Re: Having a difficult time being gentle w/self...

[Guest guest]

Hi Marla,

I´m afraid I dont have any terribly wise thoughts to share, but I think you might remind yourself that you did the best you could under the circumstances. both in terms of taking care of yourself (and your children) as well as your mom.

i think when you beat yourself up that only makes things worse. i really believe we do the best we can. you were in a tough situation!

i am traveling with my mom right now, for the first time since i was a child (and the rest of the family was along) and i was extremely anxious beforehand about how it would be, and even now i worry.

a friend gave me some advice that is helping me. he said that when you struggle with the current situation, it is because the present differs from your expectations of what it SHOULD be. or what you wish it would be. but that if you seek acceptance of what IS, you will have an easier time.

i dont know if this speaks to you at all, but i thought it was worth a shot.

good luck, and hopefully this doesnt make you feel any worse!

abby

ps my mom herself has a great line that helps me sometimes... ÿour family doesn´t just push your buttons, they created them!

Warning: THIS IS FAIRLY LONG!My mother just left after a week-long visit and I feel kind of awful. She is one of the biggest sources of negativity for my psyche, self-worth, and overall food/weight issues. If she doesn't

comment on what I'm eating or the amount, I know she is thinking it. She comments on everyone's weight and so-called " well-being " whenever they aren't present, so I'm sure she does it with me, as well. This

bothers me immensely (sp?) and I'm having a difficult time shaking it.Anticipating her visit, I tried to " prepare " myself for it. I'm not so sure it did any good. I started restricting immediately and

continued to get angry with myself about it. I got terribly angry with her for being the kind of person she is--negative and degrading. Of course, she isn't always this way--I just happen to hone in on it and dwell on the negative, which, of course, angered me

that I even did that!I tried to dress well and feel good about myself, but I think I was doing it more for her than me...I continued to wait for either a negative comment or--GASP!--a compliment of some sort. I've always

wanted and needed to receive compliments from my mother, and it rarely happens. She can say that a piece of art or music is beautiful; she can even say that a plate of food is beautiful; she cannot say that I or any of my children are beautiful. Ever. Why

the hell not? It just hurts. Why can't I deal with this and move one so I can enjoy her while she's on this earth with us? She is in her mid-70s and I just beat myself up for acting the way I do around

her. I don't even think talking with her about any of this will do either of us any good. It will make her defensive and me just feel like an idiot for mentioning it. Plus, I just cry when I get mad, which makes her think I'm weak. I'm always " over-reacting " to

things. So. I have to handle/deal with this on my end and go from there. It sure doesn't help that I'm PMS-ing, either. All of those emotions are just multiplied by 100 or so. Plus, my youngest daughter is struggling with the pukes, so I've been entrenched in her

care these past few days. Fortunately, I have an extremely supportive husband and best girlfriend to lean on. My therapist and nutrition counselor are out of their offices for the rest of the week, of course.

Anyway. I deprived myself of some good food; I couldn't truly savor much of anything, because I was so focused on watching what and how much I ate. If she didn't comment on my eating, she made references

to how I was doing the wrong thing/s for my children. Or, worse yet--she would comment on what or the amount of food my children ate! I'm rambling, I know, but this is my journal of sorts. I need to get

all of this out and get back to being gentle to myself. Thank you so much for your understanding and your shoulders. I am so grateful for this forum and all of the members here. It's a great outlet for me to write and be " heard " --and to read what similar

things other people have to deal with.Warmest regards,marla in charlottesville, va

[Guest guest]

Marla,

It's over and you're ok! Being gentle with yourself is definitely

the best medicine. It feels like you've felt sort of bombarded for

the past few days and a good weeping spell is totally

understandable. Wow, you did all you could...you tried to prepare

yourself, you dressed your self to feel good, you've tried to think

of ways to make your relationship with her better. Even if you don't

think that your efforts did any good...they did for you. Your anger

makes sense to me, it sounds like your mom felt an uncontrollable

urge to " help " you in a twisted way that crossed your personal

boundaries repeatedly. I agree, I don't think a direct talking

approach will work and she probably will just get defensive...that's

what my mom does too.

For years, I refused to cry in front of my mother because of a

similar understanding...she does think crying is a sign of weakness.

