so much pain

September 13, 2001

Sorry last nights post was so bad for spelling. I am very upset.. My daughter

came home raging yesterday in the morning, a girlfriend telling her lies

about me triggered her, she came home packed up the baby as she was telling

me how sick I am, how messed up and bad I am and that she needed to get

herself and her baby where they could be safe. she said I will never see the

baby again. she accused me of taking her baby all these months and which she

left him here for me to care for. She is soooo sick. But I can't help her or

be there for her anylonger. This time she has hurt me beyond repair. Mental

Ilness is awful, but can't destroy other people and break up relationships

betwee grandmother and grandson. I am sooo sad for my grandson, who is very,

very , close to me. I am who he's bonded with for the last 5 mnoths. He was

pulled from my arms yesterday, and then my daughter ordered me to pack he

things so she could take him away from me and that I will never see him

again, can you believe, her ordering me to pack up his stuff. It couldn't be

any worse if she had of drilled a knife into my heart. she has so much hate

for me. She wants me to die. I have cared for her, I have paid her bill for

her and helped with the baby. I did every thing she wanted, even though she

will tell you I'm some crazy bitch that did nothing for her. I went to child

protective services yesterday, and let them know what had happened, I told

them how she pulled a knife at her boyfriends friday night, and was going to

kill herself and ended up being brought home here, instaed of going to the

hospital, because she was able to manipulate the police. Prtective services

said she has to do something to colin, before they can get involved. SHe is

so so sick, My husband and I can not get any help, how ever we went to the

court house yesterday and got restaining orders to keep her away from us and

our home as she is so dangerous. If only the proper people knew how dangerous

she really is. The T said she would not write a letter or talk to anyone for

us, because that would be a confidentiality breech. We went to the police,

they said they can't get involved. Then she came here to the house, while we

were gone and gathered things to use against me, such as.. I have Lupus, And

MS and am on strong medications for pain. Morphine, however I have taken it

for awahile and am functional on my meds. as well as meds for a bad valve in

my heart, migraine and other things. I contribute all these health problems

to the many years of stress that I have allowed my daughter to create, and

the choas..SHe took paper work on my meds to a lawyer to prove that I am a

junkie, as she put it to the lawyer. She said that my husband and I wanted

her to have a baby for us, and that when she said no, she got pregnant with

colin, and now we want to take him. Unbelievable things that she is coming up

with. And told him so many more lies that I can't even say them they are so

bad. her goal is to destroy me and my husband, He goal is to push me to kill

myself, And you know what, She may sucseed... I miss my little grandson. How

can I live knowing that he is in danger in her care. There are different

degrees of BPD and there has to be more to her than that. Paranoia,

schizephrinc, I believ that there is more than one personality. Hilter was

borderline, look how evil he was. My daughter has become so evil, that I have

been throwing up since this happened, i can not believe I gave birth to

something so evil and so mailisious. I'm sorry I know I sound like a mom that

hates her daughter. I pity her, I pity her. SHe is so sick. I can't stress to

you enough, what is going on her and how far off she is. My husband said

yesterday, And he's a very passive man, SHE'S GONE...COMPLETELY GONE.. ANd he

said he can't believe that everyone we have gone to has turned us away. My

fear is that someone is going to die and I hope it's not that baby, at her

hands. SHe is soooo Smooth, so manipulative, she can make anyone believe

anything, she told lawyers that she's been suffering from post pardem, she

said that I have diagnosed her with BPD and that I am telling everyone she is

sick, mentally ill. FIrst of all she is. But see how smart she is, she know's

her records are confidential. so she can claim whatever she wants. I have

never witnessed with my own eyes someone so sick and the evil that stares out

of her eyes is unbearable. I have never abused my daughter, I have always

protected her and kept her safe. I have always put her first above even my

husband and at time ( most time) my own son. I have stuck up for her, I told

her everyday that I loved her. I mean everyday..never missing a day. We have

always been very affectioonate. But not abusive, ever, her dad abandoned her

when she was little, he had drug and alcohol problems and took her to a

babysitter where I think things happened to her, but i was going through a

divorce and if you knew that story you would have divorced to. BPD husband. I

have spent my whole life trying, killing myself, beating myself up, trying to

do everything humanly possible to make up for what she has missed in her dad

and been through. ANd she see's me as the complete evil one, who deserves to

die. And I think if I did, she would be happy and celebrate, Go see a

therapist, i have I have an HMO and they are a joke, I asked my therapist for

help in protecting the baby, she said i'm sorry I cannot help you. Her

therapy and what goes on with her is confidential. There is no help. I called

my church to ask for help , they never returned my call. I called crisis

hotline, and they said go to the police. who sent me away. In fact they

didn't even show a record of going out to her boyfriends friday night and

picking her up for attempted suicide. Which they didn't take her to the

hospital. THIS FOLKS IS CALIFORINA. Parents of sick kids have no rights.

