Re: To parents feeling guilty

[Guest guest]

Hi Psycho:  That was a very beautiful letter about your Mother.  You are also a

beautiful daughter, and I was so happy to read how close you were to each

other.  You were both truly blessed.

 

Hugs,

 

Barbara

From: psycho4chitown <psycho4chitown@...>

Subject: [ ] To parents feeling guilty

Date: Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 12:32 AM

 

Hi friends,

i can't remember who I was trying to respond to but I wanted to encourage you.

I had a mom who had RA adn i was diagnosed when I was 22. i have lived with it

now for 26 yrs.

Anyway-my mom was severely crippled, deformed, handicapped. She was diagnosed

when I was 6 and by age 8 she began teaching me how to do all the household

chores so I could take over. Within that year I started doing it all. There some

meals she could make, and she could fold laundry, and love her children.

Cleaning was out. Her hands were very gnarly, her feet painful(an dI am sure

uncomfortable in those Dr scholl shoes). I dressed her, combed her hair, lifted

her out of chairs by the time I was 16. She had knees replaced and hips. She

gardened for as long as she could. She attended church and bible studies and was

a friend to many. She was an encourager. Her friends never heard her complain.

Us kids certainly didn't. Mom went to basketball and football games with my dad

as long as she could. But, steps became impossible.

My mom said her RA was a blessing because it made her stronger in her faith.

Did i want a healthy, " normal " mother like the rest of the kids had? Did i wish

she could attend my sports events? Did I wish I didn't have to take care of her

and watch her slowly melt away? YES!!!!!! 100 times yes. But, because of her

condition and my caring for her we were close. I would NEVER take back those

years of caring and assisting her. I know she did the best she could given her

health. I miss her terribly.

She had what was supposed to be the best care then-Mayo CLinic in MN. She had

her last surgery and 3 months of her life there. She came home Memorial Day 1978

with a clean bill of health. By June 13 she died. Her dr from Mayo called to see

how she was doing and he was stunned to learn of her death. It was unforeseen.

I miss my mom every day. But, because I saw her example of dealing the best with

her disease and raising us 5 kids i will forever have the utmost respect for

her. I am grateful that after all these years I still am not in the condition

she was in.

PLEASE, PLEASE don't guilt yourself for your disease and how it impacts your

kids. You never know how strong it will make them as adults. You will never know

how much they truly love you and wish for 1000 reasons that you weren't sick.

But, if it came to having you with this disease or not having you at all-they

would take the disease.

Because i was diagnosed early I chose not to marry or have a family. But, that

was my decision. I didn't want children to endure what I had to. But, all these

years later i wish I had made a different decision.

psycho4chitown

[Guest guest]

thanks for that beautiful reminder. My mom had RA also, and I was diagnosed

when my youngest (now 22) was tiny. I do feel guilty sometimes about her life

being so different than the older five kids. They remember a mom that ran,

played softball, went dancing, " rassled " in the yard with them....and she

remembers a very different mom. But I do think she is a stronger person, with

more compassion, than a lot of young folks her age.

Your mom sounds like she was a fabulous person. I know mine was. And you sound

like you were a wonderful daughter who grew up to be a wonderful woman. God

bless you.

Jane

>

> Hi friends,

> i can't remember who I was trying to respond to but I wanted to encourage

you.

> I had a mom who had RA adn i was diagnosed when I was 22. i have lived with

it now for 26 yrs.

> Anyway-my mom was severely crippled, deformed, handicapped. She was

diagnosed when I was 6 and by age 8 she began teaching me how to do all the

household chores so I could take over. Within that year I started doing it all.

There some meals she could make, and she could fold laundry, and love her

children. Cleaning was out. Her hands were very gnarly, her feet painful(an dI

am sure uncomfortable in those Dr scholl shoes). I dressed her, combed her hair,

lifted her out of chairs by the time I was 16. She had knees replaced and hips.

She gardened for as long as she could. She attended church and bible studies and

was a friend to many. She was an encourager. Her friends never heard her

complain. Us kids certainly didn't. Mom went to basketball and football games

with my dad as long as she could. But, steps became impossible.

> My mom said her RA was a blessing because it made her stronger in her faith.

> Did i want a healthy, " normal " mother like the rest of the kids had? Did i

wish she could attend my sports events? Did I wish I didn't have to take care of

her and watch her slowly melt away? YES!!!!!! 100 times yes. But, because of her

condition and my caring for her we were close. I would NEVER take back those

years of caring and assisting her. I know she did the best she could given her

health. I miss her terribly.

> She had what was supposed to be the best care then-Mayo CLinic in MN. She

had her last surgery and 3 months of her life there. She came home Memorial Day

1978 with a clean bill of health. By June 13 she died. Her dr from Mayo called

to see how she was doing and he was stunned to learn of her death. It was

unforeseen.

