Guest guest Posted September 18, 2008 Report Share Posted September 18, 2008 Hi Shar_ley, Wish I could give you a big ol' hug. I can completely relate to everything you wrote. I admire your honesty and clarity in expressing these complex feelings and thoughts. I have felt this way for most of my life. I can " put on a show " and be all smiles and the life of the party, but that is to hide the REAL me who is secretly freaking out underneath it all and would love to run out of the room and go home and numb out with food. I noticed just a few weeks into Intuitive Eating that these feelings started to genuinely diminish. I had to meet two friends for dinner, people I had not seen for a year, and I actually did not dread going to meet them even though I knew I was even fatter than the last time I met them. I even posted about it a couple of months ago, saying how I didn't even feel the need to stop for a mini-meal en route which I normally would have done in the past to " fortify " myself. In fact, as soon as I arrived, I said, " I am hungry! Let's get moving and head to the restaurant. " They tittered in amusement, but I didn't care and I wasn't embarrassed. Well, maybe I was a little embarrassed but I felt okay about myself and I was not ashamed to admit I was hungry and needed to eat. I also had an interesting experience in July. I stayed at a resort casino for a whole week. The first few days, I did very well, intuitive eating wise. I also enjoyed my stay, walking around the shops, checking out different restaurants, feeling happy, sociable. Then I had an " encounter " with a box of Godiva chocolates. Intuitive eating went right out the window and I felt really out of control, eating far many more chocolates at each sitting than I intended. I noticed almost immediately that my feelings of self-loathing and hateful self-talk started up as soon as I started bingeing on the chocolate. And the next day, I had to really force myself to leave my room. I felt like people were staring at me and looking down at me and like I was the scum of the earth. I was very much aware of these feelings because, thanks to Intuitive Eating, I had not felt that way for a few months for the first time in my life. But bingeing on one box of chocolates brought them back with a vengeance. Hang in there, Shar_ley. I am sure you, too, will find these thoughts losing their grip on you over time as you continue to practice intuitive eating. Our friends already love us for who we are. With the help of intuitive eating, we eventually will learn to love ourselves too. Best wishes, > > I want to hug my self from the hurt or is it confusion? or I don't know... but > 2 things that send me foraging is being with people and being denied foods. > > Diets from times past cause me to want to have foods denied, that is the > lesser pain and really one that I am having some success with changing, > but the other thing: being around people just " kills " me. I put on a face and > am sociable, no one would guess I am straining to run back to my " cave " . > > I feel good and happy and positive and make plans to be with someone and > it's all good- then I start feeling the fear and loathing of being around any one. > I feel my self wanting to stuff; wanting to cancel the engagement, wanting to > not go, wanting to dive back into being alone, escape. I have friends who want > to be with me, who seek me out, who try to plan something with me and I feel > myself pulling away, I'm not ready, I'm not prepared, I'm not looking thinner, > I'm exposed, I'm having a fat day or I have one or I am not sure but I might > then I'll look puffy and won't want to be seen yet eat knowing this will happen. > > It confuses and saddens me that I do this. I can plan something on a good day > but not be sure I'll make it til then before I (over) eat, and maybe just making > plans makes me over eat- sabotaging the plans and not wanting to be seen, > not feeling thin enough to be seen, not a few pounds down enough to be seen, > or making it so, in order to not be seen. I am not sure what comes first!! And > I just want to be left alone, doors shut, phone turned off. It is really painful to > do this. I put off happy, like it makes me uncomfortable. I put off so much, > next week I'll look better, next week I'll have lost a few, next week I'll feel > better; next week turns into months...... sigh. This is the one that sticks me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 18, 2008 Report Share Posted September 18, 2008 Shar_Ley, how frightful and unhappy making an event that must be for you. Are you feeling pulled between being with people and not being 'presentable'? If so, I wonder where the 'not looking good enough' feelings come from for you? Who's face do you picture on that little gremlin that is whispering that negative assessment in your ear? And can you also picture the little child you were being told that too? Many times these feelings are OLD ones and deeply based in your past. They don't like coming out of hiding any more than you want to 'see' them ;-) And they don't go away by 'eating' them as you well know. How about throwing a 'pie' at them next time they haunt you? That way you can have your 'pie' and throw it too - LOL! Seriously, I do hope you can make a connection between what is nibbling at you so that you nibble around as a result. Your being aware of this feeling is an excellent start Best to you - Katcha IEing since March 2007 > > I want to hug my self from the hurt or is it confusion? or I don't know... but > 2 things that send me foraging is being with people and being denied foods. > > Diets from times past cause me to want to have foods denied, that is the > lesser pain and really one that I am having some success with changing, > but the other thing: being around people just " kills " me. I put on a face and > am sociable, no one would guess I am straining to run back to my " cave " . > > I feel good and happy and positive and make plans to be with someone and > it's all good- then I start feeling the fear and loathing of being around any one. > I feel my self wanting to stuff; wanting to cancel the engagement, wanting to > not go, wanting to dive back into being alone, escape. I have friends who want > to be with me, who seek me out, who try to plan something with me and I feel > myself pulling away, I'm not ready, I'm not prepared, I'm not looking thinner, > I'm exposed, I'm having a fat day or I have one or I am not sure but I might > then I'll look puffy and won't want to be seen yet eat knowing this will happen. > > It confuses and saddens me that I do this. I can plan something on a good day > but not be sure I'll make it til then before I (over) eat, and maybe just making > plans makes me over eat- sabotaging the plans and not wanting to be seen, > not feeling thin enough to be seen, not a few pounds down enough to be seen, > or making it so, in order to not be seen. I am not sure what comes first!! And > I just want to be left alone, doors shut, phone turned off. It is really painful to > do this. I put off happy, like it makes me uncomfortable. I put off so much, > next week I'll look better, next week I'll have lost a few, next week I'll feel > better; next week turns into months...... sigh. This is the one that sticks me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 18, 2008 Report Share Posted September 18, 2008 Hi Shar ley I can relate to your triggers, people is one of my biggest triggers. Someone here said to me: focus on people, not on the food, and it helped a little. For me what works is to ask a lot of questions to people, they love to talk about themselves... Please hang in there Nat with a new email My food triggers I want to hug my self from the hurt or is it confusion? or I don't know... but2 things that send me foraging is being with people and being denied foods.Diets from times past cause me to want to have foods denied, that is thelesser pain and really one that I am having some success with changing, but the other thing: being around people just "kills" me. I put on a face and am sociable, no one would guess I am straining to run back to my "cave".I feel good and happy and positive and make plans to be with someone andit's all good- then I start feeling the fear and loathing of being around any one. I feel my self wanting to stuff; wanting to cancel the engagement, wanting tonot go, wanting to dive back into being alone, escape. I have friends who wantto be with me, who seek me out, who try to plan something with me and I feelmyself pulling away, I'm not ready, I'm not prepared, I'm not looking thinner,I'm exposed, I'm having a fat day or I have one or I am not sure but I mightthen I'll look puffy and won't want to be seen yet eat knowing this will happen.It confuses and saddens me that I do this. I can plan something on a good daybut not be sure I'll make it til then before I (over) eat, and maybe just makingplans makes me over eat- sabotaging the plans and not wanting to be seen,not feeling thin enough to be seen, not a few pounds down enough to be seen,or making it so, in order to not be seen. I am not sure what comes first!! And I just want to be left alone, doors shut, phone turned off. It is really painful todo this. I put off happy, like it makes me uncomfortable. I put off so much,next week I'll look better, next week I'll have lost a few, next week I'll feelbetter; next week turns into months...... sigh. This is the one that sticks me. Looking for the perfect gift? Give the gift of Flickr! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 18, 2008 Report Share Posted September 18, 2008 (((Sharley))) Oh boy...I am right there with you and I don't understand it either. dawnz > > I want to hug my self from the hurt or is it confusion? or I don't know... but > 2 things that send me foraging is being with people and being denied foods. > > Diets from times past cause me to want to have foods denied, that is the > lesser pain and really one that I am having some success with changing, > but the other thing: being around people just " kills " me. I put on a face and > am sociable, no one would guess I am straining to run back to my " cave " . > > I feel good and happy and positive and make plans to be with someone and > it's all good- then I start feeling the fear and loathing of being around any one. > I feel my self wanting to stuff; wanting to cancel the engagement, wanting to > not go, wanting to dive back into being alone, escape. I have friends who want > to be with me, who seek me out, who try to plan something with me and I feel > myself pulling away, I'm not ready, I'm not prepared, I'm not looking thinner, > I'm exposed, I'm having a fat day or I have one or I am not sure but I might > then I'll look puffy and won't want to be seen yet eat knowing this will happen. > > It confuses and saddens me that I do this. I can plan something on a good day > but not be sure I'll make it til then before I (over) eat, and maybe just making > plans makes me over eat- sabotaging the plans and not wanting to be seen, > not feeling thin enough to be seen, not a few pounds down enough to be seen, > or making it so, in order to not be seen. I am not sure what comes first!! And > I just want to be left alone, doors shut, phone turned off. It is really painful to > do this. I put off happy, like it makes me uncomfortable. I put off so much, > next week I'll look better, next week I'll have lost a few, next week I'll feel > better; next week turns into months...... sigh. This is the one that sticks me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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