Guest guest Posted July 9, 2001 Report Share Posted July 9, 2001 Nice advice, Lady Lumbee, why do you call yourself the Misguided One? :-) Many Blessings, Doc and Dena 15:13 Radical and Rejected by the Establishment www.spiritualaroma.com Re: husbands > Someone may have harassed him about it and this was just how it came out. > > One thing I do know though is that what ever the fight is about, usually is > not what the fight is about. > > Look up Flesh Eating Bacteria. Ibuprofen feeds the stuff. One of > Israel's PCA's sons got the stuff from chicken pox or scabies that the doc > had treated with Advil. My 13yo recently got over a bout with it. > > Pray. If he wants some CPS horror stories tell him to call me 931-589-8886. > Or go to www.cpswatch.com and get their toll free # and call them. > > Just because you are paranoid don't mean they ain't out to get cha'! (lousy > attempt at humor) > > And assure him, he is there to help you make decisions concerning the > children, after all they are his also. > > Love and Blessings, > Ellen > The Misguided One > meharv84@... > I believe that what is right is not always popular and what is popular is > not always right. > > Learn more about my people at > http://chicora-waccamaw.com/ > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 9, 2001 Report Share Posted July 9, 2001 For years we thought we were Lumbee Indians and I recently found out our grandfathers, back two generations are on the 'core' membership roles of the Chicora-Waccamaw. Love and Blessings, Ellen meharv84@... I believe that what is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right. Learn more about my people at http://chicora-waccamaw.com/ Re: husbands > Nice advice, Lady Lumbee, why do you call yourself the Misguided One? :-) > Many Blessings, > Doc and Dena > 15:13 > Radical and Rejected by the Establishment > www.spiritualaroma.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 9, 2001 Report Share Posted July 9, 2001 How neat! Michele For years we thought we were Lumbee Indians and I recently found out our grandfathers, back two generations are on the 'core' membership roles of the Chicora-Waccamaw. Love and Blessings, Ellen .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 9, 2001 Report Share Posted July 9, 2001 In a message dated 7/9/01 11:24:01 PM GTB Daylight Time, Resume@... writes: << Well, good luck , I'll be praying for you. You probably feel pretty good about your situation now after reading my horror story :-) Take Care, Parish >> Praying for you both. It is a shame that women is these situations can not meet up with each other and provide support.You know like living together,tending to the children,equal division of everything.If my dh were ever to die in these early years I am definately looking for a mom who needs help,and then we can help each other. Happier times for you both! Sara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 9, 2001 Report Share Posted July 9, 2001 In a message dated 7/9/01 11:24:01 PM GTB Daylight Time, Resume@... writes: << what do you do if your dh has opposing views to what you know is best for your children? It's not like any of this wasn't up for discussion in the past, so I feel like I have been lied to about how he feels about it. I'm scared he's going to walk in and say 'well i lied I want them vaccinated', or something like that. >> My dh is not into agreeing on anything I do since the day I decided to have a homebirth.I always tell him that until he researches an issue and discusses it with me then he has to keep his mouth shut. As far as the vaccine issue I wrote up our affidavit and dh signed and notarized it so I have proof he agreed to the decision. Sara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 10, 2001 Report Share Posted July 10, 2001 > what do you do if your dh has opposing views to what you know is best for > your children? It's not like any of this wasn't up for discussion in the > past, so I feel like I have been lied to about how he feels about it. > I'm > scared he's going to walk in and say 'well i lied I want them vaccinated', > or something like that. >> > > My dh is not into agreeing on anything I do since the day I decided to have > a homebirth.I always tell him that until he researches an issue and discusses > it with me then he has to keep his mouth shut. As far as the vaccine issue I > wrote up our affidavit and dh signed and notarized it so I have proof he > agreed to the decision. > Sara > I have been there too and he had to learn the hard way that it is better to trust my intuition. My daughter lost her hearing after the Hep B shot. Something I just didn't want to give her. I think a mother does know better, she is more closely connected with the child. a. