Re: Grief

August 30, 2008

oops, error...

I meant "afflicted" not "inflicted".....

Re: Re: BIO-MEDICAL INTERVENTION

In a message dated 8/23/2008 12:12:53 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, thecohanes@comcast net writes:

I feel like I am pulling ay straws trying to find the reasons for my daughters behavior

What kind of behavior is your child having? You might want to check out the Feingold Diet. It is very effective for children extremely reactive to phenols, dyes, chemicals, etc.

Badillo

It's only a deal if it's where you want to go. Find your travel deal here.

August 30, 2008

That is very true, , but they have to be taught to appreciate the nuances and abilities of our kids.

Our kids are not typical and don't often give back. Adults are used to getting something back, their own reinforcement. When an adult says, "Hi", they expect a "Hi" in return. When the kid looks away and or is flapping or hopping in place, the adult may feel rejected. That is the adult's issue. It is a sort of transference from whatever other time they were rejected in the past and now they are getting it from a child and that pushes their buttons. We, adults, have our own scripts for how relationships work, how they develop and what the script is when we meet others. When it does not go according to that script, some of us are uncomfortable.

When my son was first identified, for some reason, I just thought all my friends and family were along on the crazy ride with me and were learning with me. It finally occurred to me (see how self-centered I still am??) that I needed to teach them how to relate to my son. This was something I was learning and had been going through for 24 hours a day every day. I got it, I was connecting. But I had to teach others how to connect with him and help him every step of the way to connect with them as well.

For example, I would take him to karate every Tuesday and Thursday and we would stop and say "hi" to everyone and use their names and practice. I would kneel down to his level and tell the adults or kids to get closer to his level to make eye contact easier. Then help him look at them while saying "Hi, Ms. Whatever." Every time. I realized I could not be lazy about this. He needed to learn and who else was going to teach him b/c he was not obviously picking it up on his own. This took time, and many, many trials. But now, we walk into that school and he knows everyone and knows how to say "hi" to them by name. And, everyone in that school, adults and kids, know how to talk to him and any other child that walks in there with autism.

I also learned I had to be comfortable with who he is. He is very intuitive and can sense others' discomfort. I think adults often expect kids to perform for them and our kids don't perform. Perhaps they are old souls and think to themselves, "Why?"

Re: Re: BIO-MEDICAL INTERVENTION

In a message dated 8/23/2008 12:12:53 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, thecohanes@comcast net writes:

I feel like I am pulling ay straws trying to find the reasons for my daughters behavior

What kind of behavior is your child having? You might want to check out the Feingold Diet. It is very effective for children extremely reactive to phenols, dyes, chemicals, etc.

Badillo

It's only a deal if it's where you want to go. Find your travel deal here.

August 30, 2008

That is very true, , but they have to be taught to appreciate the nuances and abilities of our kids.

Our kids are not typical and don't often give back. Adults are used to getting something back, their own reinforcement. When an adult says, "Hi", they expect a "Hi" in return. When the kid looks away and or is flapping or hopping in place, the adult may feel rejected. That is the adult's issue. It is a sort of transference from whatever other time they were rejected in the past and now they are getting it from a child and that pushes their buttons. We, adults, have our own scripts for how relationships work, how they develop and what the script is when we meet others. When it does not go according to that script, some of us are uncomfortable.

When my son was first identified, for some reason, I just thought all my friends and family were along on the crazy ride with me and were learning with me. It finally occurred to me (see how self-centered I still am??) that I needed to teach them how to relate to my son. This was something I was learning and had been going through for 24 hours a day every day. I got it, I was connecting. But I had to teach others how to connect with him and help him every step of the way to connect with them as well.

For example, I would take him to karate every Tuesday and Thursday and we would stop and say "hi" to everyone and use their names and practice. I would kneel down to his level and tell the adults or kids to get closer to his level to make eye contact easier. Then help him look at them while saying "Hi, Ms. Whatever." Every time. I realized I could not be lazy about this. He needed to learn and who else was going to teach him b/c he was not obviously picking it up on his own. This took time, and many, many trials. But now, we walk into that school and he knows everyone and knows how to say "hi" to them by name. And, everyone in that school, adults and kids, know how to talk to him and any other child that walks in there with autism.

