Having a difficult time being gentle w/self...

[Guest guest]

Warning: THIS IS FAIRLY LONG!

My mother just left after a week-long visit and I feel kind of

awful. She is one of the biggest sources of negativity for my

psyche, self-worth, and overall food/weight issues. If she doesn't

comment on what I'm eating or the amount, I know she is thinking it.

She comments on everyone's weight and so-called " well-being " whenever

they aren't present, so I'm sure she does it with me, as well. This

bothers me immensely (sp?) and I'm having a difficult time shaking it.

Anticipating her visit, I tried to " prepare " myself for it. I'm not

so sure it did any good. I started restricting immediately and

continued to get angry with myself about it. I got terribly angry

with her for being the kind of person she is--negative and

degrading. Of course, she isn't always this way--I just happen to

hone in on it and dwell on the negative, which, of course, angered me

that I even did that!

I tried to dress well and feel good about myself, but I think I was

doing it more for her than me...I continued to wait for either a

negative comment or--GASP!--a compliment of some sort. I've always

wanted and needed to receive compliments from my mother, and it

rarely happens. She can say that a piece of art or music is

beautiful; she can even say that a plate of food is beautiful; she

cannot say that I or any of my children are beautiful. Ever. Why

the hell not? It just hurts. Why can't I deal with this and move

one so I can enjoy her while she's on this earth with us? She is in

her mid-70s and I just beat myself up for acting the way I do around

her. I don't even think talking with her about any of this will do

either of us any good. It will make her defensive and me just feel

like an idiot for mentioning it. Plus, I just cry when I get mad,

which makes her think I'm weak. I'm always " over-reacting " to

things. So. I have to handle/deal with this on my end and go from

there. It sure doesn't help that I'm PMS-ing, either. All of those

emotions are just multiplied by 100 or so. Plus, my youngest

daughter is struggling with the pukes, so I've been entrenched in her

care these past few days. Fortunately, I have an extremely

supportive husband and best girlfriend to lean on. My therapist and

nutrition counselor are out of their offices for the rest of the

week, of course.

Anyway. I deprived myself of some good food; I couldn't truly savor

much of anything, because I was so focused on watching what and how

much I ate. If she didn't comment on my eating, she made references

to how I was doing the wrong thing/s for my children. Or, worse yet--

she would comment on what or the amount of food my children ate!

I'm rambling, I know, but this is my journal of sorts. I need to get

all of this out and get back to being gentle to myself.

Thank you so much for your understanding and your shoulders. I am so

grateful for this forum and all of the members here. It's a great

outlet for me to write and be " heard " --and to read what similar

things other people have to deal with.

Warmest regards,

marla in charlottesville, va