Husbands

[Guest guest]

<< He is the BEST dad ever created! He is a natural and just loves the kids!!

If we go to a gathering where there are kids, Tony is always in the middle

of them playing! Some people just never grow up - thank goodness! >>

LOL....Carolyn he sounds just like my dh Noel

He is such a kid magnet!! They all love him to pieces!!

I think he was over welmed when we had the in utero ultrasound & the Dr

thought she had the major defect & would need surgery.....( Which she fooled

everyone & only had a pinhole that's gone!! )

He just see's her as his baby girl....or as he calls her " daddy's red headed

angel " He helps with all the kids & is wonderful....

As far as the technical stuff or research he depends on me to let him know

what's what in english terms....lol

As for Daddy's girls boy does he have all 4 of them wrapped around his little

finger!! I told him sorry Mason WILL be a Mommy's boy....lol

He is truly a GREAT DAD & Im thankful for that!!

Amber : )

[Guest guest]

Hey all

Just want to rave about Tony! He is the BEST dad ever created! He is a

natural and just loves the kids!! Emma is a daddy's girl and she will do

things for Tony, that she won't do for me......like behave herself! Tony

was the one that took responibility for all Nicki's doctors visits in her

first year since he saw that I was burnt out!

Tony is still sad that the girls have Ds but he is coming to terms with it

and says he doesn't notice it anymore - he just accepts Emma and Nicki for

the cuties that they are. He is great on the playground - Tony doesn't care

about the stares or the whispers behind the hands...in fact he tells me that

he enjoys the attention! Go figure!

If we go to a gathering where there are kids, Tony is always in the middle

of them playing! Some people just never grow up - thank goodness!

Anyway, I should really tell him more often that I think he's great but with

the ridiculously hectic lifestyle we lead, we forget to take time for

ourselves and don't make the effort to get some quality time together! I

feel a candlelight dinner coming on! Hee hee.

Any plans for Mother's day??

Carolyn

Mum to on, , Emma (Ds) 4 and Nicki (Ds) 3

Re: support group

> WONDERFUL news about you finding a support group!

> Regarding husbands...

> Mine had a hard 2 weeks once we found out(before they were born).I'm sure

we all have our roller coaster (up & downs)of feelings about our situations

and our differently abled children,but has been my greatest support!

> He wanted to stay home with twins after I went back to work instead of

having them go to day care.

> I work days and he works nights.

> ~

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

> You have a voice mail message waiting for you at iHello.com:

> 1/3555/1/_/598201/_/957382217/

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> http://DSyndrome.com/Multiples

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/24/01 11:46:30 AM Eastern Standard Time,

doug.smith@... writes:

<< I have 5 great kids all under the age of 8. all boys. My son bailey ds

and nowtesting for asd which i am sure of and have been since the age of

3, anyway, my dellima is that my husband means well with bailey but

thinks all he needs is to be treated like the other boys when it comes

to behavior problems, this really frustrates me!!!! then hes like whats

wrong with him he just isn't getting it. and i have to tell my husband

that he is the one that isn't getting it. i need some support. >>

That's hard. I think you have to sit down with your husband and talk about

this. Ask him to read up on DS/ASD. He needs to understand your son's

condition. Reassure him that it's not that you don't want to discipline your

son; just that it needs to be done differently. Try to come up with a

valid plan for appropriate discipline that will have some positive effects

that your hubby can see. Talk to him about how our kids need positive

reinforcement. Explain to him that one of the biggest challenges for kids

with autism is their inability to interpret the human emotion, which includes

anger. Maddie (7, DS and ASD) simply can't understand when we are angry or

upset. We've only JUST gotten her to the point where she is smiling back at

us, therefore understanding happy expressions.

I'm a firm believer that not all kids should be treated the same...DS, ASD,

autism, or NDA. I have 5 and what works for one can have absolutely no

effect on another. My middle son (n, 15) is in the process of being

tested for ADHD. We treat him totally different than the other 4. You

have to do what works for the child. Of course, I'm also a firm believer in

positive reinforcement for ALL kids as well!!!

Good Luck!!!

Donna

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/24/01 11:46:09 AM Eastern Standard Time,

doug.smith@... writes:

<< I have 5 great kids all under the age of 8. all boys. My son bailey ds

and nowtesting for asd which i am sure of and have been since the age of

3, anyway, my dellima is that my husband means well with bailey but

thinks all he needs is to be treated like the other boys when it comes

to behavior problems, this really frustrates me!!!! then hes like whats

wrong with him he just isn't getting it. and i have to tell my husband

that he is the one that isn't getting it. i need some support.

>>

It is tough when you're doing this on your own, but even tougher when you

EXPECT support from a mate, and don't get it. My husband hasn't got a clue

about how to handle Seth, because he never has to. He is good with Seth, but

doesn't know anything about raising him. Partly his fault for not wanting to

learn, partly my fault for always doing everything myself, and partly because

he is working second shift and not here much when Seth is home. I must say,

the older Seth gets, the harder it is to take him every place I go with the

girls. Sounds like you really are desperate. Wish I had answers that would

help you. Are you the same person that asked about getting a diagnosis last

week?

