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Re: Coming to a Turning Point (long)To Cagey

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Hi Cagey,

My daughter did similair things to me. She would

leave without permision and I'd go find her and

threaten to take everything away from her if she

didn't get into the car. I know threatening isn't the

right way to deal with her but at the time it worked.

Of course it eventually stopped working and I needed

to come up with a new way to deal with her and her

rages. She has threated to have herself emancipated

from me. I was hurt and angry that she kept acting

like I was the problem and like living at home was

like living in hell. For a long time I was scared to

do anything that would upset her for fear of the rage

and of her leaving home. I was scared she would get

hurt badly or kill herself with drugs or from cutting

herself.

I was finally able to tell her that if she left home

again I'd call the police. Guess what she did? She

ran away. Guess what I did? First, I called my

husband and asked him to come home so I could go find

my daughter. He said no and told me to call the

police. I was so angry at him. I ran out the door

and looked where I thought she might be and couldn't

find her so I went back home and called the police. I

cried alot while I waited for the police to show up.

I called all her friends and asked them if they knew

where she was and to please call me if they hear

anything. Some of her friends went looking for her.

The police came to my house and took the report. They

told me that once I report her as a run away that

there was no backing out. If they found her they were

going to arrest her. If she came home I was to call

them and they would come out and arrest her. Well,

she called me and I talked her into letting me pick

her up at an agreed upon location. She was hessitant

at first but I told her that if I found out who was

hiding her I would report them. I told her I would

find out who it was and that I would call the police

if she didn't come home. After I picked her up all I

wanted to do was take her home and forget the whole

thing. I wanted the police to say ok...everything is

back to normal so we won't come and arrest her. No

such luck. I called them when I got home and they

came to my house and arrested her. My heart felt like

it was being crushed. My baby was in handcuffs! I

felt terrible like I had done something wrong. I know

I didn't do anything wrong but I still felt bad. They

locked her up in juvenile jail. I had to be in court

the next morning at 8. She only had to spend one

night there. It opened her eyes to some things. She

learned that I would do what I said I would do. She

learned from the other girls in the jail that she

wasn't as bad off as she thought she was....and that

she didn't belong in that kind of group of girls. She

learned that I wasn't going to be bullied by her

anymore and that I found others to support and help me

to deal with her. She learned that it hurt me to see

her handcuffed and taken away...she knew that meant I

loved her. She learned that I would do whatever it

took to protect her from harm...self or others.

I know it's hard Cagey but if you don't follow thru on

what you said about calling the police she is just

going to walk all over you. I learned that running

out looking for her like I did was just another way

for her to feel in control of me. If I go running

then I'm playing her game of chaos. Since that day I

also had to take her to Charter 2 times. She hated me

for taking her to Charter Hospital. She told me not

to hug her and that she hated me and would never

forgive me. I knew she didn't mean it but still it

hurt my heart to hear those words and to see the anger

in her eyes. Today she knows I put her in that

hospital because I loved her and wanted to help her.

She was in danger of hurting herself and I was scared

she was going to kill herself. I was afraid to open

her bedroom door in the morning during that time right

before the hospital....I was so scared that I'd find

her dead in a pool of her own blood.

Things have calmed down since then and I'm a much more

assertive mother today. Today if she gets in one of

her moods where she feels that it's ok to talk mean to

me and to treat me bad I tell her to stop it and that

when she was ready to talk about what is 'really'

bothering her to come and see me. I refuse to be her

doormat today. I refuse to be treated like poop. I

deserve respect from her and all my children. It

hasn't been easy getting to where I am today. We

still have bad days but they don't last as long as

they used to in the past.

Hang in there. I hope they find a place for her soon.

Peace and Love,

phine

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