Re: Learning to see gray

September 11, 2008

Wow , what a "lightbulb" moment you had!! Isn't our intuition and wise inner woman awesome!!

Kim H.

IE since Aug 08

Subject: Learning to see grayTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Thursday, September 11, 2008, 5:22 AM

Hi everyone,I just had a little flash of insight tonight I thought I would share with everyone.I was thinking about how when I started eating intuitively, it was a brand new world for me to live my life without black and white thinking. It was a relief to wake up every day and not allow the scale to dictate to me whether it was a good day or bad day and to not allow the number of carbs or calories I ate the day before determine whether I should hold my head up high or hide my head in shame.But even after I stopped listening to the food police and stopped weighing myself, I still continued to struggle with black and white thinking about myself. "You look fat and ugly today." "That dress makes you look huge." "You ate beyond fullness. You are a hopeless case. You will never be able to do this correctly."As I was thinking tonight about how often black and white thinking still

enters into my life, I heard this little voice of wisdom in my mind say, "Of course it does. You have only thought in terms of black and white your whole life and that kind of thinking permeates every aspect of your life, and always has. You have never learned how to think any other way." Needless to say, that little flash of inner wisdom gave me a lot to think about. And the more I thought about it, the more I saw how true it was. If I have an especially challenging day, caring for my mother (who has late stage Alzheimer's) , I will think about how horrible my life is and how much I hate it. If my husband gets cranky or says or does something insensitive, I will think about all of his negative qualities and question whether this is the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. If a friend says something I find offensive, I will ask myself if this is someone I really want to be

friends with. When my brother says or does something annoying, which he does frequently, I tell myself that I should cut off all communication with him. If I consider taking up a new hobby or interest, I focus on the one negative thing I associate with it and tell myself that this would not work for me.I realize now that the reason I think this way and judge myself and others so harshly is because I have never learned how to think in terms of gray, only in black and white. And I am sure this has cost me a great deal in terms of relationships and personal growth and happiness. I realize I am going to have to start learning how to "Think Gray". Sometimes my husband says or does a stupid thing. The other 90% of the time he is loving and very supportive and kind. Some days ARE very difficult when caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's. But I am also privileged to be able to spend so much time

at home with my mother and I treasure the time we have been able to spend together during these past 7 years. My brother is and always has been very self absorbed, but he can also be very generous and supportive when the chips are down. Friends are only human. Sooner or later, they are all bound to offend you or rub you the wrong way. If you want to have friends, you have to allow them to be human.At 55 years old, learning how to start seeing life in shades of gray will be very challenging but I have made good progress in doing that with food, and I am starting to see some signs of progress in terms of body acceptance. So I am hopeful that I will be able to incorporate this kind of thinking into all areas of my life eventually. Life is not perfect all the time. People are not perfect all the time. I am not perfect all the time. Now I just need to get to work on learning how to accept

that. I believe that the more I am able to truly accept my own imperfections, the easier it will be to accept them in others as well as in life itself.

September 11, 2008

Great post, . Almost every bit of it rang absolutely true for

me too. I've been involved in discussions on other boards on this

topic - seems that many people with disordered eating# are

perfectionists who tend towards black and white thinking, and who

find it a new challenge to hang out in shades of grey.

Cheers

Sig

# Not that that applies to everyone here, but quite a few of us.

.... Life is not perfect all the time. People are not perfect all the

> time. I am not perfect all the time. Now I just need to get to work

> on learning how to accept that. I believe that the more I am able

to

> truly accept my own imperfections, the easier it will be to accept

> them in others as well as in life itself.

>

September 11, 2008

,

I love this! What great insight and determination to alter your way of thinking. I actually heard a nutritionist describe the alternative to black and white as "rainbow thinking." I like that because it's so colorful and makes me think of joy and variety vs. all or nothing that goes with black and white.

I'm attaching an article on rainbow thinking in case anyone is interested...It's basically the gray, renamed

Have a great day!

