a slave to my disorder

[Guest guest]

well, i can't believe i actually did it. i went back to the doctor

after more than 3 years with no medical care, just because i couldnt

take being stiff and in pain all the time. what used to be unbearable

has become the commonplace and the new unbearable is just getting to

be too much. i cannot believe that the first thing this man wants

from me as a 30 day symptom journal. not a pain journal....a symptom

journal. for 30 days i am to be a slave to my disorders, timing and

writing down every little thing that bothers me, from the numbness in

my arms overnite to how many times i urinate during the day. i have

no illusions about myself--i know that i will never complete this

journal. i have 3 teenagers living at home, who has time to spend all

day writing in a journal? nothing would ever get done. i have

decided just to toss the whole idea of ever getting my ssd approved

and go back to work. this mess of a disease has cost me 3 homes. i

am not about to lose another one just because someone who thinks they

know more about me than i know about myself is sitting in judgement on

a power trip. if i am to have any quality of life, i am going to have

to operate as if i didnt have this damm disorder at all and the

analgesic companies are going to love me. i take a full 100 count

bottle of advil every 2 or 3 days just to get through the day to day

stuff. my ulcer just loves it, but at least i can move. does this

jerk really think i am going to tell him that i didnt get dressed

today because my husband went to work and wasnt here to help me do it?

that i came to the appointment in my slippers because i cant get my

shoes tied without help today? they already laugh at me over there

because i cant drive after dark anymore and i am not even 40. too bad

i dont live in a more urban area, where i would have a choice where i

go to the dr. i am stuck in a rural area where there is only 1

choice. 4 locations, but still the same doctors everywhere, with the

same ridicule. i totally give up. what is the point of trying to

work with them when they hand me retarded assignments like this just

to get me out of the office. he didnt want to talk about what was

hurting that minute, so he found a way to blame it on me. yes, i am

overweight. i am overweight because i can no longer function

correctly. i eat less than 800 calories per day and cannot lose any

weight because the one thing they want me to do is the thing i cannot

do. i cannot under any circumstances walk for 4 miles a day. not

physically possible and i am just tired of fighting them. after all,

this is all in my head anyway, right??......................