Re: Dealing with Anger

[Guest guest]

Norma -

My blood pressure spiked when I read how your dad tossed out the pie

so you wouldn't eat it. This is exactly why 'diet mentality' doesn't

work - its all so NEGATIVE - DON'T eat this/then/so much etc. All

EXternal dictates and NO respect for another person being in charge of

their own body. No wonder our hunger signals get pushed aside and

skewed - we have abandoned them to please OTHERS - grrrr.

What to do is not so clear cut and simple. I assume that living in

your parents house = living under 'their rules/ways' and you wisely

note that they are not about to change. However, if you could think of

it, maybe telling your dad that his 'good intentions' regarding

removing that pie backfires for you in that all that does is make you

want it MORE. Its like the old gag about trying to not think about

pie. Yes go ahead, now DON'T think about pie. What are you thinking

about - it better not be about PIE! And of course all you can think

about IS pie.

Keep us posted on how you are feeling and what your reactions are

related to your IE journey. And I wish you the best wishes for finding

a way to let your parents know that you are seriously giving IE a

chance to work FOR you and so appreciate their support, even if they

can't really understand it. (ma you can cut the apron strings now ;-)

Katcha

>

> I hope all of your Thanksgiving Holidays were fun! : )

>

> So I recently quit my job to attend graduate school full - time.

> Along with this I also decided moving back in with my parents would

> make more financial sense.

>

> I love my parents, and have enjoyed being back home. But the food

> issues that were easy to ignore while living alone are not any more.

> I am now facing the same conflicts and issues that partially

> contributed to my food/eating struggles. I have found myself feeling

> overly emotional, vulnerable and angry.

>

> So I am hoping to channel all of these emotionals in a more effective

> manner. I also have to keep in mind that I love my parents, they will

> not change but I need to.

>

> For example I am thinking of just now when my mom asked where the pie

> was and my dad said he threw it out so we wouldn't all eat it. Agh,

> that made me so angry! My inner rebel came out. The same rebel that

> has encouraged me to binge in secret. Who is he to decide what I can

> eat? I felt like he was yelling " your fat, i am watching and you

> better start eating less " ...

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

> Any advice? : )

>

[Guest guest]

Well...

I live at home with my parents. (I moved back home because mom has some health problems and needed help.) I'll be bluntly honest with you when I say there are no easy solutions on this one. In my house, my parents are from a generation of clean plates and stress eating. And I'm not going to change them. What I have realized now is that it's not my job to change them. My only job at this point in my life is to make the best choices for me.

So I'm curious when you say that financially this is the best move for you. Does that mean that you "have" to eat all your meals with your family, or can you be fluid with them and let your hunger dictate them? This has been the greatest liberator for me. My mom thinks I'm a little kooky now, but then again I've always been the kooky kid... lol... If I'm experience true hunger when they are eating, then I will eat with them. If I'm not, then I'll think about a couple of things. If it's a food I really enjoy I may have a small portion of it for the taste and texture. Then again I may wait until later so that I can experience it fully. That's the joy of my mom cooking. There are always leftovers and I can rest assured knowing there is always food to eat, when I want to eat it.

As far as the emotional part of things and the words and feelings... that's not so easy. And never will be. I'm not good at talking back to my parents. I was the youngest of six kids and never had a voice. I was always talked over at the dinner table and ignored in many family discussions, and even now, as being too young, or just not knowing what I'm talking about. I don't think my siblings realize how frusterating that is even now at the age of 27. But that's them, not me. I can't change them, and unfornately we can't change our parents. We can only cope with how they present.

So... I journal. A LOT. Even if it's only for a few minutes. I might journal six to eight times in a day if it's a tough one. And the journal entry may only be a few lines long, but it's enough to get my thoughts and anger, confusion, questions, whatever, out on paper. The other big one for me is exercise. I'd rather pound the pavement than my body at this point. That one is a win-win situation. I'm giving myself time to feel my emotions and I'm also getting some movement in.

With time, you will find your own answers. The best answer for me when I moved home was finding a good friend who would listen to me complain, and also a good therapist who understood that at this point I needed to move home, but helped me work with how to live there and still be successful.

Hope this helps!

Amy

Amy

[Guest guest]

I think your family is short sheeting themselves by not listening to

YOU Amy I read lots of wisdom and heart in your lovely post(s).

Thank you for being here with us and sharing too.

ehugs, Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> Well...

