Where are you in the autobiography?

September 16, 2008

" Autobiography in Five Short Chapters " by Portia :

Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost---I am helpless. It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't

believe I am in the same place, but it isn't my fault. It still takes

a long time to get out.

Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in . . . . it's a habit. My

eyes open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5: I walk down another street.

***

If I were to relate this to my IE journey, I'd say right now that I'm

on Chapter 3. I honor my hunger, but I have a hard time

distinguishing between " stomach hunger " and " taste hunger. " I still

don't feel comfortable in my body, but there's no way I'm going back

to dieting!

Where do you think you are here?

September 17, 2008

I love this! I am pathetically mired in Chapter 2, I'm afraid. Full of pretense. Although I think I have moments of honesty! Working on it!

Where are you in the "autobiography?"

"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" by Portia :Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I fall in. I am lost---I am helpless. It isn't my fault.It takes forever to find a way out.Chapter 2: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can'tbelieve I am in the same place, but it isn't my fault. It still takesa long time to get out.Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in . . . . it's a habit. Myeyes open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I walk around it.Chapter 5: I walk down another street.***If I were to relate this to my IE journey, I'd say right now that I'mon Chapter 3. I honor my hunger,

but I have a hard timedistinguishing between "stomach hunger" and "taste hunger." I stilldon't feel comfortable in my body, but there's no way I'm going backto dieting! Where do you think you are here?

September 17, 2008

This is interesting! I think I'm somewhere between Chapters 2 and 3. I can catch when I'm not following IE principles, but my thoughts can still be toxic and discourage me, so I don't think I usually get out of it immediately. What keeps me going is the belief that I can get to Chapter 5. It's what I want so badly! -Kari

Subject: Where are you in the "autobiography?"To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 11:50 PM

"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" by Portia :Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I fall in. I am lost---I am helpless. It isn't my fault.It takes forever to find a way out.Chapter 2: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can'tbelieve I am in the same place, but it isn't my fault. It still takesa long time to get out.Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in . . . . it's a habit. Myeyes open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I walk around it.Chapter 5: I walk down another street.***If I were to relate this to my IE journey, I'd say right now that I'mon Chapter 3. I honor my hunger,

but I have a hard timedistinguishing between "stomach hunger" and "taste hunger." I stilldon't feel comfortable in my body, but there's no way I'm going backto dieting! Where do you think you are here?

September 17, 2008

Great analogy! I'm working chapters 3-5. There are times now when I

walk down another street (I'm consicous around being out of my

normal eating pattern) and it's fantastic. I think that practicing

IE helps us envision and create new streets to walk down.

Latoya:)

Practicing IE since Jan '08

>

> " Autobiography in Five Short Chapters " by Portia :

>

> Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the

> sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost---I am helpless. It isn't my

fault.

> It takes forever to find a way out.

>

> Chapter 2: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the

> sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't

> believe I am in the same place, but it isn't my fault. It still

takes

> a long time to get out.

>

> Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in

the

> sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in . . . . it's a habit.

My

> eyes open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out

immediately.

>

> Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in

the

> sidewalk. I walk around it.

>

> Chapter 5: I walk down another street.

>

> ***

>

> If I were to relate this to my IE journey, I'd say right now that

I'm

> on Chapter 3. I honor my hunger, but I have a hard time

> distinguishing between " stomach hunger " and " taste hunger. " I

still

> don't feel comfortable in my body, but there's no way I'm going

back

> to dieting!

>

> Where do you think you are here?

>

September 17, 2008

This poem really hit home for me. I'm just sort of struggling along

here. I'm not sure what is going on. A week or so ago, I had done good

with listening to my hunger. Then I just went on a binge that didn't

stop.

Today I'm sitting here feeling like the mom of this rebellious little

kid who just got caught. The pleasure of the rebellion is just not

there today. Instead I just feel sad. The " fun " of the binge is over.

I need to end this relationship and I just feel sad and lost.

I'm not sure what to do with all these feelings. I think for me that's

the hardest part. The ride was fun, but now I've crashed. Truthfully?

I'm scared. I'm scared that my feelings will be too big for me to

handle and that I won't be able to deal with them without food.

And yet I just can't keep using food.

I'm probably on Chapter 2. The thing about this poem, is it helped me

to regain some focus. To realize that there ARE options. Sometimes I

feel like I get stuck in a mindset of hopelessness, and this poem

helped me " see " where I want to be someday. Strange how much it

impacted me. Thank-you for posting it.

dawnz

September 17, 2008

Somewhere between 3 and 4, depending on the day. I am committed, however, and am working diligently to get to chapter 5...