I also learned I had to be comfortable with who he is. He is very intuitive and can sense others' discomfort. I think adults often expect kids to perform for them and our kids don't perform. Perhaps they are old souls and think to themselves, "Why?"

Re: Re: BIO-MEDICAL INTERVENTION

In a message dated 8/23/2008 12:12:53 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, thecohanes@comcast net writes:

I feel like I am pulling ay straws trying to find the reasons for my daughters behavior

What kind of behavior is your child having? You might want to check out the Feingold Diet. It is very effective for children extremely reactive to phenols, dyes, chemicals, etc.

Badillo

It's only a deal if it's where you want to go. Find your travel deal here.

August 31, 2008

,

I agree that all children should learn appropriate socialization skills. This should begin early and continue on through their education. We should all be taught acceptance (not just tolerance) of others who are different than we are. However, as you likely know, this intolerance or lack of acceptance also stems from their families and society. There is plenty of research on hate (race, religion, culture, etc.) that discusses where this comes from.

This is a much broader issue than just trying to teach typical kids how to accept our kids.

Also, there is the fact that kids are cruel. If it is not autism, it will be because the kid looks different, is Black, is Jewish, has low self-esteem, has alcoholic parents, isn't dressed right, has curly/straight hair, blue/brown eyes. I am sure if you think back to your childhood, you can recall being made fun of or left out for something. Kids are cruel.

I know we try really hard to teach our kids to be social and I know it has broken my heart to see my son try so hard to engage with a small group of girls at the playground (at age 4) and this one snotty little prissy girl (I have issues) said, "We are not playing that game anymore." I felt like his heart had been crushed. But, his issues are not my issues. I would have felt crushed and I did feel that for him and I did for myself from when I was a kid. Those are not his issues. He has a good sense of self-esteem and confidence. He was probably more like "So what? I will play with someone else then." There have been other instances of this occurrence and I am sure we can all relate to this. My partner literally freaks when we are in social situations with him and so worries about his well-being. She does not want him to be laughed at or ridiculed. Neither do any of us. I just try to instill in him that it is ok and sometimes not all kids want to play with him. It is not his fault. Just try again.

I also find that at this age, it is helpful if I help to engage kids in play. B/c remember, other kids want to please adults. If I am the "cool" adult playing with them, when their parents/nannies/whatever are sitting on a bench, then yay. They are more likely to positively engage with my son. During these times, if they ask, I try to teach them that all kids are different and just b/c mine may not talk like them, it is ok and we can find something to do that is fun for all.

Also, research indicates that kids who bully are from families who are challenged in other areas. These are very insecure children who have esteem issues, likely stemming from parental problems. We should be empathetic to them as well and teach them other ways to reach out and increase their esteem and social skills.

It starts early though. And, unfortunately or fortunately, these social skills used to be taught in kindergarten. Kindergarten used to be a time to work on being ready for 1st grade. Now, it is entirely academic. No time for teaching good social interaction. And, how many adults do you know that actually have really good social skills and could teach them?

And, if you met an adult with autism, what would your interaction be like with that person? That could be a question posed for anyone willing to answer. What do you have in common and is that someone you would pick to be your friend? We cannot make people like our kids, just like we cannot make people like us or we like them. Every relationship we have fills a need and very often we have different groups of friends to fill our different needs. Some like to drink with us. Some like to go to the movies with us. Some we really enjoy having dinner with. Some we enjoy sitting on a porch with and say nothing.

I would love to have dinner with Temple Grandin but even she says she only converses to exchange information. My enjoyment of a conversation may be different at times. Sometimes as most of you can see, I like to talk just to talk.

Relationships are complicated...

Re: Re: BIO-MEDICAL INTERVENTION

In a message dated 8/23/2008 12:12:53 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, thecohanes@comcast net writes:

I feel like I am pulling ay straws trying to find the reasons for my daughters behavior

What kind of behavior is your child having? You might want to check out the Feingold Diet. It is very effective for children extremely reactive to phenols, dyes, chemicals, etc.

Badillo

It's only a deal if it's where you want to go. Find your travel deal here.

August 31, 2008

This was helpful for me to read. I appreciate the share as it confirms

some of my own thoughts. Thanks

From:

sList [mailto:sList ] On Behalf

Of TinaTerriAustin

Sent: Sunday, August 31, 2008 10:26 AM

To: sList

Subject: Re: Grief

,

I

agree that all children should learn appropriate socialization skills.