I even thought that crying was a sign of weakness...a belief that I

inherited from her and the rest of our family. I would hold the

tears in and in some way punish myself with food. I learned a great

lesson from one of my best girlfriends about the authenticity of

emotions. My crying is a release...a release of the pressure, pain,

and hurt. Actually, the first time I cried around my mom, she

completely went silent, other times she's apologized and backed

off...which is really funny in retrospect. Lately, she's tried

ridicule as a way to get me to stop. It's more ok for me to cry now,

because I've learned how to hold myself.

There's an inner strength that we gain, which your mother may never

experience, as we learn how to be gentle with ourselves and accept

our selves and our bodies as they are. You've gained some wisdom and

knowledge from this experience that will help you going forward.

Your intuition and inner knowing will continue to guide and support

you in the next steps in take in your life and in your relationship

with mom.

Sending you lots of hugs,

Latoya

I need to get all of this out and get back to being gentle to

myself.

>

Thank you so much for your understanding and your shoulders. I am

so grateful for this forum and all of the members here. It's a

great outlet for me to write and be " heard " --and to read what

similar things other people have to deal with.

> Warmest regards,

> marla in charlottesville, va

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry you had such a difficult time with your mom visiting. I can totally relate! My mother is always making comments about how much somebody ate or how big they are. I was dreading going home for Christmas but it wasn't that bad.

She did make some comments about my weight though. The first was Christmas evening...we had to go to my grandmothers because she called and couldn't get into bed on her own. My grandmother is 91 and is a very big woman. Mom had to call my uncle to come and move her in the bed because we couldn't. I felt embarrased for my grandmother...that would be so humilating. Anyway...on the drive home my mother said "Don't let yourself get that big." Then when we got home she said to Dad "I told her to go on a diet. She needs to lose some weight...she's getting too big again." I was fuming but I calmed myself down by telling myself "You have eating issues...you are working on them...don't let her comments get to you." And it worked.

The next morning when I got up she told me I only needed 1 piece of toast for breakfast. "you need to cut back, etc." It was kinda funny to me though because I really wasn't hungry that morning so one piece of toast was just right. So I thought "ha ha the joke's on you because I wasn't gonna eat much anyway."

The ironic part is that she tells me this stuff but then she will get out a bag of chips for me to eat! It doesn't make any sense and I have stopped trying to analyze her actions.

I've come to realize that she's never going to stop making comments about my weight. Even if I was skinny she would make comments that I need to gain weight. I used to get really angry about her comments and they still make me somewhat angry but they also amuse me because they are so ridiculous. I'm 31...I think I can figure out how many pieces of toast to eat! I guess I finally realized I'm not going to change her. Getting angry at her is useless...it won't change her. And getting angry is a waste of my time and energy when I could be doing something else.

Sorry I've rambled on so long about my mother and my situation but I thought it might help to hear from someone who has gotten through a similar situation. Keep working at IE and the next time she visits I'll bet her comments won't bother you so bad. I never thought I'd be able to get over her comments so easily but apparently I've made progress. Didn't really realize it until last week.

Kipkabob

(Intuitive eating since September 2006)

Subject: Having a difficult time being gentle w/self...To: IntuitiveEating_Support Received: Sunday, December 28, 2008, 2:15 PM

Warning: THIS IS FAIRLY LONG!My mother just left after a week-long visit and I feel kind of awful. She is one of the biggest sources of negativity for my psyche, self-worth, and overall food/weight issues. If she doesn't comment on what I'm eating or the amount, I know she is thinking it. She comments on everyone's weight and so-called "well-being" whenever they aren't present, so I'm sure she does it with me, as well. This bothers me immensely (sp?) and I'm having a difficult time shaking it.Anticipating her visit, I tried to "prepare" myself for it. I'm not so sure it did any good. I started restricting immediately and continued to get angry with myself about it. I got terribly angry with her for being the kind of person she is--negative and degrading. Of course, she isn't always this way--I just happen to hone in on it and dwell on the negative, which, of course, angered me that I

even did that!I tried to dress well and feel good about myself, but I think I was doing it more for her than me...I continued to wait for either a negative comment or--GASP!--a compliment of some sort. I've always wanted and needed to receive compliments from my mother, and it rarely happens. She can say that a piece of art or music is beautiful; she can even say that a plate of food is beautiful; she cannot say that I or any of my children are beautiful. Ever. Why the hell not? It just hurts. Why can't I deal with this and move one so I can enjoy her while she's on this earth with us? She is in her mid-70s and I just beat myself up for acting the way I do around her. I don't even think talking with her about any of this will do either of us any good. It will make her defensive and me just feel like an idiot for mentioning it. Plus, I just cry when I get mad, which makes her think I'm weak. I'm