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 10, 2001 Report Share Posted July 10, 2001 In a message dated 7/10/01 4:16:16 PM GTB Daylight Time, Loren63@... writes: << course it took the public radio netowrk for him to truly know about the issue and NOT from me to get him to a point where we can actually have a conversation about the issue and all the things wrong with vaccinating... >> LOL that is where my dh got some of his vax and water contamination info from too! Sara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 10, 2001 Report Share Posted July 10, 2001 I wouldnt be able to stand having my opinions squished without good reason, i agree that certain men who dont seem to understand our decisions need to be told that unless they study up as much as we have and truly understand every reason why we chose not to vacc and other parental decisions, then and only then can they argue against them with valid reasons of their own..not just the old, well we got vaccinated and we're fine argument.. my husband was against the no vacc issue at first, he still signed the affidaivit though, he KNEW id done more research on the issue and souldnt make a rash decision when ti came to our child's well-being, as time went by he heard mroe things about vaccintaing and problems with it, heard more reports, looked up sites online, course it took the public radio netowrk for him to truly know about the issue and NOT from me to get him to a point where we can actually have a conversation about the issue and all the things wrong with vaccinating...same was for circumcising, he drove me nuts on that issue while i was pregnant, well i probably drove myself more nuts by focusing on it but it was important to me to never circumcise any chidl of mine, and thsi was before we knew we were having a girl, i used ot be ok with it until i saw pictures, ughh...he always says it's my decision but i think it's important that they stand WITH us not just yess whatever you say:) onyl thing he's still iffy on is the unassisted birth i insist i will have, course he had a horror of a time watchign me give birth the first time soo i understand him on that one.. Loren..mamma to Quinn p.s..it's never good to stay in a situation where you cant simply relax and actually feel like you have to protect your children from your husband, even if it's an issue such as vaccinating them..good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2001 Report Share Posted November 28, 2001 Well, that would explain the genetics then, wouldn't it? LOL in TX husbands As I've said before, I think we all married the same man. Judy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2001 Report Share Posted November 29, 2001 Judy and all - I agree! The husband profile we're discussing is like the last 23 years I've spent with my husband. I would just be so gratified if he were self-aware enough to see the OCD habits he has and either work on them, or at least be able to laugh at himself. He really can't admit it to himself, however. But, two things - Tom our OCD teen, can bring out the best in my husband, and when he does, they have so much fun. So, Tom would certainly not make the transition to a parental separation very well. That's my compelling reason for staying. Because really, if my husband were free to meet and marry someone else, I think he'd be able to find someone who would devote herself to him and their relationship; and that might be just what he needs to help himself cope with his feelings of inadequacy.... and I just can't (won't?) devote myself to that while getting Tom through the tough teenage years. One of the things that helps me work through the years (and I don't think my husband and I will always be together, although we'll probably always love each other!) is that I keep realizing that, for the most part, it's all that (hubby) can do to take care of himself! That's why he's always relied on me 90% to make sure that the kids issues are handled. And so, you do what you gotta do... My friends all think this is sad, but I just think it's made me a better person, at least, I hope so! > As I've said before, I think we all married the same man. > > Judy > Re: TO: Joye > > > > TO: Grace > > > It does not matter from which side of the family it comes from - except > when > one of the spouses has some form of the disorder or another disorder and > then life for the " well " spouse can turn into a complete nightmare. This > is > where I am and have been for many years. > > but my husbands rigidity and lack of empathy for anyone other than himself > interferes with any consistent progress. He also suffers from depression > which manifests in a LOT or irritability, no energy, and he walls himself > off from the family, refusing to participate in any of our activities, > even > the most mundane ones. He becomes angry when asked to assist with the > kids, > and will often engage in his own activity to the point that he does not > respond to others, even to the point of not answering when he is > repeatedly > talked to! > > > > > : > > I'm glad I'm not alone. My husband is taking medication for depression, > but > also self-medicates with alcohol a lot. After researching anxieties > disorders I'm pretty sure he is GAD. But getting him to a doctor for > diagnosis and him telling the doctor all of the facts could possibly be > somewhat clouded. Hang in there. > > Tamra > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2001 Report Share Posted November 29, 2001 Well, I think we should all give a big CHEER for the dads who do participate in this and/or other group lists. From all the comments here (and a lot of you seem to be describing my ex!), these dads are apparently very rare! Most dads I know and know of are usually involved in their kids' sports; it's nice to see dads as a parent involved in the everyday school and OCD and other problems/behaviors with their kids. CHEERS!! > > As I've said before, I think we all married the same man. > > > > Judy > > Re: TO: Joye > > > > > > > > TO: Grace > > > > > > It does not matter from which side of the family it comes from - > except > > when > > one of the spouses has some form of the disorder or another > disorder and > > then life for the " well " spouse can turn into