This should begin early and continue on through their education. We

should all be taught acceptance (not just tolerance) of others who are

different than we are. However, as you likely know, this intolerance or

lack of acceptance also stems from their families and society. There is

plenty of research on hate (race, religion, culture, etc.) that discusses where

this comes from.

This

is a much broader issue than just trying to teach typical kids how to accept

our kids.

Also,

there is the fact that kids are cruel. If it is not autism, it will be

because the kid looks different, is Black, is Jewish, has low self-esteem, has

alcoholic parents, isn't dressed right, has curly/straight hair, blue/brown

eyes. I am sure if you think back to your childhood, you can recall being

made fun of or left out for something. Kids are cruel.

I

know we try really hard to teach our kids to be social and I know it has broken

my heart to see my son try so hard to engage with a small group of girls at the

playground (at age 4) and this one snotty little prissy girl (I have issues)

said, " We are not playing that game anymore. " I felt like his

heart had been crushed. But, his issues are not my issues. I would

have felt crushed and I did feel that for him and I did for myself from when I

was a kid. Those are not his issues. He has a good sense of

self-esteem and confidence. He was probably more like " So

what? I will play with someone else then. " There have been

other instances of this occurrence and I am sure we can all relate to

this. My partner literally freaks when we are in social situations with

him and so worries about his well-being. She does not want him to be

laughed at or ridiculed. Neither do any of us. I just try to

instill in him that it is ok and sometimes not all kids want to play with

him. It is not his fault. Just try again.

I

also find that at this age, it is helpful if I help to engage kids in

play. B/c remember, other kids want to please adults. If I am the

" cool " adult playing with them, when their parents/nannies/whatever

are sitting on a bench, then yay. They are more likely to positively

engage with my son. During these times, if they ask, I try to teach them

that all kids are different and just b/c mine may not talk like them, it is ok

and we can find something to do that is fun for all.

Also,

research indicates that kids who bully are from families who are challenged in

other areas. These are very insecure children who have esteem issues, likely

stemming from parental problems. We should be empathetic to them as well

and teach them other ways to reach out and increase their esteem and social

skills.

It

starts early though. And, unfortunately or fortunately, these social

skills used to be taught in kindergarten. Kindergarten used to be a time

to work on being ready for 1st grade. Now, it is entirely academic.

No time for teaching good social interaction. And, how many adults do you

know that actually have really good social skills and could teach them?

And,

if you met an adult with autism, what would your interaction be like with that

person? That could be a question posed for anyone willing to

answer. What do you have in common and is that someone you would pick to

be your friend? We cannot make people like our kids, just like we cannot

make people like us or we like them. Every relationship we have fills a

need and very often we have different groups of friends to fill our different

needs. Some like to drink with us. Some like to go to the movies

with us. Some we really enjoy having dinner with. Some we enjoy

sitting on a porch with and say nothing.

I

would love to have dinner with Temple Grandin but even she says she only

converses to exchange information. My enjoyment of a conversation may be

different at times. Sometimes as most of you can see, I like to talk just

to talk.

Relationships

are complicated...

-----

Original Message -----

From: Heifferon

To: sList

Sent: Saturday, August 30,

2008 6:43 PM

Subject: RE:

Grief

Tina, I worry more about the other side

of the coin: typical children. We put so much effort in encouraging our

children to be social and there seems to be so little effort for typical

children to completely understand a different peer. Schools have no tolerance

for a bully but do they understand why a child who is different is the object

of their behavior? We need to try and correct these negative outbreaks. Maybe

we need sensitivity programs. Schools need to teach more than the 3 R’s.

From:

sList [mailto:sList ] On Behalf

Of TinaTerriAustin

Sent: Saturday, August 30, 2008 3:02 PM

To: sList

Subject: Re: Grief

That is very true, ,

but they have to be taught to appreciate the nuances and abilities of our

kids.

Our kids are not typical

and don't often give back. Adults are used to getting something back,

their own reinforcement. When an adult says, " Hi " , they expect

a " Hi " in return. When the kid looks away and or is flapping or

hopping in place, the adult may feel rejected. That is the adult's

issue. It is a sort of transference from whatever other time they were

rejected in the past and now they are getting it from a child and that pushes

their buttons. We, adults, have our own scripts for how relationships

work, how they develop and what the script is when we meet others. When

it does not go according to that script, some of us are uncomfortable.