always "over-reacting" to things. So. I have to handle/deal with this on my end and go from there. It sure doesn't help that I'm PMS-ing, either. All of those emotions are just multiplied by 100 or so. Plus, my youngest daughter is struggling with the pukes, so I've been entrenched in her care these past few days. Fortunately, I have an extremely supportive husband and best girlfriend to lean on. My therapist and nutrition counselor are out of their offices for the rest of the week, of course.Anyway. I deprived myself of some good food; I couldn't truly savor much of anything, because I was so focused on watching what and how much I ate. If she didn't comment on my eating, she made references to how I was doing the wrong thing/s for my children. Or, worse yet--she would comment on what or the amount of food my children ate! I'm rambling, I know, but this is my journal of sorts. I need to

get all of this out and get back to being gentle to myself. Thank you so much for your understanding and your shoulders. I am so grateful for this forum and all of the members here. It's a great outlet for me to write and be "heard"--and to read what similar things other people have to deal with.Warmest regards,marla in charlottesville, va

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[Guest guest]

Wow Kip, that's awesome that you've been able to work through that. That's HUGE progress in your journey!!!!! Thank you for sharing. It is truly inspiring.God Bless, Dayna:)To: IntuitiveEating_Support From: kipkabob@...Date: Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:47:45 -0800Subject: Re: Having a difficult time being gentle w/self...

Sorry you had such a difficult time with your mom visiting. I can totally relate! My mother is always making comments about how much somebody ate or how big they are. I was dreading going home for Christmas but it wasn't that bad.

She did make some comments about my weight though. The first was Christmas evening...we had to go to my grandmothers because she called and couldn't get into bed on her own. My grandmother is 91 and is a very big woman. Mom had to call my uncle to come and move her in the bed because we couldn't. I felt embarrased for my grandmother...that would be so humilating. Anyway...on the drive home my mother said "Don't let yourself get that big." Then when we got home she said to Dad "I told her to go on a diet. She needs to lose some weight...she's getting too big again." I was fuming but I calmed myself down by telling myself "You have eating issues...you are working on them...don't let her comments get to you." And it worked.

The next morning when I got up she told me I only needed 1 piece of toast for breakfast. "you need to cut back, etc." It was kinda funny to me though because I really wasn't hungry that morning so one piece of toast was just right. So I thought "ha ha the joke's on you because I wasn't gonna eat much anyway."

The ironic part is that she tells me this stuff but then she will get out a bag of chips for me to eat! It doesn't make any sense and I have stopped trying to analyze her actions.

I've come to realize that she's never going to stop making comments about my weight. Even if I was skinny she would make comments that I need to gain weight. I used to get really angry about her comments and they still make me somewhat angry but they also amuse me because they are so ridiculous. I'm 31...I think I can figure out how many pieces of toast to eat! I guess I finally realized I'm not going to change her. Getting angry at her is useless...it won't change her. And getting angry is a waste of my time and energy when I could be doing something else.

Sorry I've rambled on so long about my mother and my situation but I thought it might help to hear from someone who has gotten through a similar situation. Keep working at IE and the next time she visits I'll bet her comments won't bother you so bad. I never thought I'd be able to get over her comments so easily but apparently I've made progress. Didn't really realize it until last week.

Kipkabob

(Intuitive eating since September 2006)

From: mkwhittenburg <mkwhittenburg>Subject: Having a difficult time being gentle w/self...To: IntuitiveEating_Support Received: Sunday, December 28, 2008, 2:15 PM

Warning: THIS IS FAIRLY LONG!My mother just left after a week-long visit and I feel kind of awful. She is one of the biggest sources of negativity for my psyche, self-worth, and overall food/weight issues. If she doesn't comment on what I'm eating or the amount, I know she is thinking it. She comments on everyone's weight and so-called "well-being" whenever they aren't present, so I'm sure she does it with me, as well. This bothers me immensely (sp?) and I'm having a difficult time shaking it.Anticipating her visit, I tried to "prepare" myself for it. I'm not so sure it did any good. I started restricting immediately and continued to get angry with myself about it. I got terribly angry with her for being the kind of person she is--negative and degrading. Of course, she isn't always this way--I just happen to hone in on it and dwell on the negative, which, of course, angered me that I