Gail

[Guest guest]

I have 5 great kids all under the age of 8. all boys. My son bailey ds

and nowtesting for asd which i am sure of and have been since the age of

3, anyway, my dellima is that my husband means well with bailey but

thinks all he needs is to be treated like the other boys when it comes

to behavior problems, this really frustrates me!!!! then hes like whats

wrong with him he just isn't getting it. and i have to tell my husband

that he is the one that isn't getting it. i need some support.

[Guest guest]

It's tough when it takes one person longer to understand what a child needs

than the other. I don't have any great words of wisdom that will change

that inequality. It honestly feels like my husband has just begun to grasp

how much our son needs and how it impacts all of us. Part of this is

because his work schedule separated him from us for a number of years--he

worked graveyard and slept during the day while I handled the sleepless

nights and days. It was easy for ME to see that something was wrong because

I lived it 20 hours aday.

Sometimes it helps to share the IEP stuff or to share some of the reading

that you're doing. But in the end, he'll understand it when he's ready to

hear it--just like anyone. The best thing you can do is rather than

scolding your husband because *he's* not getting it, gently encourage him

by making suggestions of what might work better. He won't always do it, but

when the do something you've suggested and it works, a connection is made

between father and child that helps reinforce the father changing his

approach.

It took over a year for Rex to begin to see the value in using symbols for

transition swith our son. We still have a hard time getting him to let Andy

choose about the bathroom. Rex's obsession with MAKING Andy use the

bathroom made it harder on all of us to teach Andy. But I couldn't change

him. I am, however, very pleased to see him using the visual transition

schedules we've made and understanding how they work. I still use them

more...but he isn't me. I have to allow him to come to it at his own pace.

I just kept showing him HOW. Sometimes I would step in between the two of

them and " save " Andy. Once Andy was composed and a little time had passed,

I'd get out the visuals and communicate in the way I wished Rex had....and

we'd be successful. Modeling the expected behavior....without judgement.

(Rex beats himself up nicely all by himself....)

And sadly, sometimes one partner or another never makes the transition to

understanding....and is either out on their own emotionally, or the

marriage fails.

An intricate dance, this disability stuff and marriage.

sorry...I " m not much help.

[Guest guest]

I think one thing that helped my husband to " get " it

was that would listen to me a lot better than

him. When he got tired of fighting every single

thing he wanted him to do he started changing and

being more consistant. Another thing was that I had

gotten a job and had to spend a lot more time

alone with and through trail and error he

started to realize what works and what doesn't (which

seemed to change daily there for a while!).

Sometimes men just really don't have a clue. No

offense to any men out there! But their biggest

problem is that they are not mothers. They just don't

think like we do. Anyway, I hope it all works out.

Mom to 11

--- " Joan E. Guthrie Medlen " <jmedlen@...>

wrote:

> It's tough when it takes one person longer to

> understand what a child needs

> than the other. I don't have any great words of

> wisdom that will change

> that inequality. It honestly feels like my husband

> has just begun to grasp

> how much our son needs and how it impacts all of us.

> Part of this is

> because his work schedule separated him from us for

> a number of years--he

> worked graveyard and slept during the day while I

> handled the sleepless

> nights and days. It was easy for ME to see that

> something was wrong because

> I lived it 20 hours aday.

>

> Sometimes it helps to share the IEP stuff or to

> share some of the reading

> that you're doing. But in the end, he'll understand

> it when he's ready to

> hear it--just like anyone. The best thing you can do

> is rather than

> scolding your husband because *he's* not getting it,

> gently encourage him

> by making suggestions of what might work better. He

> won't always do it, but

> when the do something you've suggested and it works,

> a connection is made

> between father and child that helps reinforce the

> father changing his

> approach.

>

> It took over a year for Rex to begin to see the

> value in using symbols for

> transition swith our son. We still have a hard time

> getting him to let Andy

> choose about the bathroom. Rex's obsession with

> MAKING Andy use the

> bathroom made it harder on all of us to teach Andy.

> But I couldn't change

> him. I am, however, very pleased to see him using

> the visual transition

> schedules we've made and understanding how they

> work. I still use them

> more...but he isn't me. I have to allow him to come

> to it at his own pace.

> I just kept showing him HOW. Sometimes I would step

> in between the two of

> them and " save " Andy. Once Andy was composed and a

> little time had passed,

> I'd get out the visuals and communicate in the way I

> wished Rex had....and

> we'd be successful. Modeling the expected

> behavior....without judgement.

> (Rex beats himself up nicely all by himself....)

>

> And sadly, sometimes one partner or another never

> makes the transition to

> understanding....and is either out on their own

> emotionally, or the

> marriage fails.

