returning to AA

June 21, 2000

> In itself the fact that Kishline had been looking for help in AA meetings

before the accident is strange and disturbing. If she had decided that

abstinence from alcohol was an appropriate objective, there are other ways

to get there than going back to AA. For the founder of an alternative

program to go back suggests an element of compulsion, a re-eruption of the

treatment disorder.

It's disturbing to me any time I learn about someone returning to AA. While

it's certainly understandable that people would go back and forth on such a

major decision, I think it's disturbing because right now I'm so caught up

in the struggle to define what *I* believe.

I remember something Joe said about deprogramming from AA. For a time, one

is in-between the existing AA belief system and the new belief system, and

is operating under 2 conflicting belief systems. That's where I am, where

I've been for a long time. I think AA-bashing is a helpful activity in

loosening the grip of that old belief system, but I was still me when I was

in AA. So what exactly is it that I'm bashing when I bash AA?

I grew up Catholic, and decided in junior high (about 13 years old) that I

couldn't buy the concept of hell. So I became agnostic. Then, at 25, I got

into AA and had to rethink that whole mess, find some higher power. Then I

walked away from AA.

So I've gone on, I've continued to function, but inside I'm so confused. I

envy people who know what they believe; I feel adrift. Knowing that I will

not return to AA is one of the few things I feel I can trust in myself. It's

hard for me not to take it personally when someone else makes a different

decision.

In Audrey Kishline's case, I feel betrayed. She represents the alternative

to AA movement (if such a movement even exists outside my imagination), and

she should have realized the impact her behavior would have on the rest of

us. But...she's only human. She's confused inside, just like me. And now,

innocent people are dead and Kishline is in deep trouble. It sounds like she

was in trouble long before this incident.

Still, I've faced that choice many times: return to AA or continue to try

and find my own beliefs? And I continue to choose the latter option. For

better or worse.

Judith

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