even did that!I tried to dress well and feel good about myself, but I think I was doing it more for her than me...I continued to wait for either a negative comment or--GASP!--a compliment of some sort. I've always wanted and needed to receive compliments from my mother, and it rarely happens. She can say that a piece of art or music is beautiful; she can even say that a plate of food is beautiful; she cannot say that I or any of my children are beautiful. Ever. Why the hell not? It just hurts. Why can't I deal with this and move one so I can enjoy her while she's on this earth with us? She is in her mid-70s and I just beat myself up for acting the way I do around her. I don't even think talking with her about any of this will do either of us any good. It will make her defensive and me just feel like an idiot for mentioning it. Plus, I just cry when I get mad, which makes her think I'm weak. I'm

always "over-reacting" to things. So. I have to handle/deal with this on my end and go from there. It sure doesn't help that I'm PMS-ing, either. All of those emotions are just multiplied by 100 or so. Plus, my youngest daughter is struggling with the pukes, so I've been entrenched in her care these past few days. Fortunately, I have an extremely supportive husband and best girlfriend to lean on. My therapist and nutrition counselor are out of their offices for the rest of the week, of course.Anyway. I deprived myself of some good food; I couldn't truly savor much of anything, because I was so focused on watching what and how much I ate. If she didn't comment on my eating, she made references to how I was doing the wrong thing/s for my children. Or, worse yet--she would comment on what or the amount of food my children ate! I'm rambling, I know, but this is my journal of sorts. I need to

get all of this out and get back to being gentle to myself. Thank you so much for your understanding and your shoulders. I am so grateful for this forum and all of the members here. It's a great outlet for me to write and be "heard"--and to read what similar things other people have to deal with.Warmest regards,marla in charlottesville, va

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[Guest guest]

Wow Kip, that's awesome that you've been able to work through that. That's HUGE progress in your journey!!!!! Thank you for sharing. It is truly inspiring.God Bless, Dayna:)To: IntuitiveEating_Support From: kipkabob@...Date: Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:47:45 -0800Subject: Re: Having a difficult time being gentle w/self...

Sorry you had such a difficult time with your mom visiting. I can totally relate! My mother is always making comments about how much somebody ate or how big they are. I was dreading going home for Christmas but it wasn't that bad.

She did make some comments about my weight though. The first was Christmas evening...we had to go to my grandmothers because she called and couldn't get into bed on her own. My grandmother is 91 and is a very big woman. Mom had to call my uncle to come and move her in the bed because we couldn't. I felt embarrased for my grandmother...that would be so humilating. Anyway...on the drive home my mother said "Don't let yourself get that big." Then when we got home she said to Dad "I told her to go on a diet. She needs to lose some weight...she's getting too big again." I was fuming but I calmed myself down by telling myself "You have eating issues...you are working on them...don't let her comments get to you." And it worked.

The next morning when I got up she told me I only needed 1 piece of toast for breakfast. "you need to cut back, etc." It was kinda funny to me though because I really wasn't hungry that morning so one piece of toast was just right. So I thought "ha ha the joke's on you because I wasn't gonna eat much anyway."

The ironic part is that she tells me this stuff but then she will get out a bag of chips for me to eat! It doesn't make any sense and I have stopped trying to analyze her actions.

I've come to realize that she's never going to stop making comments about my weight. Even if I was skinny she would make comments that I need to gain weight. I used to get really angry about her comments and they still make me somewhat angry but they also amuse me because they are so ridiculous. I'm 31...I think I can figure out how many pieces of toast to eat! I guess I finally realized I'm not going to change her. Getting angry at her is useless...it won't change her. And getting angry is a waste of my time and energy when I could be doing something else.

Sorry I've rambled on so long about my mother and my situation but I thought it might help to hear from someone who has gotten through a similar situation. Keep working at IE and the next time she visits I'll bet her comments won't bother you so bad. I never thought I'd be able to get over her comments so easily but apparently I've made progress. Didn't really realize it until last week.

