Re: Principle 7 - Cope with Your Emotions Without Using Food

[Guest guest]

Your post struck a chord with me too, Arnie. I also acknowledge how

boredom and loneliness have affected my eating over the years.

Like you, when I was younger I was really a very lonely person, and

moving out of home for the first time really exacerbated that

problem. I thought I wanted to be by myself and all grown up, out of

the overcrowded family nest and " free " , but I just ate and ate

instead. I wanted connection with new people, but thought that my

self-perceived overweight and unattractiveness would prevent that, so

I binged nightly to fill the emptiness in my life. I'm not a

naturally very outgoing or sociable person as it is.

I recall those early years being quite desperate times in my life,

though I doubt anyone noticed it (apart from the obvious marked

weight gain which was politely not commented on). I remember

travelling miles and miles by myself at night to get to OA meetings

(which didn't really work for me, but I was desperate for a sense of

community over this problem). Recently I picked up my copy

of " Overcoming Overeating " from those times which had my highlighting

and notes/scribble all over it, and I really felt sorry for the poor

girl I was back then – memories of that unhappiness came flooding

back.

Reading this chapter I could still identify with a lot of the

emotional triggers for overeating, but then I also realised that my

behaviour in response to those triggers has now markedly improved.

Yes, I still catch myself standing in frustration at the

kitchen/pantry doors on occasion, yet I am able to recognise that

this is non-hungry eating for emotional reasons, often I can identify

exactly what issue I am restless and unhappy about, and I simply

don't binge over these things any more, like I used to. I do

sometimes eat beyond simply satisfying hunger (as do normal eaters),

but I haven't had a full-on, numb-the-emotion, god-I-feel-sick kind

of binge for ages. That's a really happy realisation.

I liked the bit at the end of this chapter where the authors describe

emotional eating as potentially a " strange gift " – " …a red flag that

lets you know that something isn't right in your life. Once you

truly appreciate this, eating will not feel out of control – rather

it's an early warning system. Recognise how lucky you are to have

this mechanism to alert you that something is out of kilter in your

life! " .

That's kind of what I can do now. Food is no longer my coping

mechanism for everything. I can identify and just ride along on the

occasions where I do use it for comfort, distraction or whatever, but

that use is minimal, quite instructive, and doesn't lead to guilt or

recrimination any more. Maybe one day, for me food will just be …

food.

Cheers

Sig

.....

> At work boredom is a big trigger for me. I have a few tasks at work

> that I have to do every month and I find it repetitive and a little

> mind numbing. Lately I've realized I reach for food when doing

these

> tasks. I guess the food is simply a little sensory stimulation and

a

> distraction. It also allows me to get up from my desk and move

around

> a little.

....

> Loneliness is also a big emotional stressor for me. I'm not real

good

> at connecting with other people, although I've learnt to be better

at

> it. When I was younger I pretty much burnt with loneliness all the

> time. It had nothing to do with the physical proximity of people.

> Bing in a crowded room can be the loneliest place of all. Over the

> years I've gotten much better at connecting with people. A lot of

it

> had to do with learning and trusting to be more open. But I know

> there are still times that when I feel lonely the first thing that

> comes to mind is food.

>

> I'm just starting to learn to cope with emotions without using

food.

> I'm grateful for this chapter in the book because if there is

> anything about IE that would make me quit trying it is this. This

is

> also where this group becomes important. It is important to me to

> know I'm not the only one that goes through these difficult things.

I

> should probably sit down and do the exercise of listing how using

> food had hurt and helped. Sometimes it helps to see things on paper.

[Guest guest]

When I first saw this principle, I knew that it was going to be an

area of alot of work and transformation for me. Cope with your

emotions without using food...that's a powerful statement to me. It

requires courage, tolerance, acceptance, alot of letting go, new

behaviors, and shifting a pattern that has been with me since I was a

young child.

What's been essential is to bring more awareness to, work with, and

respond to my emotional states. Once experiences have led to the build

up into an intense emotional state, I usually go into a trance and

it's almost impossible to stop myself from using food. It brings tears

to my eyes to realize that I haven't experienced one of these

" trances " in months. Now, I feel my emotional states and I know when

I'm turning to food and eating for emotional reasons. I now have a

solid sense that when my emotional weather is sunny and clear or at

least mostly clear, recognizing and eating for biological hunger feels

quite natural. When emotional clouds have rolled in or there's stormy

weather, my hunger signals get distorted. It's possible now to take

the time to watch my internal weather more and to find a place of calm

in order to be clear about whether I am hungry or not and to respond

to my emotions in other more effective ways.