When my son was first

identified, for some reason, I just thought all my friends and family were

along on the crazy ride with me and were learning with me. It finally

occurred to me (see how self-centered I still am??) that I needed to teach them

how to relate to my son. This was something I was learning and had been

going through for 24 hours a day every day. I got it, I was

connecting. But I had to teach others how to connect with him and help

him every step of the way to connect with them as well.

For example, I would take

him to karate every Tuesday and Thursday and we would stop and say

" hi " to everyone and use their names and practice. I would

kneel down to his level and tell the adults or kids to get closer to his level

to make eye contact easier. Then help him look at them while saying

" Hi, Ms. Whatever. " Every time. I realized I could not be

lazy about this. He needed to learn and who else was going to teach him

b/c he was not obviously picking it up on his own. This took time, and

many, many trials. But now, we walk into that school and he knows

everyone and knows how to say " hi " to them by name. And,

everyone in that school, adults and kids, know how to talk to him and any other

child that walks in there with autism.

I also learned I had to be

comfortable with who he is. He is very intuitive and can sense others'

discomfort. I think adults often expect kids to perform for them and our

kids don't perform. Perhaps they are old souls and think to themselves,

" Why? "

Re: Re: BIO-MEDICAL INTERVENTION

In a message dated 8/23/2008 12:12:53 A.M.

Eastern Daylight Time, thecohanes@comcast net writes:

I feel like I am pulling ay straws

trying to find the reasons for my daughters behavior

What kind of behavior is your child

having? You might want to check out the Feingold Diet. It is very effective for

children extremely reactive to phenols, dyes, chemicals, etc.

Badillo

It's only a deal if it's where you

want to go. Find your travel deal here.

September 1, 2008

My son a few weeks ago ( for the first time ) approached some kids playing at a Lego's table at a store . He quietly walked over , looked at us for the OK and sat down ( NEVER done this before, we were ecstatic) .

As he began to play he would shyly look over at the other kids and try to imitate them and actually smile at them ( obviously looking for a smile back) . Suddenly a little boy came out of no where and said " I was sitting there " and my son just got up , no questions. My son began to walk around the table and see where he could fit in . Finally, 2 of the kids got up and he sat back down .

When he sat, one of the boys started to tell him to get up that someone else had built that . My son kept looking over at us and we would come over and tell him it was OK that it was his turn to play now . Yet, the boy kept telling him to get up .

Suddenly , my son brings his head down and quietly began to cry . A boy who never even cared or seemed to notice other kids was crying because he was rejected . I have to say that it killed me inside , I could not believe that his first attempt to make a friend went this way . As we walked out the store he told me " That best friend is not going to my school" , I am assuming he thought that would be a best friend .

I am NOT at all OK with what happened to my son . To any one else this might have been just a little issue but to my husband and I it was a HUGE break through and a HUGE discouragement to my son . Since then he has not really approached any kids again .

It hurt him , it hurt him real bad he felt humiliated and rejected and I could see it in the way he cried . Not a loud "meltdown" cry but a quiet , silent defeated cry . God willing he will forget this incident in a while ( he has an amazing memory) but I will NEVER forget . It hurt me more than anyone will ever know .

Subject: Re: GriefTo: sList Date: Sunday, August 31, 2008, 10:26 AM

,

I agree that all children should learn appropriate socialization skills. This should begin early and continue on through their education. We should all be taught acceptance (not just tolerance) of others who are different than we are. However, as you likely know, this intolerance or lack of acceptance also stems from their families and society. There is plenty of research on hate (race, religion, culture, etc.) that discusses where this comes from.

This is a much broader issue than just trying to teach typical kids how to accept our kids.

Also, there is the fact that kids are cruel. If it is not autism, it will be because the kid looks different, is Black, is Jewish, has low self-esteem, has alcoholic parents, isn't dressed right, has curly/straight hair, blue/brown eyes. I am sure if you think back to your childhood, you can recall being made fun of or left out for something. Kids are cruel.