>

> An intricate dance, this disability stuff and

> marriage.

>

> sorry...I " m not much help.

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

thank you michelle, and joan for your words of support. I think alot of

it is that he doesn't spend as much time with as i do. any of the

kids for that matter. someone has to pay the bills right? mother

to 5

[Guest guest]

thank you michelle, and joan for your words of support. I think alot of

it is that he doesn't spend as much time with as i do. any of the

kids for that matter. someone has to pay the bills right? mother

to 5

[Guest guest]

Add us to this list. I feel like I cannot leave Matt with my hubby. He

never is with him, totally responsible for him for any extended period of

time! Same story, different main characters.

S

On Wed, 24 Jan 2001 15:52:15 EST smilinggail@... writes:

> In a message dated 1/24/01 11:46:09 AM Eastern Standard Time,

> doug.smith@... writes:

>

> << I have 5 great kids all under the age of 8. all boys. My son

> bailey ds

> and nowtesting for asd which i am sure of and have been since the

> age of

> 3, anyway, my dellima is that my husband means well with bailey but

> thinks all he needs is to be treated like the other boys when it

> comes

> to behavior problems, this really frustrates me!!!! then hes like

> whats

> wrong with him he just isn't getting it. and i have to tell my

> husband

> that he is the one that isn't getting it. i need some support.

> >>

> It is tough when you're doing this on your own, but even tougher

> when you

> EXPECT support from a mate, and don't get it. My husband hasn't got

> a clue

> about how to handle Seth, because he never has to. He is good with

> Seth, but

> doesn't know anything about raising him. Partly his fault for not

> wanting to

> learn, partly my fault for always doing everything myself, and

> partly because

> he is working second shift and not here much when Seth is home. I

> must say,

> the older Seth gets, the harder it is to take him every place I go

> with the

> girls. Sounds like you really are desperate. Wish I had answers

> that would

> help you. Are you the same person that asked about getting a

> diagnosis last

> week?

> Gail

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/24/01 5:24:12 PM Eastern Standard Time,

jmedlen@... writes:

<< I have to chime in here...things went a LOT better after I stopped

expecting. I just " did what I had to do " and tried to be kind to Rex. In

the process, we made progress....and when he saw progress, it was easier to

learn.

I've been operating on the " I can't expect anything...I have to be able to

do this myself or it won't work " premise for about 7 years.

j

>>

LOL Joan!!!! I don't " expect " anymore either. Not after doing all 5 kids

myself. LOL I do still " wish " though. My dh retires in 18 months and then

he will HAVE to learn to take care of Seth. LOL If he's going to be under

foot 24 hours a day, he's going to put in his 50% here, and do it MY way, or

I will go get a job! Yeah, right! I talk a good story!!!! LOL

Gail-who is in the boat I'm in because I really don't TRUST anyone else with

Seth, the girls, putting away laundry, mowing the lawn, doing dishes, yada

yada yada!!!!!! LOL

[Guest guest]

At 03:52 PM 1/24/01 EST, you wrote:

>It is tough when you're doing this on your own, but even tougher when you

>EXPECT support from a mate, and don't get it.

I have to chime in here...things went a LOT better after I stopped

expecting. I just " did what I had to do " and tried to be kind to Rex. In

the process, we made progress....and when he saw progress, it was easier to

learn.

I've been operating on the " I can't expect anything...I have to be able to

do this myself or it won't work " premise for about 7 years.

j

[Guest guest]

Male coming in,

*I* think you are all sexists !! :-) It's the CAREGIVER, who

always notices things and knows how to treat the child and what works

with them. I know that in our case with Ignacio I was the first one

to notice his ASD, as I was/am the one with him the most, as his mother

in our case *(someone) has to pay the bills right?* as said quite

correctly !!! The main advantage that women have over men in this

aspect is their highly developed sense of intuition *honed* over many

years of practice since their childhood !!! :-):-)

[Guest guest]

Im here for you, ai know what you mean, my hubby and probably many others

just arnt as patient with kids, there have been many times he is in a bad a

situation with nathan having tantrums etc and hubbby just yelling at him

like thats going to help, hubby has gotten better over the years but its not

easy decilplining our kids, need to try and find something together, we

found nathan's behavioral management team able to help us greatly in this,

and made hubby attend some training too. shawna.

>From: Doug <doug.smith@...>

>Reply-egroups

>egroups

>Subject: Re:husbands

>Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001 11:28:52 -0500

>

>I have 5 great kids all under the age of 8. all boys. My son bailey ds

>and nowtesting for asd which i am sure of and have been since the age of

>3, anyway, my dellima is that my husband means well with bailey but

>thinks all he needs is to be treated like the other boys when it comes

>to behavior problems, this really frustrates me!!!! then hes like whats

>wrong with him he just isn't getting it. and i have to tell my husband

>that he is the one that isn't getting it. i need some support.