I really had to learn about how hunger arises and what true hunger

feels like in my body in order to cope with my emotions without using

food. It is very easy for me to use food when I'm not sure of whether

I'm hungry or not. My emotional state has become more distinct from

physical sensations of hunger. Previously, it was like my emotional

state dominated my body and held the same power to influence when I

ate as my hunger signals. Going from a habit of eating to change

emotional states to allowing hunger signals to help determine when I

eat has been very liberating. I can respond to myself more skillfully.

It's much more difficult to mindlessly eat because I KNOW that I'm not

hungry...when I'm not hungry and going towards food...I know that some

something's pushing me off balance and can respond to myself in a

caring way.

Latoya

Practicing IE since Jan '08

[Guest guest]

" I liked the bit at the end of this chapter where the authors describe

> emotional eating as potentially a " strange gift " – " …a red flag that

> lets you know that something isn't right in your life. Once you

> truly appreciate this, eating will not feel out of control – rather

> it's an early warning system. Recognise how lucky you are to have

> this mechanism to alert you that something is out of kilter in your

> life! " . "

For me this was truly an eye-opener too. The thing I appreciate most

about the book (besides the obvious), is that it really focuses on the

positives. Seeing myself standing and supposedly " needing " food as

something positive has really been wonderful for me. I think my whole

life I've seen the problems with my eating as " negative " and " needing

to be conquered " , but with IE, I'm learning to see that this can be

the best thing I've ever done. I'm learning to be gentle with myself

and see myself through new eyes. Little by little it's paying off and

it's becoming NORMAL.

dawn

[Guest guest]

Wow, this is a hard one. It's almost like I don't even know where to

start.

I know that I am an emotional eater. I eat to relieve stress and

combat boredom. I know that there are things I can do as an

alternative. And this is where it gets tricky -- I feel like I don't

have enough mastery over myself to stop eating and do soemthing

else. It's as if I don't recognize I'm eating out of emotion until

it's too late and the only thing I feel is stuffed. I've made a few

steps in the right direction, but I know it will take time and a lot

of work before I get there.

I would also tell you that I eat sometimes out of habit - a few

cookies after I put my son to bed or a snack when I get home just

because I've always done it. I think this actually is boredom

eating. I am working on starting up some hobbies, such as knitting

and reading, I let slide when I had my son. I've had a few times

where I've tried to talk to my husband when I'm bored only to find

out that I don't know what to talk about. It's weird to me that

conversation should take practice, but I guess it does. Plus he

spends most of his free time playing on line games, which really

annoys me. Maybe that's part of the reason I eat!

[Guest guest]

Arnie,

Thank you so much for your openness. Boy can I relate. I think the

key to not moving into the sedation mode, is to remain aware and

mindful. Aware of how we are feeling. Aware of what and why we are

eating. It is hard, isn't it?!

I especially relate to your comments on lonliness. Especially with

the lonliness in a group of people. I so would love to have some

companionship. Someone to go and do things with. But I have had to

disolve many of my disfunctional and abusive relationships. And

while I am in a healthier state, it is excruciatingly lonely. And

also with my son being a teenager that doen't want anything to do

with me. I have decided that I can't be a friend to anyone if I'm

not a friend to myself first. Next month there is a concert I

really want to go to. But I don't have anyone I can ask or would

want to ask to join me. So, I'm going to go by myself anyway and

enjoy the music. I agree, it is about learning to trust and be

open. I think that starts with trusting ourselves.

Alana

>

> Hi All,

> This message is continuing with our weekly theme of a thread of

> messages focusing on one of the ten principles outlined in the

book

> Intuitive Eating by Tribole and Resch. Please post and let us

know

> what you think about this week's topic. Perhaps you could quote a

> small section that meant something special to you. If you haven't

> read the book for a while, you might want to re-read this section.

> Something new might jump out at you that you would like to share

> about. If you don't have the book that's okay too, just post on

the

> topic or other peoples comments about the topic.

>

> If you are new to the group and would like to read and post about

a

> previous week's theme, that's okay too. You can go directly to

that

> message and then scroll down to the bottom of the page to see many

of

> the posts in that thread.

>

> Principle 1 - " Rejecting the Diet mentality " started with message

#

> 16826.

> Principle 2 – " Honor Your Hunger " started with message # 17023.

> Principle 3 – " Make Peace with Food " started with message # 17267.

> Principle 4 – " Challenge the Food Police " started with message #

> 17462.

> Principle 5 – " Respect Your Fullness " started with message # 17630.