I know we try really hard to teach our kids to be social and I know it has broken my heart to see my son try so hard to engage with a small group of girls at the playground (at age 4) and this one snotty little prissy girl (I have issues) said, "We are not playing that game anymore." I felt like his heart had been crushed. But, his issues are not my issues. I would have felt crushed and I did feel that for him and I did for myself from when I was a kid. Those are not his issues. He has a good sense of self-esteem and confidence. He was probably more like "So what? I will play with someone else then." There have been other instances of this occurrence and I am sure we can all relate to this. My partner literally freaks when we are in social situations with him and so worries about his well-being. She does not want him to be laughed at or ridiculed.

Neither do any of us. I just try to instill in him that it is ok and sometimes not all kids want to play with him. It is not his fault. Just try again.

I also find that at this age, it is helpful if I help to engage kids in play. B/c remember, other kids want to please adults. If I am the "cool" adult playing with them, when their parents/nannies/ whatever are sitting on a bench, then yay. They are more likely to positively engage with my son. During these times, if they ask, I try to teach them that all kids are different and just b/c mine may not talk like them, it is ok and we can find something to do that is fun for all.

Also, research indicates that kids who bully are from families who are challenged in other areas. These are very insecure children who have esteem issues, likely stemming from parental problems. We should be empathetic to them as well and teach them other ways to reach out and increase their esteem and social skills.

It starts early though. And, unfortunately or fortunately, these social skills used to be taught in kindergarten. Kindergarten used to be a time to work on being ready for 1st grade. Now, it is entirely academic. No time for teaching good social interaction. And, how many adults do you know that actually have really good social skills and could teach them?

And, if you met an adult with autism, what would your interaction be like with that person? That could be a question posed for anyone willing to answer. What do you have in common and is that someone you would pick to be your friend? We cannot make people like our kids, just like we cannot make people like us or we like them. Every relationship we have fills a need and very often we have different groups of friends to fill our different needs. Some like to drink with us. Some like to go to the movies with us. Some we really enjoy having dinner with. Some we enjoy sitting on a porch with and say nothing.

I would love to have dinner with Temple Grandin but even she says she only converses to exchange information. My enjoyment of a conversation may be different at times. Sometimes as most of you can see, I like to talk just to talk.

Relationships are complicated. ..

Re: Re: BIO-MEDICAL INTERVENTION

In a message dated 8/23/2008 12:12:53 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, thecohanes@comcast net writes:

I feel like I am pulling ay straws trying to find the reasons for my daughters behavior

What kind of behavior is your child having? You might want to check out the Feingold Diet. It is very effective for children extremely reactive to phenols, dyes, chemicals, etc.

Badillo

It's only a deal if it's where you want to go. Find your travel deal here.

September 1, 2008

I know this might not change how you feel about what happened

but this type of thing happens with normal children. In a group children can be

very territorial. On the other hand, if there was only one child other than

your son, maybe things would have worked out differently. You probably won’t

be around when he starts a relationship with another child. I’m sure he

will get over it and try again.

From:

sList [mailto:sList ] On Behalf

Of MAUREEN JESUS

Sent: Monday, September 01, 2008 7:38 AM

To: sList

Subject: Re: Grief

My son a few weeks ago ( for the first time ) approached

some kids playing at a Lego's table at a store . He quietly walked over ,

looked at us for the OK and sat down ( NEVER done this before, we were

ecstatic) .

As he began to play he would shyly look over at the

other kids and try to imitate them and actually smile at them ( obviously

looking for a smile back) . Suddenly a little boy came out of no where

and said " I was sitting there " and my son just got up , no

questions. My son began to walk around the table and see where he could fit

in . Finally, 2 of the kids got up and he sat back down

When he sat, one of the boys started to tell him to

get up that someone else had built that . My son kept looking over at us and

we would come over and tell him it was OK that it was his turn to play now .

Yet, the boy kept telling him to get up .

Suddenly , my son brings his head down and quietly

began to cry . A boy who never even cared or seemed to notice other kids was

crying because he was rejected . I have to say that it killed me inside , I

could not believe that his first attempt to make a friend went this way . As

we walked out the store he told me " That best friend is not going to my

school " , I am assuming he thought that would be a best friend .