Kari

http://www.gurze.com/client/client_pages/exerptDDL.cfm---

Subject: Learning to see grayTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Thursday, September 11, 2008, 5:22 AM

Hi everyone,I just had a little flash of insight tonight I thought I would share with everyone.I was thinking about how when I started eating intuitively, it was a brand new world for me to live my life without black and white thinking. It was a relief to wake up every day and not allow the scale to dictate to me whether it was a good day or bad day and to not allow the number of carbs or calories I ate the day before determine whether I should hold my head up high or hide my head in shame.But even after I stopped listening to the food police and stopped weighing myself, I still continued to struggle with black and white thinking about myself. "You look fat and ugly today." "That dress makes you look huge." "You ate beyond fullness. You are a hopeless case. You will never be able to do this correctly."As I was thinking tonight about how often black and white thinking still

enters into my life, I heard this little voice of wisdom in my mind say, "Of course it does. You have only thought in terms of black and white your whole life and that kind of thinking permeates every aspect of your life, and always has. You have never learned how to think any other way." Needless to say, that little flash of inner wisdom gave me a lot to think about. And the more I thought about it, the more I saw how true it was. If I have an especially challenging day, caring for my mother (who has late stage Alzheimer's) , I will think about how horrible my life is and how much I hate it. If my husband gets cranky or says or does something insensitive, I will think about all of his negative qualities and question whether this is the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. If a friend says something I find offensive, I will ask myself if this is someone I really want to be

friends with. When my brother says or does something annoying, which he does frequently, I tell myself that I should cut off all communication with him. If I consider taking up a new hobby or interest, I focus on the one negative thing I associate with it and tell myself that this would not work for me.I realize now that the reason I think this way and judge myself and others so harshly is because I have never learned how to think in terms of gray, only in black and white. And I am sure this has cost me a great deal in terms of relationships and personal growth and happiness. I realize I am going to have to start learning how to "Think Gray". Sometimes my husband says or does a stupid thing. The other 90% of the time he is loving and very supportive and kind. Some days ARE very difficult when caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's. But I am also privileged to be able to spend so much time

at home with my mother and I treasure the time we have been able to spend together during these past 7 years. My brother is and always has been very self absorbed, but he can also be very generous and supportive when the chips are down. Friends are only human. Sooner or later, they are all bound to offend you or rub you the wrong way. If you want to have friends, you have to allow them to be human.At 55 years old, learning how to start seeing life in shades of gray will be very challenging but I have made good progress in doing that with food, and I am starting to see some signs of progress in terms of body acceptance. So I am hopeful that I will be able to incorporate this kind of thinking into all areas of my life eventually. Life is not perfect all the time. People are not perfect all the time. I am not perfect all the time. Now I just need to get to work on learning how to accept

that. I believe that the more I am able to truly accept my own imperfections, the easier it will be to accept them in others as well as in life itself.

September 11, 2008

Kari, I love that concept! Rainbows are even better than grey! Thanks.

:-)

S

>

.... I'm attaching an article on rainbow thinking in case anyone is

interested...It's basically the gray, renamed

>

> Have a great day!

>

September 11, 2008

Hear hear!

When I went to grad school, I chose a completely new tack, going into Science (whereas previously I'd been an English major), in part because I had this idea that Science would be nicely black and white, either/or, up/down, clear cut...of course, surprise surprise, it isn't. We use the scientific method to get clear answers but there are always others, and our methodology is open to question, etc. So the world continued (and continues) to be disconcertingly gray.

People are so sure they're Right all the time, it drives me crazy. So much of what is presented as fact is actually opinion. It would be good for us all to relax, not be so quick to judge or decide...

Learning to see gray

Hi everyone,I just had a little flash of insight tonight I thought I would share with everyone.I was thinking about how when I started eating intuitively, it was a brand new world for me to live my life without black and white thinking. It was a relief to wake up every day and not allow the scale to dictate to me whether it was a good day or bad day and to not allow the number of carbs or calories I ate the day before determine whether I should hold my head up high or hide my head in shame.But even after I stopped listening to the food police and stopped weighing myself, I still continued to struggle with black and white thinking about myself. "You look fat and ugly today." "That dress makes you look huge." "You ate beyond fullness. You are a hopeless case. You will never be able to do this correctly."As I was thinking tonight about how often black and white thinking still

enters into my life, I heard this little voice of wisdom in my mind say, "Of course it does. You have only thought in terms of black and white your whole life and that kind of thinking permeates every aspect of your life, and always has. You have never learned how to think any other way." Needless to say, that little flash of inner wisdom gave me a lot to think about. And the more I thought about it, the more I saw how true it was. If I have an especially challenging day, caring for my mother (who has late stage Alzheimer's) , I will think about how horrible my life is and how much I hate it. If my husband gets cranky or says or does something insensitive, I will think about all of his negative qualities and question whether this is the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. If a friend says something I find offensive, I will ask myself if this is someone I really want to be

