Depressed, overwhelmed and using pain meds

[Guest guest]

After fighting chronic pain for 18 years now (post-jaw surgery), I finally

applied for disability retirement. OPM approved my request a few weeks ago and

then, wham, within 10 days I was officially " retired. "

My husband is relieved because it helps with money concerns. Everyone else is

also thrilled. I'm happy because the alternative would have been much worse --

having to appeal the decision -- and because it validates what I've been dealing

with all these years. I have a disability that affects my ability to work.

On the other hand, I'm completed depressed and overwhelmed. I'm 48 and

" retired. " My self-worth has taken a huge hit. People joke, " hey, must be nice

to be able to be able to retire - what are you going to do with your day! "

My pain " team " reminds me that my job now is to take care of myself. I've been

able to pursue some of the treatments I've wanted to do in the past but never

had time, including resting during the day! But I've been off work for 6 months

and still in excruciating pain. Luckily, my pain specialist is amazing. He's

helping me directly face the feelings of grief, loss, and anger. AND, he's been

supportive when I've needs pain meds.

After I went to a pain clinic in Michigan for 3 weeks, I came home completely

off narcotics. First time in 8 years. Everyone cheered, thought it was great,

like I had finally " sobered up. " When the pain got worse and I went back to

taking them, I felt like I had to keep it a secret.

People who do not live with pain every day do not understand why, for some

people some times, pain meds are the ONLY thing that make it possible to keep

going. I've had friends go through periods of pain - back, neck, whatever, and

they come to me saying, " Oh, I completely understand what you've been dealing

with all these years! " Sometimes I've felt like saying, " you should not get pain

meds - you're not really in pain - just tough it out. "

Some of these people have a better understanding of what I deal with every day

and it does help. Others move on and are surprised when they find out a year

later that I'm still in pain. I've had people tell me: " Oh, well, if you tried

this type of treatment, you'd be better by now. " They insinuate that if I wanted

to get well, then I would.

I am blessed with a wonderful pain specialist. He goes with the " toolbox "

approach, meds are part of it. He also gives me perspective when I get down on

myself, reminds me that others do NOT walk around with the type of pain we do.

AND he does everything he can to keep me from getting too overwhelmed.

Sorry for the somewhat incoherent train of thought. I read these emails every

day and feel so lucky to have found a supportive group.

wrote:

> Let us know how the pain meds work. I hear ya about being in pain! You feel

like a junky asking for the meds you need. It takes so many of us YEARS in pain

that could have been controlled..