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.... it's what one has to take.

It's so hard to do and so hard to remember.

Like I couldn't help but thinking about how I will look when I should be

able to lose a lot of weight.

It will be ugly and disgusting with all that skin sagging and wobbling.

I hate summer. I feel sad when I see how normal looking people with

normal looking bodies are enjoying the heat while I look and feel

horrible in short clothes.

It's hard to think about this, but: I will never be pretty, let alone

beautiful. And I will never have a normal looking body without the

scalpel of a surgeon.

And the worst of this is: I've done this to myself. And I don't think

I'll be ever able to fix it.

I don't want to talk again about my ruined health. It's just to

depressing.

Yes, yes, yes... I'm a whiner lately. I can't barely stand my own

self-pity thoughts.

I can't help but feel horrible. I packed my bags a few minutes ago.

Tomorrow I'm going to drive home. I'm going to spend the afternoon at

the lake for the last time. Maybe I will even take out my bathing suit

and dive into the lake for the first time (not a big fan of lake water

here, ugh).

Regards

s.

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