Adoption vs. Pregnancy (long)

May 11, 2000

- Re: Lunatics Anonymous

Kris, Can I ask you if you think the reason you bonded more with the boy

was cause you carried him 9months, I do not doubt your love for the adopted

kids, but I was just wondering. I am thinking of adoption and I want to

feel the bond right from the get -go. But I can't help to think of it at

first as just a babysetting job. You know what I mean? J

-----------------------------------------

Yes, I *do* know what you mean.

And since we're being honest here, I will.

I *didn't* feel this instant " love " for my daughter when they put her in my

arms that Friday afternoon back in 1994. I was terrified, actually. Let me

tell you what the circumstances were, though, and maybe it will help put it

into perspective.

My husband and I had been married for three years. We wanted children, of

course, but for me it was just an idea of children... I didn't have this

pang of yearning to hold a baby in my arms. I didn't really even LIKE

babies. I just knew that I didn't identify much with the childless-by-choice

couples I knew, and I just felt it was natural to be a mom. I also didn't

have the deep grief associated with infertility. I suppose it's probably

because it hadn't been very long yet, and also because there were already

several adopted children in my extended family, and adoption was a very

natural idea to me.

In April, 1994, we got a phone call from my aunt, who is an adoptive mom.

Her husband's cousin in South Texas owned several fast-food restaurants, and

one of his employees was pregnant and wanted to make an adoption plan for

her baby. My aunt asked me if we were interested in pursuing it, and I

talked to Rick, and we agreed that it would be fine. (Does this sound odd to

you already? I mean, we weren't on any agency's list, we weren't shelling

out gazoodles of dollars to attorneys to find us a birthmom... NONE of that.

It just landed in our laps.)

The kicker was that this baby was due in ONE MONTH. Things began rolling

very quickly... I was numb from shock and disbelief, still. I didn't get a

nursery ready; it wasn't really real, you see. I *did* read a book about

infant care, but it was still all very abstract to me. My mother was very

negative about it and told me I was too fat to adopt a baby (don't let's get

started on THAT one!).

In May, we got THE CALL and we drove for several hours to reach the

hospital, where we saw a 1-hr old baby girl in the nursery window. A quick

visit with an attorney to draw up some documents, and 24 hours later, she

was placed in my arms. I was absolutely stunned and hadn't the first clue

what to do. I hadn't even brought a camera. I didn't know I'd want a picture

of it! Thankfully someone DID have a camera, and snapped a few shots of it.

I spent the first six months of her life in a daze, literally. Like I've

said, I kept her immaculately clean, dressed her in the spiffiest outfits,

kept a bow in her hair at all times (except at night), and dutifully did

everything the book said needed to be done.

I think my moment of epiphany didn't really occur until I was sitting in my

hospital room after my C-section last summer. Of course I loved my

daughters. We had adopted our second daughter as a toddler, and I found it

to be much more enjoyable than adopting an infant. She was 20 months old,

had CP and couldn't walk or even do some basic things (so in some ways she

was very much like an infant), but I found caring for her very rewarding and

satisfying. I decided that I wasn't really a " baby " person, and we were in

the process of starting the adoption process again for a toddler boy when I

found out I was pregnant. We even got a call about a 1-yr-old boy when I was

seven months pregnant, and I was GRIEVED TO THE CORE when I had to say no,

because I thought we were having a girl, and because I wanted that little

boy so much!

But back to my moment of epiphany. I was sitting on my bed, the day after my

son was born, looking at him swaddled tightly and sleeping in the isolette

at the end of my bed, and I suddenly realized the enormity of what my

daughters' birthmothers had done... and I wept. HARD. These women had given

me gifts more precious than words could express, and I hadn't even

understood it. Of course I loved these girlies... they were all mine... I

couldn't imagine not being their mother... I truly *was* their mother... but

I suddenly realized HOW MUCH I loved them, and how much their birthmothers

loved them... loved them enough to go through the hardship to give them

life, and then to give them A LIFE that they couldn't give them themselves.

I think that the experience of adoption is much different for someone who's

already wept over their empty womb, for someone who already realizes the

enormity of the situation, for someone whose arms ache to hold their baby. I

hadn't done any of those things. Of course, some women experience the same

feelings of ambivalence or fear when they're pregnant (as is evident by

recent posts).