> Principle 6 – " Discover the Satisfaction Factor " started with

> message # 17830

> __________________________________

>

> This is a tough one. This coping with emotions means going through

> some rather uncomfortable feelings. Before I started Intuitive

Eating

> I probably would have told you that I don't eat because of

emotions,

> but since starting IE I've learnt otherwise. Sometimes now I know

I'm

> not physically hungry, but I still want to eat.

>

> At work boredom is a big trigger for me. I have a few tasks at

work

> that I have to do every month and I find it repetitive and a

little

> mind numbing. Lately I've realized I reach for food when doing

these

> tasks. I guess the food is simply a little sensory stimulation and

a

> distraction. It also allows me to get up from my desk and move

around

> a little.

>

> The book talks about using food to sedate yourself and I know I do

> this. The book says this can be an addictive behavior; this is not

> surprising to me since I know I have addictive behaviors in other

> areas of life. I go for the completely detached from life

experience.

> There are no feelings to experience in this state. But that is

really

> an awful way to go through life. Being zoned out and then having

to

> deal with the emotional hangover afterwards is no fun. I still do

> this and I'm not sure how best to deal with it all the time, but

for

> the last couple weeks I've found myself buying smaller quantities

of

> sugar laden food than I usually do. So maybe something is changing

in

> the right direction.

>

> Loneliness is also a big emotional stressor for me. I'm not real

good

> at connecting with other people, although I've learnt to be better

at

> it. When I was younger I pretty much burnt with loneliness all the

> time. It had nothing to do with the physical proximity of people.

> Bing in a crowded room can be the loneliest place of all. Over the

> years I've gotten much better at connecting with people. A lot of

it

> had to do with learning and trusting to be more open. But I know

> there are still times that when I feel lonely the first thing that

> comes to mind is food.

>

> I'm just starting to learn to cope with emotions without using

food.

> I'm grateful for this chapter in the book because if there is

> anything about IE that would make me quit trying it is this. This

is

> also where this group becomes important. It is important to me to

> know I'm not the only one that goes through these difficult

things. I

> should probably sit down and do the exercise of listing how using

> food had hurt and helped. Sometimes it helps to see things on

paper.

>

> Sorry for such a long post, I guess this chapter really strikes a

> chord with me.

>

> Arnie

> IEing since Aug 08

>

[Guest guest]

If there is one principle that is most difficult to 'do' it has to be

this one. Using food for non hunger reasons is an old and long

practiced habit to me and most others here too from what I have read.

For sure food COMFORTS - its can provide a 'lift', help cool or warm

one's body and serve as something to STUFF into one's mouth instead of

otherwise expressing emotions that hurt or could cause one to be hurt

for doing that.

I remember sneaking food when I couldn't get what I wanted/needed from

my parents. Food became the comforter and a way I rewarded myself too.

I also find myself going for food when my mind is 'working' on

something. I am not one to simply sit and do 'nothing' so food filled

the 'something' category. These are old and deeply ingrained habits

for me which make changing them all the more difficult. In my case, I

have learned one thing in IE - don't PUSH too hard because the

backlash rebellion quickly kills any attempt at a good intention. I'm

getting more success at just letting awareness seep in and work its

way towards changes that 'pop up' for me, when I am ready.

Katcha

IEing since March 2007

[Guest guest]

I don’t eat when I am stressed,

worried, sad, crying, fearful or experiencing any one of a whole range of

negative emotions. The lid goes over my tummy and hunger flies out the

window. I think I DO eat through boredom though or just to make myself feel

better. But I am acknowledging this now and noticing how I react and how I

treat food. I bet so many people don’t even realise they are doing it.

I now watch people at the cinema scoffing huge buckets of popcorn. Are they

hungry or do they just want to make themselves feel better and make the film

even more enjoyable? It’s so fascinating to observe once you are on your

IE journey. Enlightenment is a wonderful thing!

Janey xx

IEing since February 2007

If there is one principle that is most difficult to

'do' it has to be

this one. Using food for non hunger reasons is an old and long

practiced habit to me and most others here too from what I have read.

For sure food COMFORTS - its can provide a 'lift', help cool or warm

one's body and serve as something to STUFF into one's mouth instead of

otherwise expressing emotions that hurt or could cause one to be hurt

for doing that.

Katcha

IEing since March 2007

[Guest guest]

Hi:

I went and read some of this chapter yesterday. They state that at

the beginning, people don't even realize they are eating emotionally,

and I must say I am still in that category a good deal of the time.

But I am gaining an awareness of when I eat to deal with feelings. I

do it alot, and I am slowly realizing that this is core to my weight

and emotional problems.