Man improves himself as he follows his path; if he stands still, waiting to improve before he makes a decision, he'll never move.-o Coelho

September 17, 2008

Dawn,

I totally get your fear of feelings. I started IE August 21st and have been bombarded with feelings since then. I have to say that this week has been better, but my journey has been like this. Week 1-honeymoon period-excited doing well, yay! Week Two-Anxiety!!!!! which led to bingeing and a short break from feelings. Week three-eating intuitively again, but overwhelmed with feelings of anger, anxiety, inadequacy, you name it. Week Four-a few ups and downs, still struggling with weight, but overall, much happier...

I think this is just a part of the journey and something we have to go through to make peace with ourselves and then food as a result. I won't give up if you don't

Kari

Subject: Re: Where are you in the "autobiography?"To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 9:24 AM

This poem really hit home for me. I'm just sort of struggling alonghere. I'm not sure what is going on. A week or so ago, I had done goodwith listening to my hunger. Then I just went on a binge that didn'tstop. Today I'm sitting here feeling like the mom of this rebellious littlekid who just got caught. The pleasure of the rebellion is just notthere today. Instead I just feel sad. The "fun" of the binge is over.I need to end this relationship and I just feel sad and lost.I'm not sure what to do with all these feelings. I think for me that'sthe hardest part. The ride was fun, but now I've crashed. Truthfully?I'm scared. I'm scared that my feelings will be too big for me tohandle and that I won't be able to deal with them without food.And yet I just can't keep using food.I'm probably on Chapter 2. The thing about this poem, is it helped meto regain some focus. To realize that

there ARE options. Sometimes Ifeel like I get stuck in a mindset of hopelessness, and this poemhelped me "see" where I want to be someday. Strange how much itimpacted me. Thank-you for posting it. dawnz

September 17, 2008

Dawnz,

I had a similar experience this past Sunday. It was 8 p.m. and I sent

my brother out to get Taco Bell. I wasn't hungry...I just wanted

" something. " I knew something wasn't right with myself about that

decision, I reflected on the reasons, and discovered that I felt like

I was " getting away " with something...a rebellious, delinquent side of

me was getting a sense of pleasure from the ability to eat something

and no one could stop me! You know what? I've had this experience

before. I started sneaking food at night when I was 4 years old and my

mom left my life for 5 months. I was using food to cope with

overwhelming feelings of loss. I needed someone to stop me from eating

then and to help me deal with my feelings and no one did.

That four year old experience has progressed into my version of the

food rebel. No one can stop me and I haven't figure out yet how to

work with that part of myself other than to be aware and nurturing to

myself. I working on finding new ways to channel my delinquent self

without using food. Sometimes my feelings are too big for me to handle

without using food...and it's getting better and easier not to use

food. I now see the signs and recognize the feelings in my body that

will lead to me using food...and by working with those feelings can

snap out of the trance (before I walk down the same street

again)...and it's happening quicker and quicker. You will figure out

more skillful ways to work with your feelings as your process continues.

Latoya

Practicing IE since Jan '08

> Today I'm sitting here feeling like the mom of this rebellious

little kid who just got caught. The pleasure of the rebellion is just

not there today. Instead I just feel sad. The " fun " of the binge is

over. I need to end this relationship and I just feel sad and lost.

I'm not sure what to do with all these feelings. I think for me that's

the hardest part. The ride was fun, but now I've crashed. Truthfully?

I'm scared. I'm scared that my feelings will be too big for me to

handle and that I won't be able to deal with them without food.

> And yet I just can't keep using food.

September 17, 2008

Thanks Kari,

I think I'm right between your week 2 and 3. Binging and also starting

to feel anxiety because I'm allowing myself some feelings. It's sad

and weird all rolled into one. Anxiety is a good word for where I am.

Hanging on and not giving up.

dawn

>

> Subject: Re: Where are you in the

" autobiography? "

> To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> Date: Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 9:24 AM

>

> This poem really hit home for me. I'm just sort of struggling along

> here. I'm not sure what is going on. A week or so ago, I had done good

> with listening to my hunger. Then I just went on a binge that didn't

> stop.

>

> Today I'm sitting here feeling like the mom of this rebellious little

> kid who just got caught. The pleasure of the rebellion is just not

> there today. Instead I just feel sad. The " fun " of the binge is over.

> I need to end this relationship and I just feel sad and lost.

>

> I'm not sure what to do with all these feelings. I think for me that's

> the hardest part. The ride was fun, but now I've crashed. Truthfully?

> I'm scared. I'm scared that my feelings will be too big for me to

> handle and that I won't be able to deal with them without food.

>

> And yet I just can't keep using food.

>

> I'm probably on Chapter 2. The thing about this poem, is it helped me

> to regain some focus. To realize that there ARE options. Sometimes I

> feel like I get stuck in a mindset of hopelessness, and this poem

> helped me " see " where I want to be someday. Strange how much it

> impacted me. Thank-you for posting it.