a complete > nightmare. This > > is > > where I am and have been for many years. > > > > but my husbands rigidity and lack of empathy for anyone other > than himself > > interferes with any consistent progress. He also suffers from > depression > > which manifests in a LOT or irritability, no energy, and he walls > himself > > off from the family, refusing to participate in any of our > activities, > > even > > the most mundane ones. He becomes angry when asked to assist > with the > > kids, > > and will often engage in his own activity to the point that he > does not > > respond to others, even to the point of not answering when he is > > repeatedly > > talked to! > > > > > > > > : > > > > I'm glad I'm not alone. My husband is taking medication for > depression, > > but > > also self-medicates with alcohol a lot. After researching > anxieties > > disorders I'm pretty sure he is GAD. But getting him to a doctor > for > > diagnosis and him telling the doctor all of the facts could > possibly be > > somewhat clouded. Hang in there. > > > > Tamra > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2001 Report Share Posted November 29, 2001 Thank you, Chris. My spouse and I separated and divorced in 1998 for many of the reasons many of the women on this list have cited regarding their husbands, only it was my ex that had these traits, in addition to being bipolar, having OCD and PTSD. At the point I left, Social Services was telling me that if I didn't keep control of the household, they would take my daughter away from me. It became necessary to leave and take sole custody. During my marriage, my ex was unmedicated. Now she is on medication and is trying to get help through therapy. But still, my daughter and my ex do best if they only see each other for short weekend visits, not longer visits. This arrangement works out well for both of us. Our older daughter is on her own, but lives close by. So I can empathize with what you Moms are going through with your spouses, but in my case the genders were flipped. Jay in Denver >Reply- > >Subject: Re: husbands >Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2001 13:21:20 -0000 > >Well, I think we should all give a big CHEER for the dads who do >participate in this and/or other group lists. From all the comments >here (and a lot of you seem to be describing my ex!), these dads are >apparently very rare! Most dads I know and know of are usually >involved in their kids' sports; it's nice to see dads as a parent >involved in the everyday school and OCD and other problems/behaviors >with their kids. CHEERS!! > > > _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2001 Report Share Posted November 29, 2001 Hi everyone, I found that if I could step back and be unavailable, that dad, and the kids, have no choice but to deal with the issues themselves! It is easy to fall into the role of 'care taker' but sometimes we need to recognize how to prioritize our 'duties' and delegate out some of the responsibilities. For years i went to work (3,4 jobs) while Yigal stayed home with what ever child was in crisis. I worked as the coordinator - leaving instructions on how to cope with a variety of situations, etc. I took the kids to most appointments, advocated with agencies, and took care of the public issues (school, social, etc.). For us, this worked. I still needed to be available 24/7, but i could continue my studies, and earn more than he could. My point is, when in a relationship, and dealing with chronically ill children, the partners needs to adapt to this change. Family therapy may not be useful, but couples therapy (whatever name its going under) may help you to develop a new understanding of how to prioritize and delegate. In my experience, I have found many couples have difficulties letting go of traditional roles (defined by how they conducted themselves to this point) and experience resistance from both partners. Slowly, with goal setting, sharing the burden can help for everyone involved. On another note, living with someone with an undiagnosed illness, or who is resistance to treatment, is so frustrating!! Not mention self medicating with alcohol and drugs.... Sometimes having someone neutral put things in perspective can help that partner face reality. The " DADS " group at the last conference certainly opened the door for the men to express how frustrated they felt in their roles. Many, I believe, wish they could do more for their children, but didnt always have the skills to do it. More training and encouragement for them would be beneficial. Group hug! wendy in canada (social worker; lives w/ ocd/depression dx in hubby & 3 kids!) _______________________________________________________ Build your own website in minutes and for free at http://ca.geocities.