New to this group

[Guest guest]

Hi, I've been reading the posts for a while before I finally decided

to post one of my own. I have been struggling with an eating

disorder since January, and I am really working on it now. I want to

be normal, I want food to not consume my thoughts and life. But it

is so much easier to just decide on yet another plan or strategy to

lose weight. I lost about 20 pounds before I got help, and now I've

gained 5 back after taking progesterone (a hormone to try to restart

my period). The thing is, I'm not really that small. I was 138-ish

before everything started, but muscular, so a lot of the weight was

that. And I'll bet I lost muscle most, because I got down to 116 and

looked not much different. But now at 120 I look bigger. A bit of a

paradox. So now I get panicky when I see a smaller person, or see me

now, and I want SO bad to be really slight and slender. I know that

is an unhealthy thought, but it is in my mind nevertheless. Any

ideas or thoughts? I am sick of being disgusted with my body, and

thinking of food 80% of the time is wearing. I have read the book

through a couple times, and have earnestly tried to intuitively eat

and apply the principles, but I get discouraged after a day or so and

fall right into a diet again. I think I get frustrated with myself

when I'm NOT controlling what I eat. But when I do control what I

eat it's depressing. A bit of a catch-22. Any input would be

greatly appreciated.

C