Fun on a Friday Night

[Guest guest]

Ow. I am hurting. This week was one of unmanagable pain as I was called on to do

more that merely exist. Yesterday morning the pain was so great I cancelled my

one appointment and I slept on and off (moaning)until mid-afternoon and slept

all last night without waking up (yea!). This morning I woke with very little

pain! I only took one morphine. I was still tired, but relaxed tired, not

fighting exhausted. I rested with my animals, the sun coming in the windows. I

read the 'Funny Times,' my sister bought me a subscription for my birthday. I

just enjoyed being in my body. Then, this afternoon I talked on the phone for a

while and now my pain levels are ratcheting upwards so fast.

Sometimes when I have a better day I feel panicked and think of all the things I

need to do, things I want to do. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken the day 'off.'

The house I am in is being sold. I don't know where, when or how I am going to

move, but need to put an application in at a co-op that might take me and my

animals. My boss that was so flexible with me has moved to Canada and I have

very few hours paid a month. I need to find another part-time job when I can

barely function. I am lucky to have two applications for jobs I can do at home

and I need to fill them out. I have to make the house 'ready to show,' for

Monday,which means cleaning up. That takes so much out of me I am usually in

more pain for at least a day after.

I love to do ink and watecolor drawings. I love jigsaw puzzles. I would love to

be able to have someone over to visit. I haven't done these for so long now.

I usually do not talk about my pain to anyone anymore. At a meeting I like to go

to this week I had to keep shaking my leg sto bear the pain. I could not hold

still and I wondered if anyone noticed or was bothered and what they thought.

Later, when I did talk to a person I thought I could trust about imy pain, she

gently suggested I ask myself what I get out of my disability and pain. I think

she was suggesting that if I knew, I could give myself that and not be in pain

anymore. Wow. Have any of you had this experience? My two best friends are into

the new physics and creating your own reality. I really feel they love me and do

not judge me, but I feel sometimes like I am failing them or myself for not

creating a better reality for myself (?!). What I focus my mind on I will get

more of, etc. Yikes! I do not know how not to focus on the pain when the pain is

overwheling.

Should I have pushed myself to do more today? This is my evening to vent, I

guess. M. Peck said in a lecture that we all get to have 15 minutes of

self-pity a day. I have saved some up and am using them all tonight.

Thank you for letting me express my frustration and pain here. You are all so

dear.

J.