>

>

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/25/01 3:43:14 PM Eastern Standard Time,

burnett@... writes:

<< By the way, , I owe you an update on my anatomy - the grey hair is

plentiful & got taken care of at the hairdresser's today & the sagging parts

- well, they've been sagging for so long, I don't remember having any other

kind! >>

LOL Sure glad I missed this poll or post! LOL Ain't nobody getting an

" up " date on this body! LOL There is no " up " to this body anymore. LOL

It's all " down " now. LOL

Gail- ROTFLM?????????O

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean, my DH and me both worked FT

until recently i finally quit my lame job, and boy

have ive been busy, cleaning and cooking, and my house

is still a mess,lol, me and the boys even made

chocolate chip cookies yesterday after school since

wednesday's are free--no eve activities, my DH said I

was scarring him,lol, but he agrees I have a college

degree and wxperience etc, Ive worked nights and

weekends, and holidays for years now, and when i got

sick, which is rare, they had a cow and were insisting

i come in, so I put in my notice, and two weeks later

all done. The only jobs i will consider now is mon-fri

no weekends no holidays, earn sick days etc, even

checking out some at home stuff, and had one interview

so far but didnt get it, darn, it was a great job too,

but will keep trying. Everyone prya for us, we are

really broke $$$$ wise. shawna.

--- Gordon etc, so I put urnett <burnett@...>

wrote:

> Hi Joan, Donna, Gail, & Everyone,

> I've enjoyed all your thoughts on husbands. My

> dh is very supportive & spends a fair bit of time

> with our girls, but he tends to be the 1 who " has

> fun " with them more. He rough-houses & tickles

> them,etc. & really enjoys them (sometimes I'm

> jealous) & I'm the one who disciplines (dare I use

> that word) & challenges them & makes them do things

> right, etc. Of course I'm generalizing, but 1 day

> my 7 yr. old, said to me, " Mommy, why don't you

> ever laugh with us & have fun? " - it made me sad.

> Anyway, I really do try to have fun with them as

> much as I can. Last yr. when I was teaching

> full-time Kindergarten, my dh was " Mr. Mom " while

> holding down his own F.T. teaching job. I don't

> know how I ever thought I could manage F.T. teaching

> with all my responsibilities at home. I really

> admire women ( & men-sorry, ) who do it. And of

> course we all know that stay at home Moms ( & Dads)

> work too!!! Now I'm teaching Kindermusik P.T. & I

> love it! By the way, , I owe you an update on

> my anatomy - the grey hair is plentiful & got taken

> care of at the hairdresser's today & the sagging

> parts - well, they've been sagging for so long, I

> don't remember having any other kind! Thanks for

> creating the database & doing the survey - just when

> I was ready to do the survey, the deadline came.

> I'll try to do the next 1 if you have another. I

> don't care about the privacy thing.

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/25/01 9:26:00 PM Eastern Standard Time,

brink_00@... writes:

<< Yea it does take both parents to understand what a child needs are. My

parents were good about that with me, they both wanted to help me. They did

a pretty good job raising me and my brother. Yea both my parents wanted to

be involed with my public schooling, etc. They both were proud of me

whenever I tried and did my best. That's all that counted to them.

>>

,

What wonderful parents you have!

Gail

[Guest guest]

Yea it does take both parents to understand what a child needs are. My

parents were good about that with me, they both wanted to help me. They did

a pretty good job raising me and my brother. Yea both my parents wanted to

be involed with my public schooling, etc. They both were proud of me

whenever I tried and did my best. That's all that counted to them.

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Gail,

Thanks but I should have said that because that they did that for me first

then my brother is because my brother is a normal person, and I have a

hearing loss and a learning disibility. Thanks I wish that all parents were

as lucky as mine when it comes to a child with special needs.

>

>

>,

>What wonderful parents you have!

>Gail

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Someone may have harassed him about it and this was just how it came out.

One thing I do know though is that what ever the fight is about, usually is

not what the fight is about.

Look up Flesh Eating Bacteria. Ibuprofen feeds the stuff. One of

Israel's PCA's sons got the stuff from chicken pox or scabies that the doc

had treated with Advil. My 13yo recently got over a bout with it.

Pray. If he wants some CPS horror stories tell him to call me 931-589-8886.

Or go to www.cpswatch.com and get their toll free # and call them.

Just because you are paranoid don't mean they ain't out to get cha'! (lousy

attempt at humor)

And assure him, he is there to help you make decisions concerning the

children, after all they are his also.

Love and Blessings,

Ellen

The Misguided One

meharv84@...

I believe that what is right is not always popular and what is popular is

not always right.

Learn more about my people at

http://chicora-waccamaw.com/

[Guest guest]

This is my counselor hat

>Of course I

> wouldn't take them in there if I didn't think they needed to but I

would be

> there in a minute if they needed it.

