Dawn inspired

[Guest guest]

Reading you, Dawn, as if from your journal, inspires me to write as well. I can see whereit would be helpful. I thank you for doing that, it really helps the readers, I think, if anyone is like me and being helped by what you and others write.I used to count calories, lost weight doing it, ate whatever I wanted as long as I countedthe calories of it. Then I didn't want to count calories any more. I didn't want to weigh and measure food. I didn't want to go to various sites to see what the calorie per servingwas. I didn't want to limit what I could eat to whether I knew what the calorie count was.I didn't want to go through every single ingredient of a recipe to get the calorie count perserving or not eat it at all. I didn't want to any more. There was really no where else to go because

every thing was either counting and measuring or limited to certain foods only. I could not see my self doing that forever!And there were times when I went out to dinner that I "simply" eye balled the plateand figured what the calorie count must be as I moved food around on the plate toportion the meal out.I wanted to make peace with food and with my body. I want to. Not there yet butI am moving in that direction.Being here, having my books now, reading on line, the "seed is planted" and using that figuratively, I now water and fertilize the seed, make sure it has enough lightand expect it to grow for an eventual harvest that will continue to feed me and give me life. But I know I must do my part, I cannot neglect this new life that isin the seed.Someone said baby steps, that is a good figure as well. It is happening. My eatingis beginning to settle down. I go back and forth with my diet

mentality but thenremind my self not to go there. I can see making IE another diet because that iswhat food has been to me since age 12 (first diet). Then there is the late night eating. What is it? what does it mean? what does itrepresent?My challenge is the comfort part. At night. I get great comfort at noshing awayat night and being sedated by the food. I am by my self and I am nurturing andcomforting my self. It makes me gain weight. Eating a lot at bedtime. I've alwayshad a snack at bedtime, a small one, but this is different. This is purposeful. This is self mothering, with a plate of cookies. Do I need to stop it? or finda different way to self mother? and what would a different way be? I think of theBetty Crocker image of a mom with an apron on, warm and welcoming andsmiling, while holding a tray of cookies or presiding over a table laded with a feast of food in a sunny happy kitchen.

Being cared for, taken care of. Beingpampered. No one does that for me. Where is my lap to lay my head on whilemy hair is petted and caressed? I do it with food. Sweet food. But it is killing me.It kills my body and organs. Such a shame! To have to give up those moments.But it is a fantasy. There is no Betty Crocker mom smiling and lovingly holdinga plate of cookies. I have to find something else that will make me feel nurturedwithout killing me. If I take this away, I need to replace it with something else.But what? I'm not sure. Or will I be just fine without it all together? My late nighteating. Lots to think about.