Kipkabob

(Intuitive eating since September 2006)

From: mkwhittenburg <mkwhittenburg>Subject: Having a difficult time being gentle w/self...To: IntuitiveEating_Support Received: Sunday, December 28, 2008, 2:15 PM

Warning: THIS IS FAIRLY LONG!My mother just left after a week-long visit and I feel kind of awful. She is one of the biggest sources of negativity for my psyche, self-worth, and overall food/weight issues. If she doesn't comment on what I'm eating or the amount, I know she is thinking it. She comments on everyone's weight and so-called "well-being" whenever they aren't present, so I'm sure she does it with me, as well. This bothers me immensely (sp?) and I'm having a difficult time shaking it.Anticipating her visit, I tried to "prepare" myself for it. I'm not so sure it did any good. I started restricting immediately and continued to get angry with myself about it. I got terribly angry with her for being the kind of person she is--negative and degrading. Of course, she isn't always this way--I just happen to hone in on it and dwell on the negative, which, of course, angered me that I

even did that!I tried to dress well and feel good about myself, but I think I was doing it more for her than me...I continued to wait for either a negative comment or--GASP!--a compliment of some sort. I've always wanted and needed to receive compliments from my mother, and it rarely happens. She can say that a piece of art or music is beautiful; she can even say that a plate of food is beautiful; she cannot say that I or any of my children are beautiful. Ever. Why the hell not? It just hurts. Why can't I deal with this and move one so I can enjoy her while she's on this earth with us? She is in her mid-70s and I just beat myself up for acting the way I do around her. I don't even think talking with her about any of this will do either of us any good. It will make her defensive and me just feel like an idiot for mentioning it. Plus, I just cry when I get mad, which makes her think I'm weak. I'm

always "over-reacting" to things. So. I have to handle/deal with this on my end and go from there. It sure doesn't help that I'm PMS-ing, either. All of those emotions are just multiplied by 100 or so. Plus, my youngest daughter is struggling with the pukes, so I've been entrenched in her care these past few days. Fortunately, I have an extremely supportive husband and best girlfriend to lean on. My therapist and nutrition counselor are out of their offices for the rest of the week, of course.Anyway. I deprived myself of some good food; I couldn't truly savor much of anything, because I was so focused on watching what and how much I ate. If she didn't comment on my eating, she made references to how I was doing the wrong thing/s for my children. Or, worse yet--she would comment on what or the amount of food my children ate! I'm rambling, I know, but this is my journal of sorts. I need to

get all of this out and get back to being gentle to myself. Thank you so much for your understanding and your shoulders. I am so grateful for this forum and all of the members here. It's a great outlet for me to write and be "heard"--and to read what similar things other people have to deal with.Warmest regards,marla in charlottesville, va

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[Guest guest]

Hello!

I am very glad to hear that you are starting to feel better. I know

it can be a very difficult process.

I just wanted to say that your post and the replies really helped me

a lot. It got me thinking about my own relationship with my family

and the 800 pound gorilla in the room, food!

I am also trying to come to terms with the fact that I can not change

my family, I only have the control and power to change myself. I can

either continue to let them make me feel crappy or start doing

something about it.

This group has really helped me start to question the endless cycle

of anger, sadness and self-deprecation I have been in... A family

member says something like you only need half a potato and I suddenly

go from super happy to extremely depressed.

I realize now that I can't let comments like those effect me so

intensely. First, my family does not mean for the comments to hurt me

as they do. Second, I need to look at why those comments bring me

emotionally down so fast and what I need at those times to make me

feel better.

So I originally meant to write this to offer encouragement and it has

turned into my own therapy session.

Sorry!

- K

[Guest guest]

Ugh! I think you should let your family know that they have NO right

to tell you what or how much you should eat! That just makes me so

mad! Only you know what your body needs; they do not. I can totally

understand why that would hurt your feelings, but at the same time,

you should stand up for yourself. Then I think you'll feel empowered

instead of victimized.

Don't worry, be happy!

<3---------

>

> Hello!

>

> I am very glad to hear that you are starting to feel better. I know

> it can be a very difficult process.

>

> I just wanted to say that your post and the replies really helped

me

> a lot. It got me thinking about my own relationship with my family

> and the 800 pound gorilla in the room, food!

>

> I am also trying to come to terms with the fact that I can not

change

> my family, I only have the control and power to change myself. I

can

> either continue to let them make me feel crappy or start doing

> something about it.

>

> This group has really helped me start to question the endless cycle

> of anger, sadness and self-deprecation I have been in... A family

> member says something like you only need half a potato and I

suddenly

> go from super happy to extremely depressed.