I think much of my overeating is due to boredom and loneliness. I

feel very isolated from people and have created this situation

because of fear. Ever since my divorce I have withdrawn because it

is easier than trying to trust people again. And being overweight

makes it even worse, because in the back of my mind I keep telling

myself I will get " out there " once I lose weight. I think it is just

an excuse I make to stay in my shell and stay safe. And the food is

definitely comforting when I feel empty, bored, lonely and anxious

because I literally do not know what to do with myself. A perfect

answer is to eat a bowl of ice cream and go into a food coma.

Problem is, that it just perpetuates the problem and it never gets

resolved.

I have two teenagers and just watching them go through the difficult

stages of finding your likes and dislikes and who you want to

associate with etc etc is bringing this all up for me. I don't think

I am very far behind them, because I am as socially anxious and self

conscious as they are. I fear I am a terrible role model. I have

always been this way, and have tried escaping it through many

avenues, and the best, most effective, and most ingrained is food.

The more I look, the more I realize this is not about food at all.

[Guest guest]

,

It's a real privilege to witness the light bulb moments like yours

that occur so often on this group and in the process of practicing

intuitive eating.

Alot of the time, we like to be ahead of the curve in the learning

process...and sometimes we realize that just isn't so. You're

realization puts you in an excellent position to empathize with and

understand your children's processes, struggles, and growth. The

best role models are those people who recognize both their

weaknesses and strengths, continue to learn and grow, and admit that

they don't have all the answers and are willing to take the journey

to find what's real. From where I'm sitting, you definitely fall

within that category.

Latoya

I have two teenagers and just watching them go through the difficult

stages of finding your likes and dislikes and who you want to

associate with etc etc is bringing this all up for me. I don't

think I am very far behind them, because I am as socially anxious

and self conscious as they are. I fear I am a terrible role model.

I have always been this way, and have tried escaping it through many

avenues, and the best, most effective, and most ingrained is food.

The more I look, the more I realize this is not about food at all.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for this post Latoya. It is difficult to realize that your

actions or hangups will affect your kids, like it or not. There are

some things going on in my family that I can see directly relate to

how I am living (or should I say not living) my life. I guess that

may be a good motivator for me to change my behavior, but it makes me

crazy that I have been focusing on this problem for so long and

putting good effort in, but it has backfired in a way. I was focusing

on the food, and not on my emotions and how I avoid them.

I am hopeful that through IE, I will learn new ways of being and

acting and that the kids will notice and see there is a different way

to cope with life.

-- In IntuitiveEating_Support , " latoyajw "

wrote:

>

> ,

>

> It's a real privilege to witness the light bulb moments like yours

> that occur so often on this group and in the process of practicing

> intuitive eating.

>

> Alot of the time, we like to be ahead of the curve in the learning

> process...and sometimes we realize that just isn't so. You're

> realization puts you in an excellent position to empathize with and

> understand your children's processes, struggles, and growth. The

> best role models are those people who recognize both their

> weaknesses and strengths, continue to learn and grow, and admit that

> they don't have all the answers and are willing to take the journey

> to find what's real. From where I'm sitting, you definitely fall

> within that category.

>

> Latoya

>

>

> I have two teenagers and just watching them go through the difficult

> stages of finding your likes and dislikes and who you want to

> associate with etc etc is bringing this all up for me. I don't

> think I am very far behind them, because I am as socially anxious

> and self conscious as they are. I fear I am a terrible role model.

> I have always been this way, and have tried escaping it through many

> avenues, and the best, most effective, and most ingrained is food.

> The more I look, the more I realize this is not about food at all.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Just about all of the information about healthy eating or dieting

pretty much only focused on food, exercise, and will power until very

recently. I've started to see emotions get a little blurb in some

plans now.

I too was focused on the fact that sometimes I ate " too much " food or

I ate junk food " too often " , and I didn't exercise enough as the major

culprits to my weight issues. Even though I knew on some level that I

ate when angry, sad, etc., I didn't see that pattern as holding me

back until the past year. Many times, I felt justified about eating

when angry or sad...I had tried everything I knew to help myself in

most situations and sometimes ended up feeling helpless in

someway...so food was the one area that I felt like I had some

control. I could eat and make myself feel better or numb. Putting on

weight was like a big middle finger I could give to " life " when I

struggled and the weight also protected me from the big scary world.

We, like many others on this group, have such an opportunity now. We

see the link between eating and emotions more clearly, can work with

ourselves, and our efforts will be new models of more balanced ways of

being and acting.

Latoya

I was focusing

> on the food, and not on my emotions and how I avoid them.

> I am hopeful that through IE, I will learn new ways of being and

> acting and that the kids will notice and see there is a different way

> to cope with life.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone!