> I miss my mom every day. But, because I saw her example of dealing the

best with her disease and raising us 5 kids i will forever have the utmost

respect for her. I am grateful that after all these years I still am not in the

condition she was in.

> PLEASE, PLEASE don't guilt yourself for your disease and how it impacts

your kids. You never know how strong it will make them as adults. You will never

know how much they truly love you and wish for 1000 reasons that you weren't

sick. But, if it came to having you with this disease or not having you at

all-they would take the disease.

> Because i was diagnosed early I chose not to marry or have a family. But,

that was my decision. I didn't want children to endure what I had to. But, all

these years later i wish I had made a different decision.

> psycho4chitown

>

[Guest guest]

Hi. I am the one with MRH and i really would like to thank you for this letter.

I have a 6 1/2 year old daughter and one of my biggest fears is that i am

ruining her childhood. i was diagnosed when she was three so me being like this

is all she knows.

 

it breaks my heart sometimes when I need help from my husband getting up out of

bed and she comes rushing over to help. i feel like she will resent later on so

i try to do as much ,as i can with her like watching movies, playing dress up

games on the computer, etc. i convince myself i'm teaching her independence when

i have take her showers on her own , and dress herself. somethings i do refuse

to give up like doing her hair and putting lotion on her. somethings are worth

the pain.

 

I was diagnosed after she was born so we never had a chance to have another

child. The medications i had to take wrecked my body too much so this is another

burden i carry for my daughter  as well as my husband. my husband was born to be

a father as he dotes on my daughter. so everything has and will fall on my

daughter. i carry this guilt as well.

 

Your letter lift a little of the burden and I took great comfort in it so thank

you.

regena

From: psycho4chitown <psycho4chitown@...>

Subject: [ ] To parents feeling guilty

Date: Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 12:32 AM

 

Hi friends,

i can't remember who I was trying to respond to but I wanted to encourage you.

I had a mom who had RA adn i was diagnosed when I was 22. i have lived with it

now for 26 yrs.

Anyway-my mom was severely crippled, deformed, handicapped. She was diagnosed

when I was 6 and by age 8 she began teaching me how to do all the household

chores so I could take over. Within that year I started doing it all. There some

meals she could make, and she could fold laundry, and love her children.

Cleaning was out. Her hands were very gnarly, her feet painful(an dI am sure

uncomfortable in those Dr scholl shoes). I dressed her, combed her hair, lifted

her out of chairs by the time I was 16. She had knees replaced and hips. She

gardened for as long as she could. She attended church and bible studies and was

a friend to many. She was an encourager. Her friends never heard her complain.

Us kids certainly didn't. Mom went to basketball and football games with my dad

as long as she could. But, steps became impossible.

My mom said her RA was a blessing because it made her stronger in her faith.

Did i want a healthy, " normal " mother like the rest of the kids had? Did i wish

she could attend my sports events? Did I wish I didn't have to take care of her

and watch her slowly melt away? YES!!!!!! 100 times yes. But, because of her

condition and my caring for her we were close. I would NEVER take back those

years of caring and assisting her. I know she did the best she could given her

health. I miss her terribly.

She had what was supposed to be the best care then-Mayo CLinic in MN. She had

her last surgery and 3 months of her life there. She came home Memorial Day 1978

with a clean bill of health. By June 13 she died. Her dr from Mayo called to see

how she was doing and he was stunned to learn of her death. It was unforeseen.

I miss my mom every day. But, because I saw her example of dealing the best with

her disease and raising us 5 kids i will forever have the utmost respect for

her. I am grateful that after all these years I still am not in the condition

she was in.

PLEASE, PLEASE don't guilt yourself for your disease and how it impacts your

kids. You never know how strong it will make them as adults. You will never know

how much they truly love you and wish for 1000 reasons that you weren't sick.

But, if it came to having you with this disease or not having you at all-they

would take the disease.

Because i was diagnosed early I chose not to marry or have a family. But, that

was my decision. I didn't want children to endure what I had to. But, all these

years later i wish I had made a different decision.

psycho4chitown

[Guest guest]

This is an absolutely lovely story. How blessed you are to have those memories.

Strength of character is built by adversity. It is sad you had so much

adversity, but I bet you are one of the most giving and caring people around. I

had different challenges (alcoholism and mental illness) growing up, but I have

refused to let it make me bitter. Instead, I decided I liked who I was and my

experiences made me who I was, therefore, it was okay.

Regina

>

> Hi friends,

> i can't remember who I was trying to respond to but I wanted to encourage

you.

> I had a mom who had RA adn i was diagnosed when I was 22. i have lived with

it now for 26 yrs.

> Anyway-my mom was severely crippled, deformed, handicapped. She was

diagnosed when I was 6 and by age 8 she began teaching me how to do all the

household chores so I could take over. Within that year I started doing it all.