I am NOT at all OK with what happened to my son . To any

one else this might have been just a little issue but to my husband and I it

was a HUGE break through and a HUGE discouragement to my son . Since then he

has not really approached any kids again .

It hurt him , it hurt him real bad he felt humiliated and

rejected and I could see it in the way he cried . Not a loud

" meltdown " cry but a quiet , silent defeated cry . God willing he

will forget this incident in a while ( he has an amazing memory) but I will

NEVER forget . It hurt me more than anyone will ever know .

From: Interesting

Subject: Re: Grief

To: sList

Date: Sunday, August 31, 2008, 10:26 AM

,

I

agree that all children should learn appropriate socialization skills.

This should begin early and continue on through their education. We

should all be taught acceptance (not just tolerance) of others who are

different than we are. However, as you likely know, this intolerance or

lack of acceptance also stems from their families and society. There is

plenty of research on hate (race, religion, culture, etc.) that discusses

where this comes from.

This

is a much broader issue than just trying to teach typical kids how to accept

our kids.

Also,

there is the fact that kids are cruel. If it is not autism, it will be

because the kid looks different, is Black, is Jewish, has low self-esteem,

has alcoholic parents, isn't dressed right, has curly/straight hair,

blue/brown eyes. I am sure if you think back to your childhood, you can

recall being made fun of or left out for something. Kids are

cruel.

I

know we try really hard to teach our kids to be social and I know it has

broken my heart to see my son try so hard to engage with a small group of

girls at the playground (at age 4) and this one snotty little prissy girl (I

have issues) said, " We are not playing that game anymore. " I

felt like his heart had been crushed. But, his issues are not my

issues. I would have felt crushed and I did feel that for him and I did

for myself from when I was a kid. Those are not his issues. He

has a good sense of self-esteem and confidence. He was probably more

like " So what? I will play with someone else then. "

There have been other instances of this occurrence and I am sure we can all

relate to this. My partner literally freaks when we are in social

situations with him and so worries about his well-being. She does not

want him to be laughed at or ridiculed. Neither do any of us. I

just try to instill in him that it is ok and sometimes not all kids want to

play with him. It is not his fault. Just try again.

I

also find that at this age, it is helpful if I help to engage kids in

play. B/c remember, other kids want to please adults. If I am the

" cool " adult playing with them, when their parents/nannies/

whatever are sitting on a bench, then yay. They are more likely to

positively engage with my son. During these times, if they ask, I try

to teach them that all kids are different and just b/c mine may not talk like

them, it is ok and we can find something to do that is fun for all.

Also,

research indicates that kids who bully are from families who are challenged

in other areas. These are very insecure children who have esteem

issues, likely stemming from parental problems. We should be empathetic

to them as well and teach them other ways to reach out and increase their

esteem and social skills.

It

starts early though. And, unfortunately or fortunately, these social

skills used to be taught in kindergarten. Kindergarten used to be a

time to work on being ready for 1st grade. Now, it is entirely

academic. No time for teaching good social interaction. And, how

many adults do you know that actually have really good social skills and

could teach them?

And,

if you met an adult with autism, what would your interaction be like with

that person? That could be a question posed for anyone willing to

answer. What do you have in common and is that someone you would pick

to be your friend? We cannot make people like our kids, just like we

cannot make people like us or we like them. Every relationship we have

fills a need and very often we have different groups of friends to fill our

different needs. Some like to drink with us. Some like to go to

the movies with us. Some we really enjoy having dinner with. Some

we enjoy sitting on a porch with and say nothing.

I

would love to have dinner with Temple Grandin but even she says she only

converses to exchange information. My enjoyment of a conversation may

be different at times. Sometimes as most of you can see, I like to talk

just to talk.

Relationships

are complicated. ..

-----

Original Message -----

From: Heifferon

To: sList@ yahoogroups. com

Sent: Saturday, August

30, 2008 6:43 PM

Subject: RE:

Grief

Tina, I worry more about the other

side of the coin: typical children. We put so much effort in encouraging our

children to be social and there seems to be so little effort for typical

children to completely understand a different peer. Schools have no tolerance

for a bully but do they understand why a child who is different is the object

of their behavior? We need to try and correct these negative outbreaks. Maybe

we need sensitivity programs. Schools need to teach more than the 3

R’s.