This is an important principle for me (and most of us!). I definitely used food to numb out uncomfortable feelings. When I was younger, I restricted food to feel some sort of "control" in my life, and to feel "strong". As I got older, I started bingeing to numb out my feelings. By the time I started really looking at my disorderd eating, I had a complete disconnect between my rational mind and emotional being.

I spent about a year learning to re-connect and identify my feelings. I clearly saw the connection between bingeing and weight obsession and my emotions. I SLOWLY learned to give myself permission to feel my feelings. I also SLOWLY learned how to cope with them in a healthier way. I have a wonderful therapist whom I have a great trust and bond with - I still see her occasionally.

Like the IE book mentions in this principle - when I start noticing myself having urges to binge, I know something emotional is going on! It really is a helpful "red flag". If I get those binge urges, I know I need to check in w/myself and go into "self-care" mode. I used to feel guilty or "bad" for putting my needs first (I'm married w/kids), but now I realize how important it is that I am emotionally well.

Some of the ways I cope with emotions (esp uncomfy ones) are: journalling, napping, taking a walk, emailing/calling a friend, coloring/drawing and reading. Sometimes I still choose to eat, too, but at least I know why I'm doing it!! Oh, the book "Eating By the Light of the Moon" has helped my so much, too. I feel validated by that book.

Thanks for listening

Kim

IE since Aug 08

Subject: Principle 7 - Cope with Your Emotions Without Using FoodTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Wednesday, September 24, 2008, 11:22 PM

Hi All,This message is continuing with our weekly theme of a thread of messages focusing on one of the ten principles outlined in the book Intuitive Eating by Tribole and Resch. Please post and let us know what you think about this week's topic. Perhaps you could quote a small section that meant something special to you. If you haven't read the book for a while, you might want to re-read this section. Something new might jump out at you that you would like to share about. If you don't have the book that's okay too, just post on the topic or other peoples comments about the topic.If you are new to the group and would like to read and post about a previous week's theme, that's okay too. You can go directly to that message and then scroll down to the bottom of the page to see many of the posts in that thread. Principle 1 - "Rejecting the Diet mentality" started with message # 16826.

Principle 2 – "Honor Your Hunger" started with message # 17023.Principle 3 – "Make Peace with Food" started with message # 17267.Principle 4 – "Challenge the Food Police" started with message # 17462.Principle 5 – "Respect Your Fullness" started with message # 17630.Principle 6 – "Discover the Satisfaction Factor" started with message # 17830____________ _________ _________ ____This is a tough one. This coping with emotions means going through some rather uncomfortable feelings. Before I started Intuitive Eating I probably would have told you that I don't eat because of emotions, but since starting IE I've learnt otherwise. Sometimes now I know I'm not physically hungry, but I still want to eat.At work boredom is a big trigger for me. I have a few tasks at work that I have to do every month and I find it repetitive and a little mind numbing. Lately I've realized I reach

for food when doing these tasks. I guess the food is simply a little sensory stimulation and a distraction. It also allows me to get up from my desk and move around a little.The book talks about using food to sedate yourself and I know I do this. The book says this can be an addictive behavior; this is not surprising to me since I know I have addictive behaviors in other areas of life. I go for the completely detached from life experience. There are no feelings to experience in this state. But that is really an awful way to go through life. Being zoned out and then having to deal with the emotional hangover afterwards is no fun. I still do this and I'm not sure how best to deal with it all the time, but for the last couple weeks I've found myself buying smaller quantities of sugar laden food than I usually do. So maybe something is changing in the right direction.Loneliness is also a

big emotional stressor for me. I'm not real good at connecting with other people, although I've learnt to be better at it. When I was younger I pretty much burnt with loneliness all the time. It had nothing to do with the physical proximity of people. Bing in a crowded room can be the loneliest place of all. Over the years I've gotten much better at connecting with people. A lot of it had to do with learning and trusting to be more open. But I know there are still times that when I feel lonely the first thing that comes to mind is food.I'm just starting to learn to cope with emotions without using food. I'm grateful for this chapter in the book because if there is anything about IE that would make me quit trying it is this. This is also where this group becomes important. It is important to me to know I'm not the only one that goes through these difficult things. I should probably sit down and

do the exercise of listing how using food had hurt and helped. Sometimes it helps to see things on paper.Sorry for such a long post, I guess this chapter really strikes a chord with me.ArnieIEing since Aug 08

[Guest guest]

I use food to numb myself, too. I'm aware of that since I read one of

Geneen Roth's book years ago.

Sometimes I think " ignorance is bliss " . Knowing why I eat and not being

able to stop feels worse than not being aware of emotional eating.

I always feel weak and like a failure when giving in to emotional

eating.

Regards

s.