My DH is an over-emergency room user. He has taken our boys in for

things I clearly knew were not emergencies. He and I disagree about

this, and I let him win because 1) he takes them and has to do all

the standing in line, etc and 2) I know he will fill a prescription

but won't give the kids anything without my approval. Your DH

probably does not believe you understand the difference between an

emergency and a regular health issue. I know I would have had

additional battles with him had I not give in to his need for the

children to see doctors. If your DH sees you suffering but refusing

meds, then he may get the wrong impression that you will let your

kids suffer before getting treatment as well.

> I had mastitis pretty awful last night but know full well to let a

fever

> run if I can and that antibiotics don't shorten the duration

I had mastitis when my second son was 3 months old. Ouch. Sympathy

vibes going your way.

> He told me I have these ridiculous concerns about CPS trying to

> make us

> vaccinate.

Men don't overthink things the way women do (I apologize for anybody

I am insulting with my gender-biased beliefs). My husband and I got

into a fight because I told him we would need to join a religious

organization to get a religious exemption. He told me that the state

could not interfere with personally held religious beliefs and that

if they did we could sue. His mind was made up - we did not join an

organization - and later I found out he was right. He did not even

dwell on it in his head. He thinks worrying about CPS is going

overboard as well. But he is not exposed to real stories like I am.

And even if he were, he would not dwell on it. He cannot go beyond

the here and now - ie, think in the future of things that have not

happened yet. They are out of his control, thus out of his mind.

> There was more to it but it was just out of the blue......we are

under

> stress but am so worried he actually thinks such a thing.

Under stress my husband yelled at me that it was the echinacea that I

gave our son that made him have diarrhea (which he has had since

birth and I had only given him 10 days worth of echinacea this past

winter). His accusation made no sense at all. I was mad at him for

3 days. My reaction when I get angry is no tears - I just get very,

very rude. In order to get out of the doghouse, he had to do a

complete search on echinacea and prove to himself (and me) that

echinacea did not cause diarrhea in our son. He apologized.

> what do you do if your dh has opposing views to what you know is

best for your children?

You give on what is less important to you, and refuse to budge on

what is. If you don't let him have some control, he won't trust

you. I told my husband in order to have some control he had to

become educated on issues so that I could trust that he was making a

decision based on knowledge. After all, I was at home all day long

researching this stuff, and if he didn't have the time to give to it,

then he did not have a right to an opinion. That worked. He did

become smart on the subject of enzymes, which we are now

supplementing with to see if it will help our son's intestinal

problems. And I trust him on it.

>so I feel like I have been lied to about how he feels about it.

He over-reacted. He has some worries, and he said things that were

not nice. He should apologize for that, but you need to help him

figure out what his real concerns are. People say things they don't

mean, and then the fight becomes about what somebody said, and not

about what somebody really believes.

>I'm scared he's going to walk in and say 'well i lied I want them

>vaccinated', or something like that.

If he has feelings like that, then ask him to do research on it.

That's the key - don't completely shut him out. Have him visit pro

and con sites. My DH did this after a negative tetnus reaction that

had him scared for his life and really joined my bandwagon after

that. Before this, our decision to not vaccinate was based on his

faith in me. After that, it was a mutual decision.

Hugs!

[Guest guest]

Hi. Can you please send me some enzyme info? I was looking into it a while

back but had trouble finding good information. thanks. You can send it to

my e-mail addy if you like.

>From: " MomToTwoKids " <laura_j_Luster@...>

>Reply-Vaccinations

>Vaccinations

>Subject: Re: husbands

>Date: Mon, 09 Jul 2001 13:08:15 -0000

>

>This is my counselor hat

>

> >Of course I

> > wouldn't take them in there if I didn't think they needed to but I

>would be

> > there in a minute if they needed it.

>

>My DH is an over-emergency room user. He has taken our boys in for

>things I clearly knew were not emergencies. He and I disagree about

>this, and I let him win because 1) he takes them and has to do all

>the standing in line, etc and 2) I know he will fill a prescription

>but won't give the kids anything without my approval. Your DH

>probably does not believe you understand the difference between an

>emergency and a regular health issue. I know I would have had

>additional battles with him had I not give in to his need for the

>children to see doctors. If your DH sees you suffering but refusing

>meds, then he may get the wrong impression that you will let your

>kids suffer before getting treatment as well.

>

> > I had mastitis pretty awful last night but know full well to let a

>fever

> > run if I can and that antibiotics don't shorten the duration

>

>I had mastitis when my second son was 3 months old. Ouch. Sympathy

>vibes going your way.

>

> > He told me I have these ridiculous concerns about CPS trying to

> > make us

> > vaccinate.

>

>Men don't overthink things the way women do (I apologize for anybody

>I am insulting with my gender-biased beliefs). My husband and I got

>into a fight because I told him we would need to join a religious

>organization to get a religious exemption. He told me that the state

>could not interfere with personally held religious beliefs and that

>if they did we could sue. His mind was made up - we did not join an

>organization - and later I found out he was right. He did not even

>dwell on it in his head. He thinks worrying about CPS is going

>overboard as well. But he is not exposed to real stories like I am.