friends with. When my brother says or does something annoying, which he does frequently, I tell myself that I should cut off all communication with him. If I consider taking up a new hobby or interest, I focus on the one negative thing I associate with it and tell myself that this would not work for me.I realize now that the reason I think this way and judge myself and others so harshly is because I have never learned how to think in terms of gray, only in black and white. And I am sure this has cost me a great deal in terms of relationships and personal growth and happiness. I realize I am going to have to start learning how to "Think Gray". Sometimes my husband says or does a stupid thing. The other 90% of the time he is loving and very supportive and kind. Some days ARE very difficult when caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's. But I am also privileged to be able to spend so much time

at home with my mother and I treasure the time we have been able to spend together during these past 7 years. My brother is and always has been very self absorbed, but he can also be very generous and supportive when the chips are down. Friends are only human. Sooner or later, they are all bound to offend you or rub you the wrong way. If you want to have friends, you have to allow them to be human.At 55 years old, learning how to start seeing life in shades of gray will be very challenging but I have made good progress in doing that with food, and I am starting to see some signs of progress in terms of body acceptance. So I am hopeful that I will be able to incorporate this kind of thinking into all areas of my life eventually. Life is not perfect all the time. People are not perfect all the time. I am not perfect all the time. Now I just need to get to work on learning how to accept

that. I believe that the more I am able to truly accept my own imperfections, the easier it will be to accept them in others as well as in life itself.

September 14, 2008

Thanks for responding, Sig. I did not realize that my black and white

thinking and perfectionism were so directly related to my disordered

eating. Now that I am becoming aware of how many areas of my life are

impacted by this, I feel like I would like to " do " something about my

black and white thinking and perfectionism, but I don't know where to

start. Have you discovered any helpful books on how to deal with this

or any good resources available on the internet?

Thanks again!

>

> ... I've been involved in discussions on other boards on this

> topic - seems that many people with disordered eating# are

> perfectionists who tend towards black and white thinking, and who

> find it a new challenge to hang out in shades of grey.

>

> Cheers

> Sig

>

> # Not that that applies to everyone here, but quite a few of us.

>

September 14, 2008

Kari,thanks for responding to my post. I really find the concept

of " Rainbow thinking " much more positive and inviting than " Thinking

Gray " .

I appreciated your posting the link. I read the article and found it

very interesting and informative. I could really relate to this part:

" Many people who suffer with food and weight problems also struggle

with Black-and-White Thinking. This means seeing ourselves as either

on or off our diet, good or bad, perfect or a failure. Black-and-

White thinkers swing back and forth between two extremes. We have

trouble even imagining that there could be options, compromise, or a

middle ground. "

I guess that is where I am at. I have trouble even IMAGINING that

there could be a middle ground. I have thought this way all my life

and I am 55 years old. I have no frame of reference for thinking any

other way. I think I probably purposely have chosen a husband and

friends who pretty much operate the same way.

My mother " trained " me to think that way and I picked up where she

left off. I always strived to be the very best at everything I

attempted, and if I felt I could not be the best, I didn't even try.

(At this age, I have given up trying to be " the best " . I do a lot

more of " not even trying " .) I remember in first grade being too

paralzyed to even pick up my pencil to start a simple quiz because I

did not feel there would be adequate time for me to complete it

perfectly. I was five years old, for God's sake!

If you know of any good books on the subject of overcoming

perfectionism, please let me know?

Thank you!

>

> ,

>

> I love this! What great insight and determination to alter your way

of thinking. I actually heard a nutritionist describe the alternative

to black and white as " rainbow thinking. " I like that because it's so

colorful and makes me think of joy and variety vs. all or nothing

that goes with black and white.

>

> I'm attaching an article on rainbow thinking in case anyone is

interested...It's basically the gray, renamed

>

> Have a great day!

>

> Kari

>

> http://www.gurze.com/client/client_pages/exerptDDL.cfm

>

September 15, 2008

,Wow...first grade and paralyzed by a quiz. If you discover any books about working with perfectionism, I'd love to know about them. I've had some extreme perfectionistic tendencies in my life. My life had to fall apart and I had to go into crisis for me to finally "let go." I remember how tense I held my body, how rigid I was....I had to always be on time or early...ALWAYS...and make sure that all my work was done to certain standards and I judged my family and friends by the standards as well. Reading and practicing buddhist/existential/zen principles has been helpful for me particularly some of the work of Pema Chodron. Also, if you're interested in a more psychological review of perfectionism in personality, you may want to review work on the enneagram type 1 personality, which is my dominant type in that system. Also, when I worked

with a therapist in 2007, one of the first things he noticed was that I used the word "but" pretty often and he coached me to use AND instead...that way I could hold the different perspectives of what I was saying to be true at the same time. Last year, I noticed a guy in my area doing a seminar about AND versus But, though I can't think of his name...he may have a book. It's a fun practice...noticing when we say BUT and substituting it with AND and seeing the difference. How we use language says alot about our thinking. All of the letting go that I've done in the past 4-5 years has definitely made a difference on my ability to practice the IE principles.Latoya

