BY HIMSELF and only worked on it

when he had the time or whenever...it was more a hobby thing is what he kind of

said to me once. You can bet the surrounding neighbors just love this...they

STILL aren't done with it and since they are only 20 feet, at most, away from

our house...we are having some " issues " with them also. That's for another post

at a much later time.

I would say that I had at least 10-15 different people I considered as being

good enough friends to go out and DO stuff with. Of course, living on a rural

island, and being in the " business " I was in, I got to know a lot of people that

way, so even going grocery shopping, I'd see someone I at least knew. But not

enough to be called real friends.

I also had 2 new BEST friends.

Unfortunately, one of them died of breast cancer about 4 years ago and the other

got married and has had a couple of children and is a happy camper, but at lease

he CALLS from time to time and stops by to see me. But all the rest kind of

slowly stopped stopping by or calling because I couldn't do anything with them

and they sure didn't want to stop by anymore because when they'd ask the

courteous question of, " How are you doing? " , they would end up sitting and

listening to me complain about pain or how this doctor or nurse or test or

surgery didn't work out or was an awful experience. Of course then, on tip of

that, I'd start in and complain about how I was feeling and how I thought life

had dealt me a bad hand/raw deal (which it had).

I know that I soon realized what I was doing and really tried not to complain

about myself and talk about nothing but medical stuff and aches and pains. But

you know what? Don't you find it hard to think about just about anything else

when all you really do is hurt like you've never hurt before?

If you were or are anything like me, at anywhere but where I am now in my pain

management and level, all I can do is try and think of a way to lower the level

of my pain. It becomes the ONLY thing on ones mind. Nobody wants to hear that

from a friend all the time. Sure, they all had their ideas of what would help

and I would take them all and even try most of them. But nothing they suggested

worked and at this point in my life, I've literally tried EVERYTHING suggested

to me. Oh, except for one thing.

I couldn't believe the person would even suggest something like it; according to

this one " wife of one of my last employers " , she heard of a person who lived on

the West side of the island (I live on the North and since the highway doesn't

go through the northwest side of this island, I'd have to drive down the east,

south side to even GET to the West side) who not only was able to heal some

folks with mystical ways, but...and get this...RAISE THE DEAD!

At first I thought she was kidding me. Wouldn't anyone? But when she didn't

change her expression, except maybe make it a bit more serious and stern, I

didn't know what to think. I knew ONE THING for sure; I wasn't going anywhere

near that person or place! Could you imagine what that must entail? (Perhaps

having to lie down on a stone slab in the dark with only candles for light and

surrounded by cloaked figures chanting some strange chant in some odd

language...no thanks!)

Being married is probably the one thing that has saved my sanity. Plus our

youngest son (he's 29 all ready! Sheesh!) still lives at home and actually said

he'd like to buy this house from us when we are ready to sell. He knows that

won't be for at least 8 to 10 or so years, but he loves it here on THIS island

and refuses to go anywhere else if he doesn't have to. I'm OK with that. Why

not? My wife has a different way of thinking but has learned to accept his

decision. Children, what can you do after they turn into adults except hand out

sage advice when they ask for it (preferably, according to them, LOL!).

The biggest help for support that I've gotten is right here ONLINE. There are a

number of chronic pain support groups on Yahoo, Google and perhaps MSN. MSN kind

of cut back on their groups for some reason many years ago. You may go through

several support groups before you find one or two (as in my case) that seem to

" fit " you and your needs. Honestly, the ONLY ones who can completely understand

what you have and ARE going through are those that have walked in your very same

shoes. I can't tell you how exhausted I've gotten trying to get others in my

family and my " friends " to try and understand...but no. It is a waste of time

and precious energy. I've found my energy and help I need are best spent and

gotten here and in one other group for chronic pain on Google. I know it defies

logic and everything that we are told or taught, but that's the truth. People

are constantly amazed at how a bunch of (literally)STRANGERS can understand and

comprehend AND most importantly HELP others in need of support and advice with

their chronic pain situations that we run into in this new kind of " life " .

I am so sorry that this is long. However, in my case, there aren't many posts

recently on here (I only seem to post when I really, really feel I can be of

some real help), but there are quite a few as I've been a member for a long

time. I'm glad you found us here. I know there will be others or already are

others (since this took me so long to type (smile)) that will come along and

give you other good advice. The best stuff comes from these support groups that

have others that really have " walked in your shoes " . I welcome you to this group

Jade and wish you many good days ahead.

Stay as pain free as you possibly can!

Aloha Just For Now,

Wayne in Hawaii

[Guest guest]

jade tadaima wrote:

> I used to be an outgoing, social, haha likable person. Then the pain came.

Jade,

Some towns have Senior Citizen Centers whom like the same things we do.

They also take short trips and accommodate for situations we experience.