If you decide to adopt, you WILL bond with your baby... because you want so

much to be a mommy. You will know and understand better than I did, because

you've already walked through the valley of grief. I certainly do love my

son... not in the same way as my daughters... but actually I think it has

more to do with him being a BOY than with him being our biological child. I

had been told that there's just something about a mommy and her little boy

that's just different than a little girl... and I believe it's true. I don't

love my girls less. Just differently.

My oldest daughter turns six tomorrow, so she's at the age where she's

beginning to have a rudimentary understanding of adoption and pregnancy and

such. Not long after Isaac was born, she told me that she wished she

could've been in my tummy like Isaac was. I told her that I did, too.

-Kris

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May 11, 2000

Kris,

Yours is truly a touching story and thank goodness for people like you to

love those little ones who you adopted like your own child. I'm in tears.

Jenna

May 13, 2000

Kris and Everyone Else,

I've been on this list for quite some time. I just don't post very often,

but the subject of adoption is very close to my heart. I'm in the process right

now. DH and I took a very different route, however. We are adopting an older

child, a 10-year old. We looked into adopting an infant, but it was too

expensive for us and it took wa-ay too long, so we looked into adopting an older

one. After all, they need love too, just like the little ones, right?

has been in our home since last August, and I can't imagine my life without him,

but sometimes I think we made a mistake in adopting him. It has been a rather

difficult road at times. He has been in foster care for almost 6 years now.

It's all he knows, and he's afraid of being adopted. He's not the only one

that's afraid. I am too. I'm afraid I'll never be good enough to be his mom. I

know that he compares me to his other foster moms- and his bmom- and that

frightens me. (According to his therapist, he remembers only the good times with

his bmom, and none of the bad.) His 2 foster homes were with families that had

other children. I've never had a child before, and I find myself wondering if I

have done the right things for him. Especially when he says " so-and-so used to

let me do this. "

I have always wanted to have a large family, but my weight has prevented

that. I've stood by and watched other people have their babies and asked why

them and not me? In fact, my SIL is pregnant right now with # 6, and she barely

takes care of the 5 she has now! I want a baby right now, but it hasn't happened

yet. I still have about 100 more pounds I want to lose. I have lost 130, and for

that I'm very proud and very thankful. So I guess I've still got a long way to

go.

I hope you all don't mind me sharing all this. I don't regret getting

. I just wish I had a magic wand so I could eliminate all his fears and

guarantee him a happy life. I believe that's what he wants. He has had 2 other

couples back out on adopting him. One because TPR had not occurred; he had been

misinformed about the other, and so to him it seemed that they backed out on

him. This is what makes it so difficult. We're just going to have to show him.

There is one thing holding us up- my fingerprints. They keep coming back

unreadable. I'm not sure why. I was told that if the last set comes back

unreadable, I can sign a waiver. Thanks for listening.

in Ga

Psalm 27:14- Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He

shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

May 13, 2000

,

I am sure in time you will work it all out as a family. Are there on-line

adoption support groups that you can share this stuff with? You may get

better help there than from us.

Lenore

At 02:19 AM 5/13/00 -0400, you wrote:

>Kris and Everyone Else,

> I've been on this list for quite some time. I just don't post very

often, but the subject of adoption is very close to my heart. I'm in the

process right now. DH and I took a very different route, however. We are

adopting an older child, a 10-year old. We looked into adopting an infant,

but it was too expensive for us and it took wa-ay too long, so we looked

into adopting an older one. After all, they need love too, just like the

little ones, right? has been in our home since last August, and I

can't imagine my life without him, but sometimes I think we made a mistake

in adopting him. It has been a rather difficult road at times. He has

been in foster care for almost 6 years now. It's all he knows, and he's

afraid of being adopted. He's not the only one that's afraid. I am too. I'm

afraid I'll never be good enough to be his mom. I know that he compares me

to his other foster moms- and his bmom- and that frightens me. (According

to his therapist, he remembers only the good times with his bmom, and none

of the bad.) His 2 foster homes were with families that had other children.