>

> I live at home with my parents.  (I moved back home because mom has

some health problems and needed help.)  I'll be bluntly honest with

you when I say there are no easy solutions on this one.  In my house,

my parents are from a generation of clean plates and stress eating. 

And I'm not going to change them.  What I have realized now is that

it's not my job to change them.  My only job at this point in my life

is to make the best choices for me. 

>

> So I'm curious when you say that financially this is the best move

for you.  Does that mean that you  " have " to eat all your meals with

your family, or can you be fluid with them and let your hunger dictate

them?  This has been the greatest liberator for me.  My mom thinks I'm

a little kooky now, but then again I've always been the kooky kid... 

lol...  If I'm experience true hunger when they are eating, then I

will eat with them.  If I'm not, then I'll think about a couple of

things.  If it's a food I really enjoy I may have a small portion of

it for the taste and texture.  Then again I may wait until later so

that I can experience it fully.  That's the joy of my mom cooking. 

There are always leftovers and I can rest assured knowing there is

always food to eat, when I want to eat it.   

>

> As far as the emotional part of things and the words and feelings...

that's not so easy.  And never will be.  I'm not good at talking back

to my parents.  I was the youngest of six kids and never had a voice. 

I was always talked over at the dinner table and ignored in many

family discussions, and even now, as being too young, or just not

knowing what I'm talking about.  I don't think my siblings realize how

frusterating that is even now at the age of 27.  But that's them, not

me.  I can't change them, and unfornately we can't change our

parents.  We can only cope with how they present.

>

> So... I journal.  A LOT.  Even if it's only for a few minutes.  I

might journal six to eight times in a day if it's a tough one.  And

the journal entry may only be a few lines long, but it's enough to get

my thoughts and anger, confusion, questions, whatever, out on paper. 

The other big one for me is exercise.  I'd rather pound the pavement

than my body at this point.  That one is a win-win situation.  I'm

giving myself time to feel my emotions and I'm also getting some

movement in.

>

> With time, you will find your own answers.  The best answer for me

when I moved home was finding a good friend who would listen to me

complain, and also a good therapist who understood that at this point

I needed to move home, but helped me work with how to live there and

still be successful.

>

> Hope this helps!

> Amy       

>  

>

> Amy

>

[Guest guest]

I am SO glad you got angry by that too! For too long I have believed

others when they said I was overly sensitive.

Since I have focused on IE I have been amazed at how expressions that

enforce ignoring hunger cues are so common... Like there are hungry

children in Africa who would love to have that food so clean your

plate!

For years now I have had discussions with my parents about this

issue. To be honest I have not revealed how deep my struggle with

food is. They have an idea but I really do not think they understand

how large of a role it has played. I have avoided having that blunt

discussion with them because they really are great parents and

sacrificed a lot for me. I know telling them how much pain I hold

with me (some of it directly from things they have done) would make

them feel awful. It is the caregiver in me but I really can't do it.

To publically admit that I have issues with food is just too much for

me. I just feel too vulnerable opening myself up like that. I know

differently but I can not help but feel my food issues are a serious

weakness of mine.

Anyway my parents do mean well... They view weight and food as a

simple thing. Just eat less. Now that I am older I can see how my

family's history with weight gain and anxiety are also huge

contributors.

But they fail to understand how food and weight have been so

ingrained in my sense of self-worth. All discussions we have had

revolve around me saying how their actions hurt my feelings and I

need space and they responding with We love you, and want you to be

healthy... Its just a giant circle.

So basically I have realized I need to change my ways but I can not

change them.

Last night I did not feel comfortable voicing my anger so I reverted

to the one way I knew I could retaliate with; binging. Its almost

like my silent way of screaming back. But I also knew if I did binge

in secret later that night its not changing anything. I won't be any

closer to where I want to be. So then I tried to think about my body

and how I felt. From there I realized that I was still pretty stuffed

from Thanksgiving leftovers and really did not need dessert. But I

still craved it because I have the habit of nighttime sweet snacking.

So instead I grabbed a diet root beer and sipped that while watching

t.v.

Somehow an hour later I actually felt fine. I think finally not

reacting to my Dad's comments and instead listening to myself and

what I wanted helped alot. Also accepting that I can't take

responsibility for trying to change everyone.

In the past binging as a reaction to these comments just made the

situation worse because I was reacting to someones elses hurtful

comments but I was really hurting myself.

Thanks for all your replies!

