OT?- Dealing with QoL issues

[Guest guest]

Sorry if this sounds like a " whine session " , it is not intended to.

In 2005 (9th grade), I started experiencing HAs (headaches). Prior to these, I

was an honor role or distinguished honor role student every marking period. I

had always had some interest in medicine, but was never sure it was for me.

I considered becoming a Psychologist, as the human mind has always interested

me. Once the HAs started, my grades dropped to high Cs and a couple of Bs. In

11th grade I made a decision, I wanted to go to Med School and be a doctor. Over

the years, the specialty I wanted changed (Psychiatry, PCP, pain management,

etc), but I always wanted to be one of the few doctors that really helps their

patients.

In 2006, I found out that my headaches are caused by an inoperable brain tumor

in my brain stem (pontine glioma). In 2009, I saw a Neurosurgeon It has a

diffuse outline, so (along with other reasons) my Radiation Oncologist said

radiation is out of the question.

Chemo is useless for this kind of tumor. The tumor could kill me in 6 months,

it could kill me in 40 or 50 years. My doctors had been watching it every 6

months.

About a week ago, I found out that there is a new lesion according to my newest

MRIs. It exhibits no mass-effect (not a tumor, like the glioma). I most likely

have some form of demyelination. The majority of my doctors are thinking MS

(multiple sclerosis).

So, even if my chronic pain and fatigue could be resolved, I would have a

drastically shortening life span. I probably wouldn't be able to practice long

enough to even pay off my student loans before I died.

Most of my friends are entering their junior year of college. Realizing this has

made me really depressed.

I turn 21 in just over 1 month and I am on disability only, which is more

depressing that I can put into words. I miss working so bad. I hate that I can't

contribute to the world. The stigma of people on disability doesn't help me to

deal with everything either.

Part of me knows that my dreams are not going to come true, but part of me just

refuses to let go and move on.

Does anyone have any advise on how to deal with this?

I mainly need the know how to let go of the dreams that will never happen and

how to deal with the sadness of finally letting go.

Please feel free to include as much detail as you are comfortable and/or ask

questions. In my opinion, the more verbose the message, the more helpful it can

be.

To keep the messages from getting out of control, please do not include my email

in your reply. I get the messages as a daily digest and it everyone writes a

long reply and includes the originally message(s), my email program can't handle

them due to length. I can still access them, it is just a lot harder.

Thanks for your help and support. Hope everyone is [relatively] pain free.

-Steve M in PA