I don't mind being around people older that myself and the one we have,

play board games, card games etc. I would check into that.

bennie

[Guest guest]

Jade:

What would we do without pets? I have many of the same issues you do and

have been labeled " anti-social " " stuck up " " introverted " you name it. Pain

and depression and fibromyalgia really make it hard to have a " life " -if

being " social " =having a " life " . So I continue to do my quiet things, and

to heck with those who don't-or won't-understand

Pam

jade tadaima wrote:

> I have my doggies, and they love me. They take turns sleeping at my feet.

> I've been watching movies all day.

> But, I would like to go out and make some new friends.

>

> How to do that? Any suggestions? I tried some of the groups, but I can't

keep up with them, and so I don't fit in so well.

[Guest guest]

well we can have friends who understand on here. This past weekend killed me,

so if you ever need someone to talk to, give a shout.

i have all distance,

cathie in Ct

>a wrote:

>I find I can go out and do things with friends but then suffer for it for

days and sometimes weeks afterward. I have to pick and choose what to do

carefully readjusting priorities and planning consequences. If I do socialize

I pay dearly. Its a choice oftentimes between cleaning my place as was the

case this weekend, and letting the dishes and wash go for a 4th week and

well cleaning and wash won out.

[Guest guest]

Keeping up is the issue when it comes to friends especially new ones. When the

pain cuts me down as it often does I don't make it out of bed and can't talk on

the phone.

It has just proven to be too enervating and draining to be consistent enough

with people to maintain friends. My pain level fluctuates too much to make many

plans.

I find I can go out and do things with friends but then suffer for it for days

and sometimes weeks afterward. I have to pick and choose what to do carefully

readjusting priorities and planning consequences. If I do socialize I pay

dearly. Its a choice oftentimes between cleaning my place as was the case this

weekend, and letting the dishes and wash go for a 4th week and well cleaning and

wash won out.

Now I am paying for doing so much of that too. The pain in my legs is really bad

and I don't know how I will see my attorney for the appointment today.

I probably should have not done any of the ironing. I did since that entails

standing more than other things. I do have something to show for my efforts

though, clean clothes and clean dishes.

a

[Guest guest]

a and all: I totally understand when you say you can do stuff but you pay

for it. My biggest outings are out to do laundry or grocery shop. So exciting.

I have to use my scooter or the store scooter as well. If I have to actually

walk a store then I am in big trouble.

My son and his wife have 5 soon to be 6 children, ages 8,7,5,4,1 and soon

newborn(Dec). We live near them 6 months out of the year. They bring such joy to

my life. But I have to limit my visits and time that I spend with them.

One of the tips I have learned is to break home chores up in to smaller pieces.

We used to let our laundry get real stacked up. Now I do it once a week, if I

can. I find that I don't get so tired and lose 2 or 3 days after.

I too miss having friends. I was always pretty social.

I appreciate having this group as well

Candy Cares

> well we can have friends who understand on here. This past weekend killed

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can so relate to you on this. I used to go and do everyday. Now I am lucky to

want to get on my computer. it's like i am a prisoner of my own body.and no one

wants to understand the pain of just living with chronic pain.

So I enjoy

meeting ppl online who are dealing with chronic pain. Ya'll understand pain

Candy wrote:

a and all: I totally understand when you say you can do stuff but you pay

for it. My biggest outings are out to do laundry or grocery shop. So exciting.

[Guest guest]

Candy wrote:

> One of the tips I have learned is to break home chores up in to smaller

pieces. We used to let our laundry get real stacked up. Now I do it once a week,

if I can. I find that I don't get so tired and lose 2 or 3 days after.

I break it even smaller than that. I do a load each day. (or none, if

there's none left to do :-). One load never hurts me. Several loads,

plus a bit of ironing, and I'm done for.

Lyndi

[Guest guest]

I wish I could do a load a day. I guess I could but we have to go to a laundry

mat to do it. So going every day would be tuff. We live in an RV.

Ironing?? If it needs ironing it doesn't come to my house!

Hugs

CandyCares

[Guest guest]

Candy wrote:

> I wish I could do a load a day. I guess I could but we have to go to a laundry

mat to do it. So going every day would be tuff. We live in an RV.

>

> Ironing?? If it needs ironing it doesn't come to my house!

I actually like ironing. There's something about a crisp suit and

blouse that makes me feel good on a work day. 'Course, I'm very good at

ironing. When I went back to university when my kids were teenagers, I

worked for a dry-cleaner part time. I got very good and quick at

turning out well pressed clothes. These days it hurts to do iron, but

since I like the end result, I do it anyway.

Once a week to a laundromat would work for me. I'd fill up all the

machines and read a book!

Oh yeah - I'd take my cushion along to sit on too. :-)

Lyndi

[Guest guest]

> Lyndi wrote:

> Once a week to a laundromat would work for me. I'd fill up all the

> machines and read a book!

> Oh yeah - I'd take my cushion along to sit on too. :-)

> I take my scooter to the laundrymat. I can't stand for more than a few minutes

and if I move around for more than 5 minutes I sweat buckets. So I do most stuff

sitting.

I too worked at a laundry/dry cleaner. I can fold sheets and towels with

precision. I was the all around girl so I learned to do all the stations. The

shirt machine was my least favorite.