- K

>

> What to do is not so clear cut and simple. I assume that living in

> your parents house = living under 'their rules/ways' and you wisely

> note that they are not about to change. However, if you could think

of

> it, maybe telling your dad that his 'good intentions' regarding

> removing that pie backfires for you in that all that does is make

you

> want it MORE. Its like the old gag about trying to not think about

> pie. Yes go ahead, now DON'T think about pie. What are you thinking

> about - it better not be about PIE! And of course all you can think

> about IS pie.

>

> Keep us posted on how you are feeling and what your reactions are

> related to your IE journey. And I wish you the best wishes for

finding

> a way to let your parents know that you are seriously giving IE a

> chance to work FOR you and so appreciate their support, even if they

> can't really understand it. (ma you can cut the apron strings now ;-

)

>

> Katcha

>

>

> >

> > I hope all of your Thanksgiving Holidays were fun! : )

> >

> > So I recently quit my job to attend graduate school full - time.

> > Along with this I also decided moving back in with my parents

would

> > make more financial sense.

> >

> > I love my parents, and have enjoyed being back home. But the food

> > issues that were easy to ignore while living alone are not any

more.

> > I am now facing the same conflicts and issues that partially

> > contributed to my food/eating struggles. I have found myself

feeling

> > overly emotional, vulnerable and angry.

> >

> > So I am hoping to channel all of these emotionals in a more

effective

> > manner. I also have to keep in mind that I love my parents, they

will

> > not change but I need to.

> >

> > For example I am thinking of just now when my mom asked where the

pie

> > was and my dad said he threw it out so we wouldn't all eat it.

Agh,

> > that made me so angry! My inner rebel came out. The same rebel

that

> > has encouraged me to binge in secret. Who is he to decide what I

can

> > eat? I felt like he was yelling " your fat, i am watching and you

> > better start eating less " ...

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> >

> > Any advice? : )

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your response! It is nice to hear someone elses similar

experience.

Only recently have I finally realized how my caregiver nature has

been apart of the foundation for my disordered eating. You are so

right... I can not take responsibility for changing other people, I

can only do that for myself. And apart of my happiness should and can

not be based on other people being a certain way.

One of the things I am trying to work on right now is battling the

habit of ritual meal times. I am trying to focus on IE rather than

eating because it is breakfast time. I am surprised how hard it is to

break that habit... especially when you live at home. : )

But I am going to take your advice and only eat my mother's meals if

I am hungry.

I am also very bad at talking back to my parents. Mostly because I am

passive aggressive and do not want to make anyone angry at me or feel

hurt... Even if it must be done at the sake of my own emotions. That

is also apart of the reason why I eat my mom's meals even if I am not

hungry. To not eat sometimes starts questions like did you eat junk

food at work? My nature is to avoid conflict and complications. ; )

But I think its time I start honoring myself rather than

situations/people.

Plus my fear of conflict sometimes over - dramatizes possible

situations in my head. Like I think of possible outcomes that

sometimes don't even happen when I finally muster the courage to do

something. But other times I am right on.

I have found that this group has helped me ALOT. I am so glad I found

it! I am amazed at how talking things through is so effective.

Thanks!

- K

>

> So I'm curious when you say that financially this is the best move

for you.  Does that mean that you  " have " to eat all your meals with

your family, or can you be fluid with them and let your hunger

dictate them?  This has been the greatest liberator for me.  My mom

thinks I'm a little kooky now, but then again I've always been the

kooky kid...  lol...  If I'm experience true hunger when they

are eating, then I will eat with them.  If I'm not, then I'll think

about a couple of things.  If it's a food I really enjoy I may have a

small portion of it for the taste and texture.  Then again I may wait

until later so that I can experience it fully.  That's the joy of my

mom cooking.  There are always leftovers and I can rest assured

knowing there is always food to eat, when I want to eat it.   

>

>

> So... I journal.  A LOT.  Even if it's only for a few minutes.  I

might journal six to eight times in a day if it's a tough one.  And

the journal entry may only be a few lines long, but it's enough to

get my thoughts and anger, confusion, questions, whatever, out on

paper.  The other big one for me is exercise.  I'd rather pound the

pavement than my body at this point.  That one is a win-win

situation.  I'm giving myself time to feel my emotions and I'm also

getting some movement in.

>

> With time, you will find your own answers.  The best answer for me

when I moved home was finding a good friend who would listen to me

complain, and also a good therapist who understood that at this point

I needed to move home, but helped me work with how to live there and

still be successful.

>

> Hope this helps!

> Amy       

>  

>

> Amy

>