My Story

[Guest guest]

I started dieting when I was 10 years old. (It breaks my heart to

think that this is not unusual these days!) I was very concerned

about the size of my thighs. I don't know where I got this idea, but

I thought that I should be able to stand with my feet together

without my thighs touching. So I devised my own diet: 300 calories,

3 times per day. Just planning my diet was thrilling. I remember

being by myself in the kitchen, examining the calorie counts on

various food labels and figuring out what foods I could eat for

breakfast, lunch, dinner. I pictured my self at my swim meets,

standing in my swimming suit, the breeze blowing through the space

between my now-slim thighs. And then came the let down: I didn't

even make it one day. By the time dinner rolled around, I ate

everything in sight. I figured that I just hadn't tried hard enough,

that I just needed more will power. It never occurred to me that 900

calories is not enough for a growing and athletic pre-teen. Or that

I really didn't need to loose any weight. (I look at pictures of

myself at this age and it blows my mind to think that I thought my

thighs were too big. I was muscular and lean and very healthy

looking.)

I went on to plan another diet, feel deprived, overeat, beat myself

up, plan another diet, and on and on and on. As I got older, the

overeating turned into full-on bingeing, dieting turned into

obsession, and I began to associate hunger with panic and eating

anything that was " not on my diet " with being " bad. "

This continued through high school, college and well into my 20s. I

hid it well - no one really knew the extent of my obsession. My

weight fluctuated, but I was never really overweight and I was never

underweight either. I rarely told anyone when I was going on a new

diet. I hid my binges. I tried every program, bought every book. I

exercised voraciously. I went to a dietician. I tried to take up

smoking. (Thankfully this only lasted a couple of months due to the

fact that it was way too difficult to exercise when I was hacking up

a lung.) I took diet pills - over the counter and prescription,

including phen-phen, which I purchased when I was studying abroad in

Mexico. I took laxatives. I tried to make myself vomit but could

never quite get it. I was full of shame and despair. My self-esteem

was shot. I couldn't even do an eating disorder right! I was lonely

and depressed. I had isolated myself with my secret diets and

binges. I didn't have any direction - I always thought that as soon

as I lost the weight, I would get on with my life.

For me, the seeds of the Intuitive Eating philosophy were planted

years before I was ready to embrace it. One summer, when I was a

teenager, I came across one of Geneen Roth's books (I think that it

was Feeding the Hungry Heart) at the book store while I was looking

for yet another diet book. I bought the book, went home and devoured

it in one sitting. It was such a relief to realize that I was not

alone. And I was intrigued by the idea that dieting might not be the

answer. However, these ideas could not lure me away from what had

become an all-consuming obsession.

Several years and countless dieting disappointments later, I read a

book called " Fed Up! " by Oliver-Pyatt. I was 26 years old, and

after 16 years of dieting, I was ready to consider the possibility

that dieting may not be the answer - maybe it was actually the

problem! The book spoke to my soul. I began to eat intuitively and

found it to be incredibly liberating. I read more books on the non-

dieting approach, including Intuitive Eating. I realized that when

you legalize a food, it looses its power over you. (My big thing was

Cinnabons. I used to fantasize about them but once they were legal,

I had no desire for them.) It took some practice, but I learned to

listen to my body's signals. Our bodies are amazing! We are the

ones who make it complicated! Intuitive eating helped me to become

more fit and healthy than I'd been in years, but most importantly, I

finally found some peace.

Of course it wasn't totally easy. Dieting and bingeing were coping

mechanisms that I used for years, and that is hard to let go of.

When I broke up with a boyfriend a couple of years ago, I thought the

antidote for my heartache was to go on a diet and loose 10 pounds.

Of course I ended up back where I was for so many years - in the self

perpetuating cycle of deprivation and bingeing. I am still sorting

through the aftermath of this latest dieting fiasco. And I am still

working on principal #7, with the help of an excellent therapist who

embraces IE. It feels so good come back to IE - and to have found

this community.

If you are new to IE - I just want to tell you that it works! Be

kind to yourself, have patience, and reach out for support.

Peace,

Tasha, IEing since 2003

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing your story Tasha. It really touched me deeply. I am grateful for your willingness to share this with us.

Dawn

My Story

I started dieting when I was 10 years old. (It breaks my heart to think that this is not unusual these days!) I was very concerned about the size of my thighs. I don't know where I got this idea, but I thought that I should be able to stand with my feet together without my thighs touching. So I devised my own diet: 300 calories, 3 times per day. Just planning my diet was thrilling. I remember being by myself in the kitchen, examining the calorie counts on various food labels and figuring out what foods I could eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner. I pictured my self at my swim meets, standing in my swimming suit, the breeze blowing through the space between my now-slim thighs. And then came the let down: I didn't even make it one day. By the time dinner rolled around, I ate everything in sight. I figured that I just hadn't tried hard enough, that I just needed more will power. It never occurred to me

that 900 calories is not enough for a growing and athletic pre-teen. Or that I really didn't need to loose any weight. (I look at pictures of myself at this age and it blows my mind to think that I thought my thighs were too big. I was muscular and lean and very healthy looking.)***SNIP***

..

[Guest guest]

You might want to check out " How much does your soul weigh? " as this is

also a spiritual intuitive eating book.

>

> Thank you everyone for the encouragement!! I am so thankful that I

> discovered this group. I am going to request the " Thin Within " book

> from my library, so it should be here in about a week. I

rented " Love

> Yourself Thin " today, but I think I will return it. It seems pretty

> diet-y, talking about eating vegetarian and low-fat. Has anyone else

> read it?

>

[Guest guest]

I just got " How Much Does Your Soul Weigh " today, in the mail. No

one has it in stock. I went to a used/rare book store to find it.

They located it for me in another state. I ordered it over the phone

and got it today. It loks really good, but have not read a word of

it yet.

If you want to find it, you will need this information----the author

is Dori McCubbery. The publisher is Harper- and it was

published in 2002.

I am collecting these books about not dieting. I love them. They all

say almost the same thing in a slightly different way. I think I

just need to hear this over and over and over again, in as many

voices as possible.

> >

> > Thank you everyone for the encouragement!! I am so thankful that

I

> > discovered this group. I am going to request the " Thin Within "

book

> > from my library, so it should be here in about a week. I

> rented " Love

> > Yourself Thin " today, but I think I will return it. It seems

pretty

> > diet-y, talking about eating vegetarian and low-fat. Has anyone

else

> > read it?

> >

>