There some meals she could make, and she could fold laundry, and love her

children. Cleaning was out. Her hands were very gnarly, her feet painful(an dI

am sure uncomfortable in those Dr scholl shoes). I dressed her, combed her hair,

lifted her out of chairs by the time I was 16. She had knees replaced and hips.

She gardened for as long as she could. She attended church and bible studies and

was a friend to many. She was an encourager. Her friends never heard her

complain. Us kids certainly didn't. Mom went to basketball and football games

with my dad as long as she could. But, steps became impossible.

> My mom said her RA was a blessing because it made her stronger in her faith.

> Did i want a healthy, " normal " mother like the rest of the kids had? Did i

wish she could attend my sports events? Did I wish I didn't have to take care of

her and watch her slowly melt away? YES!!!!!! 100 times yes. But, because of her

condition and my caring for her we were close. I would NEVER take back those

years of caring and assisting her. I know she did the best she could given her

health. I miss her terribly.

> She had what was supposed to be the best care then-Mayo CLinic in MN. She

had her last surgery and 3 months of her life there. She came home Memorial Day

1978 with a clean bill of health. By June 13 she died. Her dr from Mayo called

to see how she was doing and he was stunned to learn of her death. It was

unforeseen.

> I miss my mom every day. But, because I saw her example of dealing the

best with her disease and raising us 5 kids i will forever have the utmost

respect for her. I am grateful that after all these years I still am not in the

condition she was in.

> PLEASE, PLEASE don't guilt yourself for your disease and how it impacts

your kids. You never know how strong it will make them as adults. You will never

know how much they truly love you and wish for 1000 reasons that you weren't

sick. But, if it came to having you with this disease or not having you at

all-they would take the disease.

> Because i was diagnosed early I chose not to marry or have a family. But,

that was my decision. I didn't want children to endure what I had to. But, all

these years later i wish I had made a different decision.

> psycho4chitown

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your post. I am tears reading it - it is such a

reflection into my own fears regarding how my three children (ages 3-12) are

feeling about me having RA. I try so hard to shield them, but they see... they

see the heating pads, the flinches of pain when trying to make dinner, fold

laundry, garden. They see the tiredness in my eyes at the park & unfortunately,

occasionally they see the tears. My daughter recently had to draw pictures of

all her family members for a school project. Everyone was involved in fun

activities - she drew me in bed. I was devastated - I thought I was really doing

a good job of staying strong & keeping it all together. Kids are more perceptive

then we think. Your story has really touched me & given me a hopeful perspective

into their thoughts. They are strong wonderful children also & I am thankful

everyday for them.

>

> Hi friends,

> i can't remember who I was trying to respond to but I wanted to encourage

you.

> I had a mom who had RA adn i was diagnosed when I was 22. i have lived with

it now for 26 yrs.

> Anyway-my mom was severely crippled, deformed, handicapped. She was

diagnosed when I was 6 and by age 8 she began teaching me how to do all the

household chores so I could take over. Within that year I started doing it all.

There some meals she could make, and she could fold laundry, and love her

children. Cleaning was out. Her hands were very gnarly, her feet painful(an dI

am sure uncomfortable in those Dr scholl shoes). I dressed her, combed her hair,

lifted her out of chairs by the time I was 16. She had knees replaced and hips.

She gardened for as long as she could. She attended church and bible studies and

was a friend to many. She was an encourager. Her friends never heard her

complain. Us kids certainly didn't. Mom went to basketball and football games

with my dad as long as she could. But, steps became impossible.

> My mom said her RA was a blessing because it made her stronger in her faith.

> Did i want a healthy, " normal " mother like the rest of the kids had? Did i

wish she could attend my sports events? Did I wish I didn't have to take care of

her and watch her slowly melt away? YES!!!!!! 100 times yes. But, because of her

condition and my caring for her we were close. I would NEVER take back those

years of caring and assisting her. I know she did the best she could given her

health. I miss her terribly.

> She had what was supposed to be the best care then-Mayo CLinic in MN. She

had her last surgery and 3 months of her life there. She came home Memorial Day

1978 with a clean bill of health. By June 13 she died. Her dr from Mayo called

to see how she was doing and he was stunned to learn of her death. It was

unforeseen.

> I miss my mom every day. But, because I saw her example of dealing the

best with her disease and raising us 5 kids i will forever have the utmost

respect for her. I am grateful that after all these years I still am not in the

condition she was in.

> PLEASE, PLEASE don't guilt yourself for your disease and how it impacts

your kids. You never know how strong it will make them as adults. You will never

know how much they truly love you and wish for 1000 reasons that you weren't

sick. But, if it came to having you with this disease or not having you at

all-they would take the disease.

> Because i was diagnosed early I chose not to marry or have a family. But,

that was my decision. I didn't want children to endure what I had to. But, all

these years later i wish I had made a different decision.

> psycho4chitown

>