>And even if he were, he would not dwell on it. He cannot go beyond

>the here and now - ie, think in the future of things that have not

>happened yet. They are out of his control, thus out of his mind.

>

>

> > There was more to it but it was just out of the blue......we are

>under

> > stress but am so worried he actually thinks such a thing.

>

>Under stress my husband yelled at me that it was the echinacea that I

>gave our son that made him have diarrhea (which he has had since

>birth and I had only given him 10 days worth of echinacea this past

>winter). His accusation made no sense at all. I was mad at him for

>3 days. My reaction when I get angry is no tears - I just get very,

>very rude. In order to get out of the doghouse, he had to do a

>complete search on echinacea and prove to himself (and me) that

>echinacea did not cause diarrhea in our son. He apologized.

>

>

> > what do you do if your dh has opposing views to what you know is

>best for your children?

>You give on what is less important to you, and refuse to budge on

>what is. If you don't let him have some control, he won't trust

>you. I told my husband in order to have some control he had to

>become educated on issues so that I could trust that he was making a

>decision based on knowledge. After all, I was at home all day long

>researching this stuff, and if he didn't have the time to give to it,

>then he did not have a right to an opinion. That worked. He did

>become smart on the subject of enzymes, which we are now

>supplementing with to see if it will help our son's intestinal

>problems. And I trust him on it.

>

> >so I feel like I have been lied to about how he feels about it.

>He over-reacted. He has some worries, and he said things that were

>not nice. He should apologize for that, but you need to help him

>figure out what his real concerns are. People say things they don't

>mean, and then the fight becomes about what somebody said, and not

>about what somebody really believes.

>

> >I'm scared he's going to walk in and say 'well i lied I want them

> >vaccinated', or something like that.

>If he has feelings like that, then ask him to do research on it.

>That's the key - don't completely shut him out. Have him visit pro

>and con sites. My DH did this after a negative tetnus reaction that

>had him scared for his life and really joined my bandwagon after

>that. Before this, our decision to not vaccinate was based on his

>faith in me. After that, it was a mutual decision.

>

>Hugs!

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

[Guest guest]

I will contact you offlist.

>

> Hi. Can you please send me some enzyme info? I was looking into

it a while

> back but had trouble finding good information. thanks. You can

send it to

> my e-mail addy if you like.

>

> >From: " MomToTwoKids " <laura_j_Luster@h...>

> >Reply-Vaccinations@y...

> >Vaccinations@y...

> >Subject: Re: husbands

> >Date: Mon, 09 Jul 2001 13:08:15 -0000

> >

> >This is my counselor hat

> >

> > >Of course I

> > > wouldn't take them in there if I didn't think they needed to

but I

> >would be

> > > there in a minute if they needed it.

> >

> >My DH is an over-emergency room user. He has taken our boys in for

> >things I clearly knew were not emergencies. He and I disagree

about

> >this, and I let him win because 1) he takes them and has to do all

> >the standing in line, etc and 2) I know he will fill a prescription

> >but won't give the kids anything without my approval. Your DH

> >probably does not believe you understand the difference between an

> >emergency and a regular health issue. I know I would have had

> >additional battles with him had I not give in to his need for the

> >children to see doctors. If your DH sees you suffering but

refusing

> >meds, then he may get the wrong impression that you will let your

> >kids suffer before getting treatment as well.

> >

> > > I had mastitis pretty awful last night but know full well to

let a

> >fever

> > > run if I can and that antibiotics don't shorten the duration

> >

> >I had mastitis when my second son was 3 months old. Ouch.

Sympathy

> >vibes going your way.

> >

> > > He told me I have these ridiculous concerns about CPS trying to

> > > make us

> > > vaccinate.

> >

> >Men don't overthink things the way women do (I apologize for

anybody

> >I am insulting with my gender-biased beliefs). My husband and I

got

> >into a fight because I told him we would need to join a religious

> >organization to get a religious exemption. He told me that the

state

> >could not interfere with personally held religious beliefs and that

> >if they did we could sue. His mind was made up - we did not join

an

> >organization - and later I found out he was right. He did not even

> >dwell on it in his head. He thinks worrying about CPS is going

> >overboard as well. But he is not exposed to real stories like I

am.

> >And even if he were, he would not dwell on it. He cannot go beyond

> >the here and now - ie, think in the future of things that have not

> >happened yet. They are out of his control, thus out of his mind.

> >

> >

> > > There was more to it but it was just out of the blue......we are

> >under

> > > stress but am so worried he actually thinks such a thing.

> >

> >Under stress my husband yelled at me that it was the echinacea

that I

> >gave our son that made him have diarrhea (which he has had since

> >birth and I had only given him 10 days worth of echinacea this past

> >winter). His accusation made no sense at all. I was mad at him

for

> >3 days. My reaction when I get angry is no tears - I just get

very,

> >very rude. In order to get out of the doghouse, he had to do a

> >complete search on echinacea and prove to himself (and me) that

> >echinacea did not cause diarrhea in our son. He apologized.