>

> dawnz

>

September 17, 2008

Latoya,

Thank-you. Wow, you've given me quite a bit to think about. My food

sneaking started in my Sophmore year of high school. We had just

moved. My home life was always chaotic, but before that year I had

good friends I could lean on. We moved at what was probably the worst

time for me emotionally. My mom was verbally abusive and always

threatened to leave. My part was to be the peacemaker and make sure

she stayed. Too much with the move. That year I began sneaking food,

then turned anorexic, then started the pattern that I still continue

today. I think I rebel a lot through food. And use it to cope. None of

it good.

Your story really touched me. If you can do it, I can too.

dawnz

> > Today I'm sitting here feeling like the mom of this rebellious

> little kid who just got caught. The pleasure of the rebellion is just

> not there today. Instead I just feel sad. The " fun " of the binge is

> over. I need to end this relationship and I just feel sad and lost.

> I'm not sure what to do with all these feelings. I think for me that's

> the hardest part. The ride was fun, but now I've crashed. Truthfully?

> I'm scared. I'm scared that my feelings will be too big for me to

> handle and that I won't be able to deal with them without food.

> > And yet I just can't keep using food.

>

September 17, 2008

I think I"m at chapter 3. I'm too aware of my "hole in the street" to be at chapter 2!

From: springfrog17 <christy.gualtieri@ gmail.com>Subject: [intuitiveEating_ Support] Where are you in the "autobiography? "To: IntuitiveEating_ Support@yahoogro ups.comDate: Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 11:50 PM

"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" by Portia :Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I fall in. I am lost---I am helpless. It isn't my fault.It takes forever to find a way out.Chapter 2: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can'tbelieve I am in the same place, but it isn't my fault. It still takesa long time to get out.Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in . . . . it's a habit. Myeyes open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in thesidewalk. I walk around it.Chapter 5: I walk down another street.***If I were to relate this to my IE journey, I'd say right now that I'mon Chapter 3. I honor my hunger,

but I have a hard timedistinguishing between "stomach hunger" and "taste hunger." I stilldon't feel comfortable in my body, but there's no way I'm going backto dieting! Where do you think you are here?

September 17, 2008

Dawnz,

Yes, you can.

It takes time to shift out of old patterns and into new ones. My

vision when I started this process was to be more skillful...to have a

variety of ways of responding to my needs...not simply going to my

default pattern of eating...which is so easy and usually effective.

Eating as a coping mechanism may always be an option for me. What I

think is pretty fabulous is that I'm more consciously eating as a

coping mechanism now. So, I can eat a small saucer of doritos and

savor each one as my body gets calmer instead of eating mindlessly

from the bag.

Latoya

> If you can do it, I can too.

> dawnz

September 18, 2008

" Eating as a coping mechanism may always be an option for me. "

Never in my life have I heard someone say this and normalize it. You

have no idea how that helped me through my day. Seriously. I'm not

bad. I'm not stupid. I am learning to cope the best I can.

Thank-you Latoya.

dawn

September 19, 2008

Dawnz,

Getting more clear about consciously using food was made more obvious

to me when I was watching the Ghost Whisperer show on CBS some weeks

ago. In one of the scenes, the main character, Melinda played by

Love Hewitt, was home with her husband. The couple was

standing in the kitchen and talking about how stressed out she was

because of something she was working on with a ghost. At the end of

their conversation, her husband handed her a pint of ice cream for

consolation. It's like her using ice cream was a normal part of her

eating process and they both recognized that she was using the " ice

cream " to help relieve some of the stress.

Even though this is a fictional character, I believe that the

difference between her use and mine...is that she probably tasted the

ice cream, got satisfied more quickly than I, and didn't end up going

through the whole pint. Using food is normal...everyone does it at

some point or other. I'm sick of using food, eating doesn't always

help me feel better (sometimes it makes me feel worse), and I know

that other more effective ways of dealing with myself are possible.

So, I really have worked on developing other options to help me shift

my emotions and it's ok if I still do use sometimes (hopefully with

awareness). It's been awesome to become more aware of my use and to be

able to engage in other activities besides eating when I'm uncomfortable.

L.

Seriously. I'm not

> bad. I'm not stupid. I am learning to cope the best I can.

> Thank-you Latoya.>

> dawn

September 21, 2008

For me it's like an altered chapter 3:

> Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the

> sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in . . . . it's a habit. My

> eyes open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter X: I walk down a slightly different street. A parallel road.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk as well. I see it there. I still

fall in . . . . I don't want to. I fight it. I struggle. The hole sucks

me in. I'm falling in again and feel completely helpless. I have no hope

of ever being able to win the fight. My eyes are open. I know where I

am. It is MY fault and it always WAS MY FAULT. I try to get out

immediately. I struggle to get up. I fall back. I try again to climb out

and stand up, feeling totally beaten. I wonder how long I will be able

to struggle out of the hole with no real feeling of hope that some day I

will walk around the hole.

Regards

s.

September 21, 2008

oh, this is so sad and so relate-able...I am constantly going through the struggle and feeling as if I am getting nowhere...then another day begins and I start over.