HELP!

[Guest guest]

I am having such a hard time sticking to IE. It's like I have a

daily routine of how my mind works. It begins when I go to bed, and

I'm lying there thinking, " OK, what if I ate 3 meals a day on a

medium plate, or what about 4 meals a day on a small plate. I didn't

feel too hungry today, but I ate anyway. So I guess my body doesn't

really know when it is hungry and when it is just craving. So if I

time and measure my meals, I'll always be full after and hungry when

it's time to eat. " And so on. And then I'll decide on some " plan "

that I will do the next day. So I wake up the next day and remember

what I was thinking last night, but realize I am hungry NOW and it's

not " time to eat " yet. So I'll jump in the shower and debate

fiercely with myself in my head whether I'll intuitively eat or

structurally eat. Then I usually decide to IE. After I've eaten,

I'll get hungry like not even an hour later, so I'll eat about every

hour until noonish. Then I'll be disgusted with myself for all that

eating, and I'll decide I don't need to IE, I'm better off just

dictating to my body what to eat and when. Then I feel relieved, and

I'll eat something light that evening and maybe a snack and lay in

bed and the whole process starts all over. My emotions and mood are

all out of kilter, and this has been happening for over a week, EVERY

DAY. I want it to stop. Would it help if I did do a " planned " day

of food, to show myself it isn't all it's cracked up to be? Or

what? I just hate how I feel when I IE right now. Is it normal to

feel so disgusted when you eat what you want when you want?

Also, contributing to the mental debate are mini-episodes where I

want to lose weight by not eating much. Like yesterday I was at

dance class and I realized that I wasn't that hungry, and if I could

just... and I didn't even know what that " just... " was, but I wanted

to go back to my ED tendencies. I am having a hell of a time getting

over this ED. Life sucks right now, and I don't want it to. I'm

about to start college, and I want to be happy and carefree - at

least when it comes to food, but this is such an obstacle and

stressor in my life, I feel almost like if I took " control " of my

eating, I wouldn't be stressed about it. But I've noticed every time

now I take " control " of my eating, I get depressed in a matter of

hours, and likely binge.

I am already seeing a psychologist, but I'm not so sure it's doing

much.

PLEASE HELP.