Re:Anxiety, depression and the fear of change

[Guest guest]

Styxia,

I can tell that you are in a lot of pain. If only you could give yourself permission to fail those exams. Perhaps passing those exams is not going to take you where you want to be at this moment in your life. When life deals you too much all at once (even when you chose it) sometimes its ok to step back and say "whoa, slow down, I am not ready for this moment." You can chose to let something go and take it back up in more comfortable bits when you are ready on the inside to deal with the self expectation that you have decided will be the results of passing.

You might find it good to just talk to a councilor or get some antidepressants while you make sure you are taking your life the direction you want it to go. You deserve to be able to enjoy moments and savor them. It almost sounds / feels as though you have been swept away by a tide. Don't be afraid to slow it down and take it in very small bites (education and life). Just because you want it does not mean you want it right NOW.

How great that you were at least able to get some of it out on screen. These emotions bottled up with no outlet are so painful and damaging. Honor your instincts. Listen to what you want for yourself. Something in you if talking very loud and wants to be heard.

I know I am a stranger among you all but I have been reading for about a month now. I hope it is not too presumptive of me to just jump in. I have a lot of practicing to do on the EI way of life but I am sure that with time I will get it right.

Melinda

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[Guest guest]

wrote:

> I can tell that you are in a lot of pain.? If only you could give yourself

> permission to fail those exams.? Perhaps passing those exams is not going

> to take you where you want to be at this moment in your life.? When life

> deals you too much all at once (even when you chose it) sometimes its ok

> to step back and say " whoa, slow down,? I am not ready for this moment. " ?

It's interesting that you're writing this. I thought about this myself.

The truth is: I don't want to get a job right now (well, not a full-time

job, I couldn't stand to sit only at home for a longer time as well). I

told myself " Well, you don't have to get a job the month after you

passed this exam. You can write your dissertation first. You also don't

have to work with patients if you're fed up with them at some point.

There are other possibilities for a physician these days. "

I hope recognizing my mixed feelings will prevent self-sabotage, though

I don't know of course. All I can do is trying to convince myself that I

deserve a rest after this and that it is ok not to start working right

away and that a passed exam doesn't mean that people will require

" perfection " after that. A lot of my colleagues take a time out of about

three months or so or even longer.

> You can chose to let something go and take it back up in more comfortable

> bits when you are ready on the inside to deal with the self expectation

> that you have decided will be the results of passing.

I'm not sure what you're meaning here. I hope I understood but I'm not

sure. Did you mean that passing the exam will automatically mean that

I'm expected to get a job ASAP?

I also have to take into consideration what it means NOT to pass. This

seems to be way scarier than passing. So maybe there is hope that there

won't be self-sabotage. I think I would have postponed for a semester if

I thought it would do any good, but it would only mean postponing and

feeling worse in the end. I postponed my first big exam and regretted it

(like other colleagues who postponed the first time).

> It almost sounds / feels as though you have been swept away by a

> tide.? Don't be afraid to slow it down and take it in very small bites

> (education and life).?

Yes, things feel like moving fast and when being able to plow over the

fears it feels so damn GOOD! I liked that rush of fast movement when I

managed to get my internship in the very last minute.

> Just because you want it does not mean you want it

> right NOW.

I postponed enough things in life. It's enough for ten more lives. I

don't want to postpone things anymore.

> How great that you were at least able to get some of it out on screen.?

> These emotions bottled up with no outlet are so painful and damaging.

> Honor your instincts.? Listen to what you want for yourself.? Something in

> you if talking very loud and wants to be heard.

I want the pain to stop. The racing thoughts. I want impossible things.

I want a vacation from myself.

> I know I am a stranger among you all but I have been reading for about a

> month now.? I hope it is not too presumptive of me to just jump in. I have

> a lot of practicing to do on the EI way of life but I am sure that with

> time I will get it right.

I liked your post. :-)

Regards

s.