Grandparents have no rights when it comes to protecting their grandchildren.

It to much. Unbearable. And I know that none of you can help me. There is

nothing anyone can do... no one...My mom says pray Donna, Pray... I have

prayed for so long, and I don't think he's hearing my prayer. And then there

is the guilt I feel while I am reaching out over what is happening withme.

The united states is in mournig the loss of so many. I am so sad by what is

happening. I am a non, but I think that the longer , the years I have been

manipulated and control by my daughter and he BPD, is making me sick to. That

makes me want to say enough. I don't know what to do next.. if anything

happens to my grandson, I don't think I will be able to take it. I am not

doing well with this at all. Please reply. And please don't attck me I don't

think I could take it. I have been trying so hard to lay limits and boundries

just lately, and then she saw what was happening and took the upper hand. SHe

saw me getting strong, and then brought me to my knees. Thanks for listening

donna

September 13, 2001

Donna, I can relate to Everything you wrote about with your relationship with

your daughter, except for attempting suicide recently. (she did that three

times in her teens). She lived with me and her 2 yr. old daughter until 2

months ago. She moved in with her boyfriend.

I watched my grandaughter over 50 hrs. a week. She called me every name you

could think of whenever we disagreed on anything. She threatened that I would

never see my grandaughter again if I disagreed with her. The last time she

did that was 3 weeks agao. I didn't call her for 4 days. I was devistated. I

missed my grandaughter so much, the pain was almost unbearable.....but....she

did call me, and told me she could not afford day care, and begged me to

watch the baby. Of course I said yes. Well the relationship, since then, has

been better. Stick to your guns, pray, pray, pray, and I bet she will be

calling you real soon.

Good luck,

Patty

September 13, 2001

Donna:

Your letter is heartbreaking, not because of what your daughter or grandson

are going through, but because of the obvious pain you are in. My heart goes

out to you and your husband.

Remember, Donna, your daughter has a disease. This disease causes her to do

and say things to hurt you. IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU DESERVE IT. You must take a

breath and sit down and say " I did the best I could " . That's all you can do.

You cannot change your daughter. You cannot change the fact that she took

your grandson. But you CAN understand that the cause is NOT anything that

you did or that you didn't do. The cause is your daughter's disease.

Your daughter may threaten to take your grandson away forever, but be

patient. My BPD daughter is SO changeable - one day she hates me and the

next day she is my best friend. So sit tight and just be patient. I think

you'll find your daughter coming back to you because she needs something --

money? a babysitter? whatever. With a BPD, tomorrow may very well be the

opposite of today. Don't give up hope about seeing your grandson.

And now - how about doing something for yourself or for you and your

husband? Put your daughter aside for a few hours (I know how tough that

is!). Concentrate on something GOOD in your life. Focus on positive things

or things you enjoy for at least a little while. Watch a movie or weed your

garden or play Yahtzee or refill your bird feeder or bake your favorite

cake -- SOMETHING that has some positive feeling for you to let your mind

focus on something other than your daughter. Even if it's just 5 minutes,

please try to take time to do something to get your mind somewhere else and

somewhere that feels good. Make conscious choices to focus on SOMETHING

POSITIVE. Something that will help you " escape " for a bit -- a good book? a

video? a poem you used to love? an old love letter? Find something that will

make you smile.

Understand, too, that your daughter's difficulties are no reflection on YOU.

I am a terrific Mom but for a two year period my daughter almost succeeded

in making me feel like the world's worst mom. It can be so so difficult to

not succumb to this. But you CAN. But it depends on you being willing to

focus on things OTHER than your daughter. You have to work at it. You have

to say " I want to be happy again " and you have to force yourself to practice

things that make you happy or at least that keep your mind focused on

something other than your daughter.

Take care, Donna. Take care of you. Do whatever you need to do to take care

of YOU. If you want to email me privately, I will be happy to swap emails

with you during this difficult period you are having.

Warm regards,

Joan J

so much pain

Sorry last nights post was so bad for spelling. I am very upset.. My

daughter