September 15, 2008

here is a link to some free podcast that have helped me find balance

between my old black and white thinking.

http://www.heathermacauley.com/silent_language_of_peace.html

> >

> > ... I've been involved in discussions on other boards on this

> > topic - seems that many people with disordered eating# are

> > perfectionists who tend towards black and white thinking, and who

> > find it a new challenge to hang out in shades of grey.

> >

> > Cheers

> > Sig

> >

> > # Not that that applies to everyone here, but quite a few of us.

> >

>

September 15, 2008

What an interesting insight Latoya. It has given me something to think

about too.

Thanks! Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> ,

>

> Wow...first grade and paralyzed by a quiz. If you discover any books

about working with perfectionism, I'd love to know about them. I've

had some extreme perfectionistic tendencies in my life. My life had to

fall apart and I had to go into crisis for me to finally " let go. " I

remember how tense I held my body, how rigid I was....I had to always

be on time or early...ALWAYS...and make sure that all my work was done

to certain standards and I judged my family and friends by the

standards as well. Reading and practicing buddhist/existential/zen

principles has been helpful for me particularly some of the work of

Pema Chodron. Also, if you're interested in a more psychological

review of perfectionism in personality, you may want to review work on

the enneagram type 1 personality, which is my dominant type in that

system.

>

> Also, when I worked with a therapist in 2007, one of the first

things he noticed was that I used the word " but " pretty often and he

coached me to use AND instead...that way I could hold the different

perspectives of what I was saying to be true at the same time. Last

year, I noticed a guy in my area doing a seminar about AND versus But,

though I can't think of his name...he may have a book. It's a fun

practice...noticing when we say BUT and substituting it with AND and

seeing the difference. How we use language says alot about our

thinking. All of the letting go that I've done in the past 4-5 years

has definitely made a difference on my ability to practice the IE

principles.

>

> Latoya

>

September 15, 2008

Thanks, Latoya! I am going to start noticing how often I say " but " .

And I will try replacing it with " and " . Now that I am out of the work

force and staying at home taking care of my mother, combined with the

fact that my husband and I moved to Maine 9 years ago, I am far less

driven than I used to be. I grew up in and spent most of my life in

Connecticut which seems to be a " breeding ground " for perfectionists.

I never heard the expression, " It doesn't have to be good, it just

has to be good enough " until I moved to Maine. Folks are MUCH more

laid back up here, which I love. And my husband and I are Buddhists

at heart and we have done quite a a bit of reading on it. I am

familiar with Pema Chodron's work. Intuitive Eating is very Buddhist,

don't you think? Being one with your body, mindful eating - all in

line with Buddhist thinking.

Yes, back in First Grade, I was a real " go-getter " . I made it a point

to memorize " The Cat In The Hat " months before school started so I

could recite the whole thing by heart on my first day of school and

that is exactly what I did.(Flawlessly, I might add.) :-) I am sure

the teacher thought I was one weird kid, although she did give me a

kiss when I finished, which was a tad embarrassing. Of course, I felt

a little deflated after I finished, wondering how I could possibly

top THAT performance. I realized I had " peaked " on my first day of

First Grade! No where to go but down. LOL.

Well, maybe I will just go into my Buddhist mode and chill out about

this perfectionism thing. Typical of being a perfectionist. " I want

to solve this problem and I want to solve it NOW! I want to be

perfect at NOT being a perfectionist! " LOL. Sometimes you just have

to laugh at yourself. :-)

Thanks again, Latoya!

>

> ,

>

> Wow...first grade and paralyzed by a quiz. If you discover any

books about working with perfectionism, I'd love to know about them.

I've had some extreme perfectionistic tendencies in my life. My life

had to fall apart and I had to go into crisis for me to finally " let

go. " I remember how tense I held my body, how rigid I was....I had to

always be on time or early...ALWAYS...and make sure that all my work

was done to certain standards and I judged my family and friends by

the standards as well. Reading and practicing

buddhist/existential/zen principles has been helpful for me

particularly some of the work of Pema Chodron. Also, if you're

interested in a more psychological review of perfectionism in

personality, you may want to review work on the enneagram type 1

personality, which is my dominant type in that system.