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2001 Report Share Posted November 29, 2001 Thank you Jay for your input on this issue. While did bring out an excellent point about the main caretaker stepping out of the way in order for the non-caretaking spouse to find their way, that way should never include verbal or physical abuse or neglect of the children in that parent's care! The fine line I am walking with my ongoing situation does include this issue and I am not willing to step so far out of the way that my children are hurt physically or emotionally due to neglect or out of control behavior on their father's part. I have wrap around services during the evening hours because of this situation and certainly some of the lacking behavior is being documented by the staff involved with our case, BUT we are having great difficulty staying fully staffed and we have had many weeks when we do not have a TSS here. As best as I have been able to determine, the law is NOT behind parents like me, unless something very bad has already happened to a child and been documented, therefore it would be impossible to convince a judge to rule for supervised visitation. I am still looking into this issue. I believe that each and every one of us who are faced with these types of situations need to weigh very carefully how we proceed and not lose sight of what is best for the mental and physical health of our children and ourselves when we are dealing with a spouse who is either undiagnosed or diagnosed, but not following treatment suggestions and continuing to self medicate. After 8 years of trying many different approaches, including therapy for both me, my husband and couples therapy, my well is dry. Sometimes, getting out of the way is not the best answer, we need to find different solutions that are not as readily apparent! Blessings, in Southeastern PA " J. W. " <writeguy01@...> wrote: Thank you, Chris. My spouse and I separated and divorced in 1998 for many of the reasons many of the women on this list have cited regarding their husbands, only it was my ex that had these traits, in addition to being bipolar, having OCD and PTSD. At the point I left, Social Services was telling me that if I didn't keep control of the household, they would take my daughter away from me. It became necessary to leave and take sole custody. During my marriage, my ex was unmedicated. Now she is on medication and is trying to get help through therapy. But still, my daughter and my ex do best if they only see each other for short weekend visits, not longer visits. This arrangement works out well for both of us. Our older daughter is on her own, but lives close by. So I can empathize with what you Moms are going through with your spouses, but in my case the genders were flipped. Jay in Denver >Reply- > >Subject: Re: husbands >Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2001 13:21:20 -0000 > >Well, I think we should all give a big CHEER for the dads who do >participate in this and/or other group lists. From all the comments >here (and a lot of you seem to be describing my ex!), these dads are >apparently very rare! Most dads I know and know of are usually >involved in their kids' sports; it's nice to see dads as a parent >involved in the everyday school and OCD and other problems/behaviors >with their kids. CHEERS!! > > > _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2001 Report Share Posted November 29, 2001 > > Thank you Jay for your input on this issue. While did bring out an excellent point about the main caretaker stepping out of the way in order for the non-caretaking spouse to find their way, that way should never include verbal or physical abuse or neglect of the children in that parent's care! Hi all, I have been following this thread with much compassion - it can be so difficult. I also thank Jay, as I appreciated hearing another side of the issue. , my heart goes out to you - I have been there. It sounds like you have done all you can. In my case, the father of my children did not want to see them after our divorce (not that he was around much before that). While this was simpler for me, not having to deal with him or visitation problems (supervised or not), and safer for my children to not be around him... they missed out on having a father, and this makes me sad for them. My son (now 20)is bitter and can hardly stand when anyone brings up his dad's name. My daughter (now 16) was 5 when I divorced her dad, and over Thanksgiving I heard her say with a sigh, to my brother, " I need a dad " . She is not very outgoing, and I was so surprised to hear her say this... :-( It's why I was so glad to see Gail's note about doing the best you can, and that has to be good enough. love, Marlys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2001 Report Share Posted November 29, 2001 > > > > Thank you Jay for your input on this issue. While did bring > out an excellent point about the main caretaker stepping out of the > way in order for the non-caretaking spouse to find their way, that way > should never include verbal or physical abuse or neglect of the > children in that parent's care! > > Hi all, > I have been following this thread with much compassion - it can be so > difficult. I also thank Jay, as I appreciated hearing another side of > the issue. , my heart goes out to you - I have been there. It > sounds like you have done all you can. In my case, the father of my > children did not want to see them after our divorce (not that he was > around much before that). While this was simpler for me, not having > to deal with him or visitation problems (supervised or not), and safer > for my children to not be around him... they missed out on having a > father, and this makes me sad for them. My son (now 20)is bitter and > can hardly stand when anyone brings up his dad's name. My daughter > (now 16) was 5 when I divorced her dad, and over Thanksgiving I heard > her say with a sigh, to my brother, " I need a dad " . She is not very > outgoing, and I was so surprised to hear her say this... :-( It's > why I was so glad to see Gail's note about doing the best you can, and > that has to be good enough. > love, > Marlys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2001 