> >

> >

> > > what do you do if your dh has opposing views to what you know is

> >best for your children?

> >You give on what is less important to you, and refuse to budge on

> >what is. If you don't let him have some control, he won't trust

> >you. I told my husband in order to have some control he had to

> >become educated on issues so that I could trust that he was making

a

> >decision based on knowledge. After all, I was at home all day long

> >researching this stuff, and if he didn't have the time to give to

it,

> >then he did not have a right to an opinion. That worked. He did

> >become smart on the subject of enzymes, which we are now

> >supplementing with to see if it will help our son's intestinal

> >problems. And I trust him on it.

> >

> > >so I feel like I have been lied to about how he feels about it.

> >He over-reacted. He has some worries, and he said things that were

> >not nice. He should apologize for that, but you need to help him

> >figure out what his real concerns are. People say things they

don't

> >mean, and then the fight becomes about what somebody said, and not

> >about what somebody really believes.

> >

> > >I'm scared he's going to walk in and say 'well i lied I want them

> > >vaccinated', or something like that.

> >If he has feelings like that, then ask him to do research on it.

> >That's the key - don't completely shut him out. Have him visit pro

> >and con sites. My DH did this after a negative tetnus reaction

that

> >had him scared for his life and really joined my bandwagon after

> >that. Before this, our decision to not vaccinate was based on his

> >faith in me. After that, it was a mutual decision.

> >

> >Hugs!

> >

> >

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

[Guest guest]

, (How did you ever end up with both of the children's birthdays on the

same day of the year but two years apart! - WOW)

Looks like you've gotten some excellent advice on this one. Husbands can be a

VERY tricky subject.

Sorry to vent, but maybe someone can give me some advice too.

I have been married for 3 years and guarantee you my husband is 10 times worse!

Although he and I agree on the no vacs and most issues, when he gets mad (which

is pretty much a daily occurrence, and can happen over the drop of a hat) watch

out! One time I had him tell me that he would turn me in the Dept. of Health &

Human Services because I didn't vaccinate Jordan, even though he was in complete

agreement with this choice! He has left (either for several days or moved out to

live at his friend's or parents house - and they have finally put their foot

down and said no more) over and over again. I don't think we lived together most

of the first year of our marriage. I think it's considered abandonment - he

pretty much wouldn't even help pay a bill during those times, or when he's home

for that matter.

He always gets me crying too, and then usually calls me a baby when I do. He's a

very mean man when he's mad. Other times he's fun to be around (although I have

come to realize that life seems to revolve around him, his interests, and his

business - we don't spend much time or effort on me or my business when we're

together but I'm constantly helping him.) He's been through 2 previous marriages

and divorces, so I'm the third, and his 3 children by the previous marriages

used to visit every other weekend but now just the youngest one does. His oldest

(a daughter) has made 2 suicide attempts and her mom tried to give her up to the

state, but her grandmother stepped in and took her. That was a couple of months

ago and he hasn't tried to contact her yet. The kids have seen his temper around

me and heard him calling me terrible things and seen him get physical with me. I

think they have issues dealing with it all.

I'm on the verge of getting out. I have the full support of my family - they

can't stand him and the way he treats me. My son, Jordan, is 14 months and has

started talking and saying a lot of words he hears. I have told my husband (who

claims to be a Christian and even gives 2 Bible study classes at church) not to

be verbally and physically abusive to me and to NOT cuss in front of Jordan, but

it still happens a lot. I'm really scared that Jordan is going to pick up the

" F " word (which my husband uses repeatedly when he's mad) or one of the other

" Lovely " names I get called.

If someone happens to know of a good support list for women, I'd love to join

it. Also any good sites with information would be appreciated. I think my

husband had some real problems, he was even on Paxil for a while but it didn't

help and just made him have headaches when he skipped a dose. Since then we have

found out that medication like Prozac, etc can make someone even worse (See

http://drday.com where she has a wonderful video called " Turn on the Light "

which tells all about this).

Well, I certainly feel for you , or anyone who has to go through this. I

don't think men realize the way we women think. They are just made different. I

have to watch what I say all the time around him. I'm real good at just speaking

my mind and saying whatever I'm thinking at the time, and he takes that as

though it's a final decision I have made, when I'm only brainstorming to figure

something out! MEN!

Oh, and then there is the time that he left, cleaned me out (including my brand

new computer that was a gift from my mother) filed for divorce, and an order of

protection. The order of protection said I had threatened his kids. What really

happened was that when he got back from disappearing for 3 days during the worse

snowstorm of the year (and I hadn't slept for those three days) I asked him

" What would happen if someone you love & care about just disappeared for 3 days?