>

> I realize now that I can't let comments like those effect me so

> intensely. First, my family does not mean for the comments to hurt

me

> as they do. Second, I need to look at why those comments bring me

> emotionally down so fast and what I need at those times to make me

> feel better.

>

> So I originally meant to write this to offer encouragement and it

has

> turned into my own therapy session.

>

> Sorry!

>

> - K

>

[Guest guest]

I can not tell you how AWESOME it felt to start posting on this site

and have people justify my emotions... Whenever I expressed my anger

at people crossing my personal boundaries related to food I was

always seen as " too sensitive " .

For years I have tried to make my family understand that their

comments about food and weight are extremely hurtful. I have cried

and screamed and publically embarressed myself. But they still don't

understand how personal and hurtful it is to me. They still see

themselves as being helpful.

After joining this group I realized that I have been stuck in this

really bad cycle. My family makes a comment they think is helpful but

still hurts me. So I get angry and hurt. Then I talk mean to myself

and " get back at them " by binging in secret.

I finally saw that I can't change them but I also can't let their

comments hurt me so much. By taking it so personally I let them cross

even farther into my personal boundaries. Does that make sense?

For a very long time I reacted to this situation based on the perfect

vision/scenereo I had planned for my family. But I realized that this

isn't a perfect world, and my family and I are far from perfect. What

I want from them may be realistic for myself but not them. I tried to

create a realistic " plan of attack " that would work for all parties.

So now if I feel it is something minor I ignore it and treat

myself " gently " . And I won't let myself eat out of anger. If I feel

it is a more serious comment I tell them I really do not appreciate

that and try to move on from it.

I am not sure if this is the most effective approach but it is what I

have come up with so far. And it has finally ended the cycle of self

hurt.

Just letting myself feel my emotions (especially anger) instead of

just brushing them off has been immensely beneficial.

Phew, long... But thank you for your support.

: )

- K

[Guest guest]

K,

I do so enjoy reading your experience posts. Don't you know that

you're supposed to get on board and take the " helpful " comments like

everyone else? Whatever...:-P. I've been told that I'm oversensitive

too...I've started to communicate that maybe they aren't sensitive

enough!

You're following your own experimental growth path...which is great.

You've become more conscious of the anger, you can feel the anger,

you've expressed the anger/hurt in relationship with others, you've

observed the results and your experience, you're going to work with

yourself to minimize or prevent the hurt from even occurring.

Fortunately, I don't get many people giving advice and invading my

space in the way that you described. I give off a certain energy and

have a certain " rep " in my family that communicates " you worry about

you and I'll worry about me. "

It may be helpful to bring some more " awareness " for you and the other

party to those moments should they happen again. For example, maybe

ask a question/inquire... " how do you think that comment is helpful to

me? " They'll give their schpill...from that you can ask other

questions...then let them know that " actually, I know you mean well,

but comments like that generally make me feel ____ and make want to

eat more. I've noticed this and and am working to deal with this

better... " Relational experiments are a bit scary and exciting at the

same time and I've actually transformed some of my hurt/feeling

invaded patterns in this way. Like you, I choose to intervene on my

behalf depending on the situation and how I'm feeling.

A massive amount of dieting and anti-fat brainwashing has gone on for

decades and is still going on. As a result, alot of people have been

programmed/conditioned with " helpful " automatic responses. So, any

opportunities to short-circuit or bring awareness to automatic dieting

advice could be helpful on a larger scale.

L:)

> Just letting myself feel my emotions (especially anger) instead of

> just brushing them off has been immensely beneficial.

>

> Phew, long... But thank you for your support.

>

> : )

>

> - K

>

[Guest guest]

Ohhhh I have some good stories! ; ) But seriously I am glad someone

out there enjoys reading what I write.

I REALLY like your come back. The next time someone calls me overly

sensitive I am going to fire back with you aren't sensitive enough,

so what does that mean?

I think that is great that you have a vibe, which communicates that

it is inappropriate to make such comments. Unfortunately I think some

family members avoid making " the " comments because they are afraid of

making me cry. BUT at least, for the most part, they stopped making

them.

Finally allowing myself to feel the emotions related to my personal

boundaries being invaded was soooo helpful. I had no idea how much

emotional progress I could make just by letting myself get angry. It

allowed me to be less emotional about the whole topic. So when a

family member makes a comment I am far more capable of composing a

good response.

Anyway thank you for the advice, I always appreciate it.

- K