Report Share Posted November 29, 2001 All right, all right - I'll jump in on this topic too. I definetely did not marry the same guy you all did (but my sister did!!!). And even though it is true that I am the resident expert on OCD, my DH and I have a comfortable understanding about it. He works more than full time and I have quit working to reduce the stress level in our home. Because I am an information junkie, I have read everything ever written on OCD, encephalitis, ADHD, etc. and my husband is my biggest cheerleader and supporter. He defers to me on almost all issues relating to Annie's illness, but discusses it all with me. He acknowledges that he knows little and is thrilled to have an expert in the home on this issue. So, having one parent be the case manager works well for us - but only because he supports me every step of the way. I don't expect him to be an expert, but I do expect him to acknowledge how hard my job is and how much time and emotional energy I spend on it. Which he does. I don't know how those of you with unsupportive (or worse, blaming) partners can function. My husband is the only person in the world who really knows what we are dealing with - except for all of you now!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2001 Report Share Posted November 29, 2001 , Mine is the same way--at least he understands and trys to help out as much as possible....he can't take over the worrying or the organizing, but just give him a task (one at a time, however,) and he is more than willing. I don't know how anyone could cope on their own with this--I admire all of us for taking this on--and sticking with it to find the right answers. in Nebraska Re: Re: husbands All right, all right - I'll jump in on this topic too. I definetely did not marry the same guy you all did (but my sister did!!!). And even though it is true that I am the resident expert on OCD, my DH and I have a comfortable understanding about it. He works more than full time and I have quit working to reduce the stress level in our home. Because I am an information junkie, I have read everything ever written on OCD, encephalitis, ADHD, etc. and my husband is my biggest cheerleader and supporter. He defers to me on almost all issues relating to Annie's illness, but discusses it all with me. He acknowledges that he knows little and is thrilled to have an expert in the home on this issue. So, having one parent be the case manager works well for us - but only because he supports me every step of the way. I don't expect him to be an expert, but I do expect him to acknowledge how hard my job is and how much time and emotional energy I spend on it. Which he does. I don't know how those of you with unsupportive (or worse, blaming) partners can function. My husband is the only person in the world who really knows what we are dealing with - except for all of you now!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2001 Report Share Posted November 30, 2001 I guess I would welcome having my husband defer to my expertise, especially if that meant he would also be encouraged to assist me in dealing with the affected kids (mainly my oldest girls). Rather he decribes me as an " armchair psychologist " thinks I have wasted time in researching (negelecting my real " duties " ) and seems to wonder that if perhaps I did not try as hard to address the problems, they would just go away. He tends to cringe when the subject of OCD comes up, so I cannot use the word ocd (or more lately BDD). I overheard him telling his mother " just thinks they have all these 'disorders' " . Supposedly I am creating a self fullfilling prophecy. Again, it is so annoying to me when people without the intimate experience (my husband is pretty disconnected from the daily life of the kids) presume to make judgements and apply their so called general " good sense " to something they know little about. I do not tend to leave the kids very much in my husband's care, which could explain his lack of experience with their behavior, because he can have a bad moody temper at times. When he is on the upswing it's ok, but not when he is in a moody phase. Still, he is a very responsible good citizen type, and works hard to provide, and we do have a system. I'm the stay at home mom-he's the provider. His job is a good place for him, it makes his precison-order-method ocd tendencies advantageous (he is a research biochemistry scientist), but his lack of time with the kids, and often irritability with lack of order at home, is a factor in the kids feeling disconnected, and myself feeling neglected (no respites). Since his behavior can be inconsistent and unpredictable, they find him to be confusing and overly intimidating at times, though they love him for the fun times, except for my oldest daughter who eventually began to harbor a grudge against him for his outbursts (Well, she must love him-but has no real relationship wih him at this time). Still, I do think my husband is very gradually learning and accepting more, and will come around. I just keep trying to share with him in a non-confrontational way, but when he confronts me, blaming or questioning my efforts, boy do I get steamed, because he is not really giving me the same courtesy yet. Plus, I do not want his negative perception of " disorders " or psychology to affect the girls any more than what they already deal with. That all said, I do not think our marriage is in dire straits, just needs work, because we depend so much on each other, and because we do share the bonding experince of being responsible (each in our own ways) for these 5 kids. Moreover, I think I tend to be understanding of some of his unacknowledged difficult behavior, because I think it is neurological. Grace -- In @y..., " W " <susan@m...