Anxiety, depression and the fear of change

[Guest guest]

Hi group,

this is going to be confused. I talked (well tried to) about this with

my husband and it was difficult enough to try to bring across my point

in my native language. I don't think he fully understood what I was

talking about. I don't know if I will be able to bring across my point.

I feel completely depressed, the lack of energy is almost unbearable,

I'm obsessed, compulsive and fear seems to be a constant companion at

the moment.

I wonder if this is still " the normal stuff " or if it is something worth

treating with meds. Maybe that I'm asking myself this question is enough

of an answer, but I'm unsure if I should go after change before my exam.

After all it's only three more weeks and I got my way through three

months so far.

It definitely doesn't make any sense to beat myself up because of the

fact that I didn't ask for antidepressants earlier so I would have been

able to study more effective. WHat I did though was going back to my

ADHD medication so I was able to study more effectively. So it's not

like I would have put my head into the sand completely. Or at least it

doesn't seem to be this way.

Howver, during the last days it almost seemed impossible to get a

thought together. I know what I " should " study but everything is so

oberwhelming right now and it's impossible to go through every important

subject within three weeks. It's really impossible. So I don't know what

to repeat and what not. There will always be stuff I won't know or don't

have a clue about. Me being completely stuck started about 10-12 days

ago when I finally managed to get through the last four exams and

noticed that I would have passed them quite ok. After that I fell into a

big, deep hole. I study some, I work through some questions I answered

wrong, answering quite a few of them now correctly compared to about two

months ago.

I know that my mood is very low. It has been since X-mas. However, I

thought " this is not depression, this is called grief; you have to give

it time " .

I also know I'm postponing a lot right now. " After the exam " is the key

phrase here. I'm not sure if this is right or wrong but I simply don't

have (or had during the last three months) the nerve to look for

counselling, sit around a waiting room for three hours at some doctor or

make appointments or " talk about it all " for the umpteenth time. Even

now that I'm writing this I think " this is going to cost you at least

half an hour and more - go back to your books " . My brain feels

completely fogged.

I have some distractions, of course. Walking the dog, maybe going to the

cinema (as we did last Sunday), having sex, watching a movie... but it

after the distraction ends it doesn't take five minutes and I feel like

I'm sucked back into the whole mess. It's especially bad since last

Friday. I was drunk at half passt four in the afternoon that day.

I can honestly say that I feel like sh*t and that I have the impression

that nothing will improve in the future. I feel completely hopeless.

Some things can't be changed. Some things can never be the same again.

There are some weird thoughts spinning through my head right now.

Do I love to suffer because I think I deserve it or that I should suffer

because it's " the right way to do " ? Does ending the suffering mean that

I don't care about someone anymore? This doesn't make any sense but it

seems to be that this is a question to ask.

I feel like hopping between unbearables. If the anxiety because of my

exam becomes unbearable, I switch to grief. If grief because unbearable

again, I do the switch again. If all that seems to become unbearable

once again, I switch to numbing depression etc.

I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this is confusing.

So " the point of this all " is: I'm afraid of change at the moment since

I fear that a change will make things worse in the short run which might

decrease my chances of passing my exam. Of course I could be wrong and

everything could turn out better, I might even be able to increase my

chances of passing. However, at the moment I would have been able to

pass every one of the old exams from spring 2008 back to spring 1999. It

might be a difficult time right now and I'm feeling like sh*t but at

least my chances to pass my exam don't seem too bad.

Did I make any sense at all? I really hope I'll get some feedback. I

feel quite desperate today.

Regards

s.