Guest guest Posted June 27, 2008 Report Share Posted June 27, 2008 Thanks jb. I know she would just get more defensive but I think it kinda throws her when I don't react. Subject: re: MothersTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Received: Friday, June 27, 2008, 9:39 AM Ah mothers. The people we try hardest to please, and usually never do. My mother would do things like that too. She lived with me from the time she was diagnosed with the disease that eventually killed her (more than 10 years), and I had to work with a therapist for years and years with mother issues (and they last even since she died). One thing I learned from her (therapist, not mom) was to always let Mom know how her words affected me, but to do it using "I" statements. This is how I did it - "I feel demeaned (or angry or sad or hurt or whatever the emotion) when I hear someone call me fat" (or whatever she would have said - and never say 'when you tell me'). When I first started that, she would get all indignent and mad, tell me I couldn't take a joke. I would never respond to her remarks at that point, just turn the conversation to something else. Eventually, she got to the point that she would apologize when I'd talk about the feeling. And before she died, she had stopped sniping at me (and my brother) altogether, and during the last year of her life, we were closer than we had ever been in my life. I use the technique on other people too - the key is not to say "you make me feel" because then they feel accused. The "I" statements lay no blame. You are just stating your feelings. It wasn't easy. It worked for me, but it was probably 2 years in the making. You have to be diligent about it. And I did spend a lot of time eating over it early on. But we grow stronger with practice and we CAN make it better for ourselves. But I certainly know the pain it causes you.jb Yahoo! Canada Toolbar : Search from anywhere on the web and bookmark your favourite sites. Download it now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2008 Report Share Posted June 27, 2008 Oh! no, not me , I don't try to change others, I change me. If my mother or anyone says anything, I act and react as I wish, usually ignor it or smile back, agree, You are right wouldn't it be wonderful to eat less or lose weight...etc. I'll try harder.. etc.. Why force them to want less for their babies. They want the best for us, although they don't know how to get it. bye Subject: [intuitiveEating_ Support] re: MothersTo: IntuitiveEating_ Support@yahoogro ups.comReceived: Friday, June 27, 2008, 9:39 AM Ah mothers. The people we try hardest to please, and usually never do. My mother would do things like that too. She lived with me from the time she was diagnosed with the disease that eventually killed her (more than 10 years), and I had to work with a therapist for years and years with mother issues (and they last even since she died). One thing I learned from her (therapist, not mom) was to always let Mom know how her words affected me, but to do it using "I" statements. This is how I did it - "I feel demeaned (or angry or sad or hurt or whatever the emotion) when I hear someone call me fat" (or whatever she would have said - and never say 'when you tell me'). When I first started that, she would get all indignent and mad, tell me I couldn't take a joke. I would never respond to her remarks at that point, just turn the conversation to something else. Eventually, she got to the point that she would apologize when I'd talk about the feeling. And before she died, she had stopped sniping at me (and my brother) altogether, and during the last year of her life, we were closer than we had ever been in my life. I use the technique on other people too - the key is not to say "you make me feel" because then they feel accused. The "I" statements lay no blame. You are just stating your feelings. It wasn't easy. It worked for me, but it was probably 2 years in the making. You have to be diligent about it. And I did spend a lot of time eating over it early on. But we grow stronger with practice and we CAN make it better for ourselves. But I certainly know the pain it causes you.jb Yahoo! Canada Toolbar : Search from anywhere on the web and bookmark your favourite sites. Download it now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2008 Report Share Posted June 27, 2008 It's not a matter of changing someone, it is a matter of respect. Meg > > > Subject: [intuitiveEating_ Support] re: Mothers > To: IntuitiveEating_ Support@yahoogro ups.com > Received: Friday, June 27, 2008, 9:39 AM > > > > > Ah mothers. The people we try hardest to please, and usually never > do. My mother would do things like that too. She lived with me from > the time she was diagnosed with the disease that eventually killed > her (more than 10 years), and I had to work with a therapist for > years and years with mother issues (and they last even since she > died). One thing I learned from her (therapist, not mom) was to > always let Mom know how her words affected me, but to do it using " I " > statements. This is how I did it - " I feel demeaned (or angry or sad > or hurt or whatever the emotion) when I hear someone call me fat " (or > whatever she would have said - and never say 'when you tell me'). > When I first started that, she would get all indignent and mad, tell > me I couldn't take a joke. I would never respond to her remarks at > that point, just turn the conversation to something else. > Eventually, she got to the point that she would apologize when I'd > talk about the feeling. And before she died, she had stopped sniping > at me (and my brother) altogether, and during the last year of her > life, we were closer than we had ever been in my life. I use the > technique on other people too - the key is not to say " you make me > feel " because then they feel accused. The " I " statements lay no > blame. You are just stating your feelings. It wasn't easy. It > worked for me, but it was probably 2 years in the making. You have > to be diligent about it. And I did spend a lot of time eating over > it early on. But we grow stronger with practice and we CAN make it > better for ourselves. But I certainly know the pain it causes you. > > jb > > > > > > > > Yahoo! Canada Toolbar : Search from anywhere on the web and bookmark your favourite sites. Download it now! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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