> wrote: > , > Mine is the same way--at least he understands and trys to help out as much as possible....he can't take over the worrying or the organizing, but just give him a task (one at a time, however,) and he is more than willing. I don't know how anyone could cope on their own with this--I admire all of us for taking this on--and sticking with it to find the right answers. > in Nebraska > Re: Re: husbands > > > All right, all right - I'll jump in on this topic too. > I definetely did not marry the same guy you all did (but my sister > did!!!). And even though it is true that I am the resident expert on OCD, my > DH and I have a comfortable understanding about it. He works more than full > time and I have quit working to reduce the stress level in our home. Because > I am an information junkie, I have read everything ever written on OCD, > encephalitis, ADHD, etc. and my husband is my biggest cheerleader and > supporter. He defers to me on almost all issues relating to Annie's illness, > but discusses it all with me. He acknowledges that he knows little and is > thrilled to have an expert in the home on this issue. So, having one parent > be the case manager works well for us - but only because he supports me every > step of the way. I don't expect him to be an expert, but I do expect him to > acknowledge how hard my job is and how much time and emotional energy I spend > on it. Which he does. > I don't know how those of you with unsupportive (or worse, blaming) > partners can function. My husband is the only person in the world who really > knows what we are dealing with - except for all of you now!! > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 1, 2001 Report Share Posted December 1, 2001 Hi Jay, I always sort of cringe when the topic turns to unsupportive, uninvolved husbands on this list--I always think of you and the few but mighty dads who post here who are 110% involved in their NBD child's care, parenting, everything. I wish you could figure out how to bottle whatever it is about yourself that makes you such a superb father. You would have a ready-made market!! Take care, Kathy R. in Indiana ----- Original Message ----- From: " J. W. " <writeguy01@...> > Thank you, Chris. My spouse and I separated and divorced in 1998 for many of > the reasons many of the women on this list have cited regarding their > husbands, only it was my ex that had these traits, in addition to being > bipolar, having OCD and PTSD. At the point I left, Social Services was > telling me that if I didn't keep control of the household, they would take > my daughter away from me. It became necessary to leave and take sole > custody. During my marriage, my ex was unmedicated. Now she is on medication > and is trying to get help through therapy. But still, my daughter and my ex > do best if they only see each other for short weekend visits, not longer > visits. This arrangement works out well for both of us. Our older daughter > is on her own, but lives close by. So I can empathize with what you Moms are > going through with your spouses, but in my case the genders were flipped. > Jay in Denver Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2001 Report Share Posted December 2, 2001 Kathy, It's not rocket science to love your kids, as you all know. And I think that unconditional love is the singular thing that helps me be a good parent. I am far from perfect though, and have my " human " days, as we all do. I don't take the husband comments personally, because I know that the list is overwhelmingly populated by mothers of OCD kids. And it's frustrating when your mate doesn't want to or can't be a functional parent. I think it's good to use this list to vent those frustrations, I don't want anyone to feel bad for expressing their feelings about their spouses. An intact family is always better than a broken family, but sometimes we do what we have to do for the sake of our kids. And that is what makes us good parents. Jay in Denver ply- >< > >Subject: Re: Re: husbands >Date: Sat, 1 Dec 2001 18:51:35 -0500 > >Hi Jay, I always sort of cringe when the topic turns to unsupportive, >uninvolved husbands on this list--I always think of you and the few but >mighty dads who post here who are 110% involved in their NBD child's care, >parenting, everything. > >I wish you could figure out how to bottle whatever it is about yourself >that >makes you such a superb father. You would have a ready-made market!! > >Take care, >Kathy R. in Indiana _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 6, 2001 Report Share Posted December 6, 2001 HI Everyone: I have it on the best authority (my dh) that 's dh, Yigal, was wonderful in the dads' group and we plan a reprise this year in Philly. From and Jay's stories we can tell whoever has the greatest determination and emotional strength will take the ball and run with it when it comes to getting help for our kids. This week I went to an 504 meeting with a friend in crisis. One suggestion I had for her was to make sure her ex was at the meeting. He really added to the meeting and helped the school understand the complexity of treatment issues around anorexia nervosa, an OCD-spectrum disorder. In Hawaii this is now