I've never had a child before, and I find myself wondering if I have done

the right things for him. Especially when he says " so-and-so used to let me

do this. "

> I have always wanted to have a large family, but my weight has

prevented that. I've stood by and watched other people have their babies

and asked why them and not me? In fact, my SIL is pregnant right now with #

6, and she barely takes care of the 5 she has now! I want a baby right now,

but it hasn't happened yet. I still have about 100 more pounds I want to

lose. I have lost 130, and for that I'm very proud and very thankful. So I

guess I've still got a long way to go.

> I hope you all don't mind me sharing all this. I don't regret getting

. I just wish I had a magic wand so I could eliminate all his fears

and guarantee him a happy life. I believe that's what he wants. He has had

2 other couples back out on adopting him. One because TPR had not occurred;

he had been misinformed about the other, and so to him it seemed that they

backed out on him. This is what makes it so difficult. We're just going to

have to show him. There is one thing holding us up- my fingerprints. They

keep coming back unreadable. I'm not sure why. I was told that if the last

set comes back unreadable, I can sign a waiver. Thanks for listening.

> in Ga

>Psalm 27:14- Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He

>shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

>

May 13, 2000

,

I am also involved with the foster care program. I have a friend that just

adopted a sibling group. It is a very special gift you are giving your son.

It is very difficult to adopt an older child, especially one that has been

in the system for such a long time. You are not doing anything wrong by him.

Kids just seem to know how to say things to get our guilt going! Even

natural children say " so-an-so " let's me do this! LOL! You and your husband

will find great rewards in this little boys life. Just sticking by him when

nobody else would or could is a wonderful affirmation of love. When he is

graduating from highschool, and he gets married and has children, you will

know that he is " your " son and that you love him. Good luck on the pregnancy

and weight loss thing. It will happen when your body is ready and your

family is in position. Your are truly doing God's work!!

donna

Re: Adoption vs. Pregnancy (long)

Kris and Everyone Else,

I've been on this list for quite some time. I just don't post very

often, but the subject of adoption is very close to my heart. I'm in the

process right now. DH and I took a very different route, however. We are

adopting an older child, a 10-year old. We looked into adopting an infant,

but it was too expensive for us and it took wa-ay too long, so we looked

into adopting an older one. After all, they need love too, just like the

little ones, right? has been in our home since last August, and I

can't imagine my life without him, but sometimes I think we made a mistake

in adopting him. It has been a rather difficult road at times. He has been

in foster care for almost 6 years now. It's all he knows, and he's afraid of

being adopted. He's not the only one that's afraid. I am too. I'm afraid

I'll never be good enough to be his mom. I know that he compares me to his

other foster moms- and his bmom- and that frightens me. (According to his

therapist, he remembers only the good times with his bmom, and none of the

bad.) His 2 foster homes were with families that had other children. I've

never had a child before, and I find myself wondering if I have done the

right things for him. Especially when he says " so-and-so used to let me do

this. "

I have always wanted to have a large family, but my weight has prevented

that. I've stood by and watched other people have their babies and asked why

them and not me? In fact, my SIL is pregnant right now with # 6, and she

barely takes care of the 5 she has now! I want a baby right now, but it

hasn't happened yet. I still have about 100 more pounds I want to lose. I

have lost 130, and for that I'm very proud and very thankful. So I guess

I've still got a long way to go.

I hope you all don't mind me sharing all this. I don't regret getting

. I just wish I had a magic wand so I could eliminate all his fears

and guarantee him a happy life. I believe that's what he wants. He has had 2

other couples back out on adopting him. One because TPR had not occurred; he

had been misinformed about the other, and so to him it seemed that they

backed out on him. This is what makes it so difficult. We're just going to

have to show him. There is one thing holding us up- my fingerprints. They

keep coming back unreadable. I'm not sure why. I was told that if the last

set comes back unreadable, I can sign a waiver. Thanks for listening.

in Ga

Psalm 27:14- Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He

shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

May 13, 2000

good luck on the adoption. we tried to get into adoption. we wanted an

older child too because of the wait. they told us that we had to go through

foster care first but couldnt get into that program because of a depression

problem i was going through. they have you coming and going here. they

also told us that it would be easier if we could find our own birth mom and

they would help with the legal portion. needless to say this didnt work

either. i hope that you can be a family for michael since thats what he

really needs...not to be bounced from foster care to foster care. he must

feel loved there or else he would have asked to leave right??

julie