Since I am totally disabled I no longer have to think about work clothes.

Nightgowns are what I wear the most. No ironing needed.

Hugs

CandyCares

[Guest guest]

Candy wrote:

> Since I am totally disabled I no longer have to think about work clothes.

You aren't totally disabled Candy. You're still getting around on your

scooter and doing things.

Totally disabled would have you with 24 hour care, because you were

incapable of doing anything yourself. My mother was totally disabled.

The only things she could do were blink her eyes and speak in a whisper.

She couldn't move any other parts of her body - could not even

convince a finger or toe to wiggle.

Please don't ever think of yourself as totally disabled, unless you

actually get like my Mum was. What we think or say about ourselves can

be self fulfilling. I wouldn't ever want you to become " totally

disabled. " It's not a good place to be.

Here's to scooters and the freedom them give!!!!

Lyndi

[Guest guest]

Ok Lyndi. You are so right. I really just meant unable to work when I said

totally disabled. But I am with you about self fulfilling statements.

My hubby and I have been watching the " House " series. I know it's just a tv show

but I have to believe when art is imitating life, some of life has to sneak in !

Did your mom have locked in syndrome? I am so sorry, that must have been hard

on everyone.

I returned to the swimming pool today ! I had started going daily a few weeks

ago. But I got a horrible scrape down my left leg at a public restroom and had

to stay out of the pool until it healed. Hubby gave me the green light to go

back last night so I was there this morning.

Again, thanks Lyndi. I really appreciate your comments and concerns.

CandyCares

Lyndi wrote:

> You aren't totally disabled Candy. You're still getting around on your scooter

and doing things.

>

> Totally disabled would have you with 24 hour care, because you were

> incapable of doing anything yourself.

[Guest guest]

Candy,

I just wanted to say that I had worked for over 30 years before I had to go on

disability.

Since then I have cleaned out some of my clothes that are no longer practical.

However everyday I get up shower, put on makeup and jewelry. Even if I am

wearing casual clothes like jeans, I try and look decent.

It takes me twice as long to get dressed as it used to. but it is worth the

effort for my mental health to get " dressed up " each day.

Doing something for yourself helps self esteem. Hope this suggestion helps.

Wishing you less pain, Tami

> Candy wrote:

> > Since I am totally disabled I no longer have to think about work clothes.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Tami. Thanks so much for sharing your tip. I have to admit there are many

days I don't get dressed at all. One of my diseases (I have a collection)

requires me to wear compression garments. From toe to upper waist and both arms.

It takes a lot of time to put these on. Then there is the added dilemma of going

into the pool. It's almost impossible to get these garments on if I am even

slightly damp.

Just the thought of getting dressed wears me out. But I think you are right. I

am making an effort now to go to the pool every day. I am 1 day in a row ha ha.

It's good to share ideas. Thanks again

Candy Cares

> Candy,

>

> I just wanted to say that I had worked for over 30 years before I had to go on

disability.

>

> Since then I have cleaned out some of my clothes that are no longer practical.

However everyday I get up shower, put on makeup and jewelry. Even if I am

wearing casual clothes like jeans, I try and look decent.

>

[Guest guest]

Mayo Pain Rehabilitation Center has a saying: " Are you up, dressed and

looking your best? "

Up means out of bed and off the sofa

Dressed means not in pajamas, lounge wear, or yesterday's clothing, and

Looking Your Best means have you showered, combed hair, put on make up or

jewelery. They do not mean are you dressed to go to a black tie formal or

even to a job interview. Whatever is appropriate to your day. Sometimes I

call this Looking Okay for the Day.

For example, I live on a farm. I am on disability and do not go to my old

office for work. Most days I wear jeans and a nice t-shirt or Hawaiian

print shirt, I fix my hair, put on make up and sometimes even put in

earrings. This lets me go out to the garden and pick peppers, and still

look okay. If I know I am going to do something really grungy, like bath

the dog or mulch the garden, then I wear old tattered jeans and a grungy

t-shirt.

When you are in bed all day in your pajamas and you've not brushed your

hair, family members may assume that you are having a really bad day even

when you are not.. Being up, dressed and looking your best provides a

signal to family member that you are doing okay today. Or at least you are

trying. It may take me all morning to get to looking half-way decent. Some

days I am so foggy, I need reminders. But even then, family members respond

differently. I get extra help when I am having a challenging day, but they

aren't worried.

Also, like Tami, I have found this to be extremely helpful for my mental

health.

[Guest guest]

I have a few pieces of clothing that help put together alook that doesn't take

any time or effort to put on. One is a jeans dress, the others are dresses that

that have no seleeves so that I can put a sweater under them. I quit wearing

pants a long time ago. Dresses are much easier to throw on, lie down in for

awhile, if I need to, and still look presentable.

It's no harder to put on a dres with buttons down the front or a zipper, than it

is to put on a bathrobe. But it does a lot for my feeling good about how I look.

Carolyn Eddy

" Sweet Goat Mama "