Fall-out...

[Guest guest]

From my blog today...

I think the hardest thing for me is to get out of this " diet mindest "

and realize that even on my worst days, I am still doing IE.

It's been a tough week.

I just haven't been able to wait for hunger like I would like. I'm

putting on weight again and trying desperately NOT to focus on that.

I'm self-talking, but nothing seems to be kicking in.

Then yesterday was the clincher.

I know a lot of my underlying eating issues come from my home life as

a child. Sunday night I and dh went to my folks and sorted through a

lot of things that are going on with them and our church. It was a

very, very good talk, and I thought I did well with it. I felt very

strong and powerful, something I've never felt in my relationship with

my mom.

But…

On Monday the overeating began. I haven't been able to stop. Or maybe

I haven't been able to choose to stop. Yesterday I went through all

the self talk. Admitting that the eating was a very good indicator

that something was off in my life, but not putting two and two

together yet. I went for a walk. Not because I was angry or feeling

ugly about myself, but because I wanted to enjoy the weather and feel

good.

It helped tremendously. Not with the eating, but with my over all

feelings.

Then at noon, I met my sister for lunch. Another very long long story,

but suffice it to say that our relationship is complicated. She is my

very best friend, and because of our past with my mom, I will do

anything not to hurt my sister. Even if it means being fatter than

her. Sometimes I wonder if I need to be " the messy one " and " the heavy

one " just so that I don't hurt her in my own heart. To stay in my place.

She is overweight too. Yesterday it was obvious to me that she's

losing weight. I know she's been exercising, and the way she picked at

her food were all red flags for me. And she looks quite a bit thinner.

And then there's me.

I already had been struggling all week. I feel fat right now. I saw

her and it set me into a tailspin.

I'm working hard to recognize what the world is going on here. To

truly be happy for my sister, but to not let it throw my into my own

frenzied eating. To admit that although Sunday was good for me, in

some ways it brought up a lot of things I might not be ready to deal

with after all.Maybe I need to realize that we're all adults now and

that it's ok for me to break out of this old pattern. I mean to really

accept that.

I keep thinking about what said on the group. Our need to

re-create chaos in our lives. Maybe that has something to do with all

this? My urges to keep things messy in my life. Maybe that is my

ingrained comfort zone and maybe that is the thing I need to fight the

hardest. To allow myself to be who that little girl started out as so

many years ago, before all the pain.

I think I know who I am at my center. I think I need to allow myself

to " hurt " others, especially my mom and my sister, knowing that they

are adults and need to deal with their own lives.

Any maybe, just maybe, when I allow myself to be the real me, maybe

the fall-out won't be the very big monster I imagine it to be.

dawnz