considered a medical condition, not a psychiatric one. The irony of this view was not lost on the school personnel. Yay, for the dads, even when we are on a different timetable I would never have been able to embark on this difficult journey without my precious dh. Take care, aloha, Kathy (h) kathyh@... > Hi everyone, > > I found that if I could step back and be unavailable, that dad, and > the kids, have no choice but to deal with the issues themselves! > It is easy to fall into the role of 'care taker' but sometimes we > need to recognize how to prioritize our 'duties' and delegate out > some of the responsibilities. > > For years i went to work (3,4 jobs) while Yigal stayed home with > what ever child was in crisis. I worked as the coordinator - leaving > instructions on how to cope with a variety of situations, etc. I took > the kids to most appointments, advocated with agencies, and took care > of the public issues (school, social, etc.). For us, this worked. I > still needed to be available 24/7, but i could continue my studies, > and earn more than he could. > > My point is, when in a relationship, and dealing with chronically > ill children, the partners needs to adapt to this change. Family > therapy may not be useful, but couples therapy (whatever name its > going under) may help you to develop a new understanding of how to > prioritize and delegate. In my experience, I have found many couples > have difficulties letting go of traditional roles (defined by how > they conducted themselves to this point) and experience resistance > from both partners. Slowly, with goal setting, sharing the burden can > help for everyone involved. > > On another note, living with someone with an undiagnosed illness, > or who is resistance to treatment, is so frustrating!! Not mention > self medicating with alcohol and drugs.... Sometimes having someone > neutral put things in perspective can help that partner face reality. > > The " DADS " group at the last conference certainly opened the door > for the men to express how frustrated they felt in their roles. Many, > I believe, wish they could do more for their children, but didnt > always have the skills to do it. More training and encouragement for > them would be beneficial. > > Group hug! wendy in canada > (social worker; lives w/ ocd/depression dx in hubby & 3 kids!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 22, 2001 Report Share Posted December 22, 2001 Oh, , what a gem you are. Dean does quite a bit inside the house, like some laundry, the one thing I hate. I still do all the heavy cleaning, but he picks up all the time. Not too bad. But I mow the yard, trim bushes, all the outdoor stuff, and fix my own car. Not drive it to the mechanic, but fix it. His coworkers laughed and told him he was gonna be in big trouble when he bought me a 210 piece craftsman tool set for a gift, but I proudly went out and bought a brand new craftsman tool box to keep them in. We trade off on things. It works that way. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 22, 2001 Report Share Posted December 22, 2001 In a message dated 12/22/2001 7:41:41 AM US Mountain Standard Time, shippd@... writes: > Nowdays they say more fathers are helping out. I don't really see it that > much around here, Well, you'll see it at my house. If my husband is home, I don't do dishes. He is just as likely to give baths, cook, do laundry, and clean the house as I am when he is home. While I'm the home maker and he works outside the home, we are both parents to our children. He does just as much with them as I do when he is home. During the week I get up with the babies for night feedings but on weekends, he does just as much as I do. He's a great Dad and husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 22, 2001 Report Share Posted December 22, 2001 In a message dated 12/22/01 9:27:20 AM Central Standard Time, Michdock@... writes: > he does just as much as I do. > He's a great Dad and husband. > > Hi Boy I'm glad my hubby is not reading this list on this thread lol because I'm fixing to slam him lolol Mike does NOTHING around the house. Ooooh wait he does change the over head light bulbs and does the yard work (only because my mother told him I'm allergic to grass lol) A little background.......Mike has no sisters, no female cousins, he had a Mom who did everything...... soooooo he is one dog that will NOT learn new tricks. Any time I say, what if I die who will do this work, he answers..... " my daughters " lol (he has 3 now) or he'll marry quick I went to FL this month and my oldest daughter called 3x daily to complain on the mess at home. She said she never wants my job cleaning up after Mike and Kaite Heehee now she appreciates me more Mike would tell when she complained to stop cleaning, just wait till the day mom comes home........ was livid because she couldn't even live a week with the mess. As far as child care, I was (alone) in Nashville for 3 days and Mike lost Sara on day one. He was almost to the point of calling the police.........passerbyer's told him they saw her two blocks away. Mike does have other qualities that MUST keep me with him........heehee right now I'm trying to think what they are lol Kathy mom to Sara 10..........he does get the silent treatment when I hear..... " You are the housewife, women would die to be in your shoes " this is after I request some help ugggggggggggg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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