>

> Also, when I worked with a therapist in 2007, one of the first

things he noticed was that I used the word " but " pretty often and he

coached me to use AND instead...that way I could hold the different

perspectives of what I was saying to be true at the same time. Last

year, I noticed a guy in my area doing a seminar about AND versus

But, though I can't think of his name...he may have a book. It's a

fun practice...noticing when we say BUT and substituting it with AND

and seeing the difference. How we use language says alot about our

thinking. All of the letting go that I've done in the past 4-5 years

has definitely made a difference on my ability to practice the IE

principles.

>

> Latoya

>

September 16, 2008

,

A good laugh at yourself regulary is good medicine. I definitely agree that IE aligns very well with alot of buddhist thought...like compassion, lovingkindess, and being present. Memorizing and reciting the entire Cat and in the Hat book in front of your class took great initiative!

L.

September 17, 2008

I can sooooo relate to this post and work on this in my own therapy

quite a bit-- gray is the new black!

>

> Hi everyone,

> I just had a little flash of insight tonight I thought I would share

> with everyone.

>

> I was thinking about how when I started eating intuitively, it was a

> brand new world for me to live my life without black and white

> thinking. It was a relief to wake up every day and not allow the

> scale to dictate to me whether it was a good day or bad day and to

> not allow the number of carbs or calories I ate the day before

> determine whether I should hold my head up high or hide my head in

> shame.

>

> But even after I stopped listening to the food police and stopped

> weighing myself, I still continued to struggle with black and white

> thinking about myself. " You look fat and ugly today. " " That dress

> makes you look huge. " " You ate beyond fullness. You are a hopeless

> case. You will never be able to do this correctly. "

>

> As I was thinking tonight about how often black and white thinking

> still enters into my life, I heard this little voice of wisdom in my

> mind say, " Of course it does. You have only thought in terms of black

> and white your whole life and that kind of thinking permeates every

> aspect of your life, and always has. You have never learned how to

> think any other way. "

>

> Needless to say, that little flash of inner wisdom gave me a lot to

> think about. And the more I thought about it, the more I saw how true

> it was. If I have an especially challenging day, caring for my

> mother (who has late stage Alzheimer's), I will think about how

> horrible my life is and how much I hate it. If my husband gets cranky

> or says or does something insensitive, I will think about all of his

> negative qualities and question whether this is the kind of person I

> want to spend the rest of my life with. If a friend says something I

> find offensive, I will ask myself if this is someone I really want to

> be friends with. When my brother says or does something annoying,

> which he does frequently, I tell myself that I should cut off all

> communication with him. If I consider taking up a new hobby or

> interest, I focus on the one negative thing I associate with it and

> tell myself that this would not work for me.

>

> I realize now that the reason I think this way and judge myself and

> others so harshly is because I have never learned how to think in

> terms of gray, only in black and white. And I am sure this has cost

> me a great deal in terms of relationships and personal growth and

> happiness.

>

> I realize I am going to have to start learning how to " Think Gray " .

> Sometimes my husband says or does a stupid thing. The other 90% of

> the time he is loving and very supportive and kind. Some days ARE

> very difficult when caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's. But I am

> also privileged to be able to spend so much time at home with my

> mother and I treasure the time we have been able to spend together

> during these past 7 years. My brother is and always has been very

> self absorbed, but he can also be very generous and supportive when

> the chips are down. Friends are only human. Sooner or later, they are

> all bound to offend you or rub you the wrong way. If you want to have

> friends, you have to allow them to be human.

>

> At 55 years old, learning how to start seeing life in shades of gray

> will be very challenging but I have made good progress in doing that

> with food, and I am starting to see some signs of progress in terms

> of body acceptance. So I am hopeful that I will be able to

> incorporate this kind of thinking into all areas of my life

> eventually.

>

> Life is not perfect all the time. People are not perfect all the

> time. I am not perfect all the time. Now I just need to get to work

> on learning how to accept that. I believe that the more I am able to

> truly accept my own imperfections, the easier it will be to accept

> them in others as well as in life itself.

>

September 17, 2008

Hi :

Thank you for posting your feelings on this. You have given me some

things to think about as well, as I am also a black and white thinker.

My thinking seems so harsh and judgemental towards myself and others.

This is definitely something to be aware of and work on.

September 17, 2008

I too struggle with " black/white - all/nothing " thinking, and it's

interesting to see how many people who struggle with disordered eating

do - I believe there is definitely a correlation.

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!