My food triggers

[Guest guest]

I want to hug my self from the hurt or is it confusion? or I don't know... but2 things that send me foraging is being with people and being denied foods.Diets from times past cause me to want to have foods denied, that is thelesser pain and really one that I am having some success with changing, but the other thing: being around people just "kills" me. I put on a face and am sociable, no one would guess I am straining to run back to my "cave".I feel good and happy and positive and make plans to be with someone andit's all good- then I start feeling the fear and loathing of being around any one. I feel my self wanting to stuff; wanting to cancel the engagement, wanting tonot go, wanting to dive back into being alone, escape. I have friends who wantto be with me, who seek me out, who try to plan something with

me and I feelmyself pulling away, I'm not ready, I'm not prepared, I'm not looking thinner,I'm exposed, I'm having a fat day or I have one or I am not sure but I mightthen I'll look puffy and won't want to be seen yet eat knowing this will happen.It confuses and saddens me that I do this. I can plan something on a good daybut not be sure I'll make it til then before I (over) eat, and maybe just makingplans makes me over eat- sabotaging the plans and not wanting to be seen,not feeling thin enough to be seen, not a few pounds down enough to be seen,or making it so, in order to not be seen. I am not sure what comes first!! And I just want to be left alone, doors shut, phone turned off. It is really painful todo this. I put off happy, like it makes me uncomfortable. I put off so much,next week I'll look better, next week I'll have lost a few, next week I'll feelbetter; next week turns into months......

sigh. This is the one that sticks me.