Maybe you wouldn't care if I did, but what if Whitney (his daughter)

disappeared? How would you feel? " and he then said " Is that a threat? " I was in

total shock at that point, and later he used it against me. Whitney, BTW, was 12

years old and much bigger than me (I'm a tiny petite thing that couldn't take on

anyone).

I'm coming to realize that this man is nuts. It's really hard when you're living

with the enemy - my health is suffering greatly from all the stress and I know

it. I feel as though I have aged 40 years, even though I still look very young

and don't even have a gray hair.

Well, good luck , I'll be praying for you. You probably feel pretty good

about your situation now after reading my horror story :-)

Take Care,

Parish

husbands

I'm wondering if anyone else has ever dealt with anything like this. I am

hoping dh said these things because he was in a bad mood but am feeling

really awful thinking he really thinks them....usually he acts supportive

so it was shocking....I felt really betrayed by the things he said.

He said he was worried that I would not take my children into the

Emergency Room if they needed it. This is completely not true, I have

never denied my children of anything and if they needed to go in I would

get them there. I was so hurt by him saying this and cried my eyes out and

he just thought it was ridiculous that I was offended by it. Of course I

wouldn't take them in there if I didn't think they needed to but I would be

there in a minute if they needed it.

I had mastitis pretty awful last night but know full well to let a fever

run if I can and that antibiotics don't shorten the duration and he was mad

because I held off from taking ibuprofen. He told me that my issues with

allopathic Drs were just paranoia.

He told me I have these ridiculous concerns about CPS trying to make us

vaccinate. I have told him about the people I have heard of it happening

to....it's not like I live in fear every minute of my life, but

unfortunately because we have chosen not to vaccinate it is a concern (I

know you all know why it is!!).

There was more to it but it was just out of the blue......we are under

stress but am so worried he actually thinks such a thing. My children are

my world and I take better care of them than anyone could. He says he

knows that but in the same doesn't understand the above....he stormed out

so I'm sitting here crying and feeling betrayed! We have been married for

almost 4 years so it is not as though I don't know the man.

<sigh>

what do you do if your dh has opposing views to what you know is best for

your children? It's not like any of this wasn't up for discussion in the

past, so I feel like I have been lied to about how he feels about it. I'm

scared he's going to walk in and say 'well i lied I want them vaccinated',

or something like that.

, proud SAHmama of nursling n 2/12/99

and Hannah Rae, born 2/12/01

loving & devoted wife to !

attachment / instinctive parenting, wholistic minded happy family!

~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`\

~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`

NetZero Platinum

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[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I read your post this morning, brought back all the sick feelings that I can

remember so well. My husband must be related to your husband. I can so

readily identify with what you are going through, it is almost scary. My

husband has made so much headway since getting off the meds, using

alternatives and leaning on the Lord, but I can soooo feel your pain. As

not to tie up this forum, please feel free to write me off line if I can be

of help to you, many blessings,

Doc and Dena

15:13

Radical and Rejected by the Establishment

www.spiritualaroma.com

husbands

>

>

> I'm wondering if anyone else has ever dealt with anything like this. I

am

> hoping dh said these things because he was in a bad mood but am feeling

> really awful thinking he really thinks them....usually he acts

supportive

> so it was shocking....I felt really betrayed by the things he said.

>

> He said he was worried that I would not take my children into the

> Emergency Room if they needed it. This is completely not true, I have

> never denied my children of anything and if they needed to go in I would

> get them there. I was so hurt by him saying this and cried my eyes out

and

> he just thought it was ridiculous that I was offended by it. Of course

I

> wouldn't take them in there if I didn't think they needed to but I would

be

> there in a minute if they needed it.

>

> I had mastitis pretty awful last night but know full well to let a fever

> run if I can and that antibiotics don't shorten the duration and he was

mad

> because I held off from taking ibuprofen. He told me that my issues

with

> allopathic Drs were just paranoia.

>

> He told me I have these ridiculous concerns about CPS trying to make us

> vaccinate. I have told him about the people I have heard of it

happening

> to....it's not like I live in fear every minute of my life, but

> unfortunately because we have chosen not to vaccinate it is a concern (I

> know you all know why it is!!).

>

> There was more to it but it was just out of the blue......we are under

> stress but am so worried he actually thinks such a thing. My children

are

> my world and I take better care of them than anyone could. He says he

> knows that but in the same doesn't understand the above....he stormed

out

> so I'm sitting here crying and feeling betrayed! We have been married

for

> almost 4 years so it is not as though I don't know the man.

> <sigh>

> what do you do if your dh has opposing views to what you know is best

for

> your children? It's not like any of this wasn't up for discussion in

the

> past, so I feel like I have been lied to about how he feels about it.

I'm

> scared he's going to walk in and say 'well i lied I want them

vaccinated',

> or something like that.

>

> , proud SAHmama of nursling n 2/12/99

> and Hannah Rae, born 2/12/01

> loving & devoted wife to !

> attachment / instinctive parenting, wholistic minded happy family!

>

~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`

~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`

>

>

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>

>