My Pain Management Visit

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As you may (or may not) know, I've struggled with uncontrolled pain for quite a

while now. My PC wouldn't prescribe anything other than Percocet (or weaker) and

my Rheumy wouldn't prescribe anything other than a DMARD or Biologic. I don't

have insurance, so this has made my search even more difficult. To follow is an

account of my Thursday New Patient visit:

I had my first appointment with a new Pain Management Doctor today (PMD for

simplicity's sake). Doctor Umpierre (Oom-pee-air). I love how that name sounds!

He's from Puerto Rico even though his name sounds French. Very nice - young,

handsome, well-spoken and thorough! I probably would have switched to a new PMD

sooner, but there wasn't one in my area (that I could find) who would accept a

self-pay patient and I don't have insurance. Crazy, huh? - who doesn't accept

cash (credit)?!?!! Anyway, my orthopaedic surgeon, Doctor Lavoie (Lu-vw-ahh) -

love those French names - said I was not a candidate for surgery, recommended

epidural injections ($1500 each, 2-3 to start) and when I stated that wasn't a

financial option, they located this PMD who will take self-pay patients. Woo Hoo

- thank you!

Thanks to a cancellation, today was Day 1. He really checked me over good - and

not with those light little wimpy touches that drive me up a wall, either! He

managed to find every single spot on me that hurt and even more that I didn't

realize were painful until he pressed on it! Bend forward, backward, head up,

head down, side to side, roll to your left side, press, press, press; roll to

your right side, press, press, press; OUCH, OOO, YUP - he found them all!

Afterward, he presented me with several options. Not wanting to jump straight to

the big guns right away, we decided to go to the next step up in medication, try

some pain patches and also some prescription pain cream for spot-treating.

Because of the " all-over-the-world " drug problems (and I imagine higher

liability insurance premiums, too), in order to get the new prescription med, I

had to take a drug test. No problem. Or so I thought. Men have it so easy - aim

and pee into the little cup. Women, on the other hand, have to sit and

strategically place this little cup in order to catch this errant stream. Add to

that a handicapped toilet (higher off the ground), shorter legs (tip-toe through

the tulips), a painful shoulder (limiting range of motion), a big belly

(what-about-it) and this is never an easy thing for me to do. AND on top of all

of that, I'm hurting like heck from all the poking and prodding, I've not had

anything for pain all day and a rain storm is headed our way.

So, I'm sitting there hanging onto the sink with one hand, the cup with the

other, my legs are shaking from sitting tippy-toed, my shoulder is screaming

from being over-stretched and I try to adjust myself so I can fill this cup. All

of a sudden *CRASH!**BANG!!* - the sink popped off the wall and I almost fell

off the toilet!! I hear startled, worried voices that belong to the FRONT office

asking if I'm ok. " Yeah, I'm alright. " Now I'm totally NOT relaxed and the sink

is hanging by the drain line and the two water lines. Nothing appears to be

broken - it just popped off the bracket it was hanging on that is mounted to the

wall (I would later learn this had happened once before and they needed to put

legs under it - HELLO!!).

OK - have you ever tried to relax right after you get a shock? Its not that

easy, but I was determined! It seemed to be working, I could almost feel the

urge coming on, then *PLOP* I dropped the danged cup in the toilet! Aarrgghh!!

Now I have to pull up my pants and ask for another cup!! OK - I'm still

determined here - resume position with new cup in hand, placing my middle finger

on the bottom of the cup so it doesn't slip out of my hand again - and I'm

waiting...and waiting...and waiting. A voice on the other side of the door once

again asks me if I'm ok. " Yes, I'll be out in a little bit. "

I look over at the sink hanging in mid-air, nothing appears to be broken,

running water sometimes helps this process along, so I *very gently* turn the

water on a little bit, resume position AGAIN and hear from the other side of the

door " Don't try to wash your hands in there. " " OK " , I respond, wondering how

many more times are they going to disturb what has now become a very delicate

and hazardous undertaking!! Calm down, Doreen - they're just doing their jobs -

relax, focus, aaahhh... there you go - remove the cup - the cap had fallen on

the floor - and THE CUP IS EMPTY! Well, there was probably about a 1/4 teaspoon

in there - definitely not enough to do a drug test on. C-R-A-P (and some other

choice words)!! I give up!!

I have to walk from the back office, past the doctor and all of his staff. They

offer me water and a fresh cup - or if I want to just come back later on or

tomorrow. They wanted me to bring the leftover Rx that wasn't helping the pain

(new laws, I guess) anyway, so I told them I had a full bottle of water in the

car. I'd go home, get the Rx and come back. Then I got an idea - you know those

" hats " they use in hospitals to measure fluid output? I called my pharmacy, they

had one, I bought it, finished my bottle of water and went back to the PMD.

When I pulled into the parking lot, I saw a guy dressed in jeans, t-shirt and a

jean jacket walking in the front door with none other than legs for a sink!

(hahaha) I gave the girl at the front desk the old Rx, verified that it was ok

to use the " hat " (yes), after which I could pour it into their cup. Walked to

the back of the office, witnessed the old Rx being flushed down the toilet (I

was wondering) and then yay, yippee, woo hoo - everything worked - first try -

nothing dropped or broken!!

Thank God I have a sense of humor and could laugh at all of this!! Jeez, Louise

- I haven't had such a comedy of errors like this in a long time. And I pray its

a very long time before it happens again. I'm home now (duh). I filled the new

Rx's for pain and the pain cream. The PMD gave me samples of a couple of

different kinds of pain patches to try, too. I go back in almost 3 weeks for a

follow-up. Hopefully I won't have to do another drug test. But, if I do, I have

my trusty little hat in the back of the car (clean of course) that I'll bring in

with me.....