From:

sList@ yahoogroups. com [mailto:sList @yahoogroups. com] On

Behalf Of TinaTerriAustin

Sent: Saturday, August 30, 2008 3:02 PM

To: sList@ yahoogroups. com

Subject: Re: Grief

That is very true, ,

but they have to be taught to appreciate the nuances and abilities of our

kids.

Our kids are not typical

and don't often give back. Adults are used to getting something back,

their own reinforcement. When an adult says, " Hi " , they

expect a " Hi " in return. When the kid looks away and or is

flapping or hopping in place, the adult may feel rejected. That is the

adult's issue. It is a sort of transference from whatever other time

they were rejected in the past and now they are getting it from a child and

that pushes their buttons. We, adults, have our own scripts for

how relationships work, how they develop and what the script is when we meet

others. When it does not go according to that script, some of us are

uncomfortable.

When my son was first

identified, for some reason, I just thought all my friends and family were

along on the crazy ride with me and were learning with me. It finally

occurred to me (see how self-centered I still am??) that I needed to teach

them how to relate to my son. This was something I was learning and had

been going through for 24 hours a day every day. I got it, I was

connecting. But I had to teach others how to connect with him and help

him every step of the way to connect with them as well.

For example, I would

take him to karate every Tuesday and Thursday and we would stop and say

" hi " to everyone and use their names and practice. I would

kneel down to his level and tell the adults or kids to get closer to his

level to make eye contact easier. Then help him look at them while

saying " Hi, Ms. Whatever. " Every time. I realized I

could not be lazy about this. He needed to learn and who else was going

to teach him b/c he was not obviously picking it up on his own. This

took time, and many, many trials. But now, we walk into that school and

he knows everyone and knows how to say " hi " to them by name.

And, everyone in that school, adults and kids, know how to talk to him and

any other child that walks in there with autism.

I also learned I had to

be comfortable with who he is. He is very intuitive and can sense

others' discomfort. I think adults often expect kids to perform for

them and our kids don't perform. Perhaps they are old souls and think

to themselves, " Why? "

Re: Re: BIO-MEDICAL INTERVENTION

In a message dated 8/23/2008 12:12:53

A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, thecohanes@comcast net writes:

I feel like I am pulling ay straws

trying to find the reasons for my daughters behavior

What kind of behavior is your child

having? You might want to check out the Feingold Diet. It is very effective

for children extremely reactive to phenols, dyes, chemicals, etc.

Badillo

It's only a deal if it's where you

want to go. Find your travel deal here.

September 1, 2008

I have several thoughts, different perspectives, about this.

First, I am very sorry you had to experience that as I am sure it was very painful for you all.

My son, too, has gone through these types of experiences and I am sure most of our kids have experienced rejection. After most situations, I try to look back at them and see how I could have helped and/or what would I have done differently if my kid were typical?

In a situation like this, which I have experienced and have approached several different ways...

I have learned to use a verbal behavior errorless prompting strategy and given my son the words to say to the other child. While it is good to encourage my son that what he is doing is ok and correct, it is equally important I teach him how to stand up for himself and what to say to a child who says these things to him. Such as, "Nobody's here, it's my turn now." Or whatever a child that age would typically do. Most 4 and 5 year olds tell their parents.

Then, my other thought is that we are a community of people where I believe it takes a village to raise our children, all of our children and that I would have said something to that child about nobody sitting there and that it is my son's turn. We all have to learn to take turns or whatever the appropriate lesson is for that situation.

I think it is amazing your son referenced you during this situation. That is awesome!!! And, while it hurts us to see our kids hurting and feeling sad, this is actually a good thing. There are many children who don't appear to be affected (not that they are not affected, but it is not outward or expressed) and it is great that your son was able to express his feelings and appropriately for his age.

The situation you and your son experienced is exactly why the errorless prompting works so well. It helps them do it right before they have to experience anything negative. Before the verbal behavior program, I remember my son with his one-to-one at preschool would basically just keep him away from other kids b/c she was afraid he would hurt them (he used to push to get a game of chase going). B/c all his previous efforts failed at initiating relationships. My ABA person at that time demonstrated how the errorless prompting strategies would help before he had a chance to do it wrong and feel bad. The point is to help him be successful so he will want to try again. Our kids struggle to learn from other kids in that way or from our demonstrations of how to interact. They very often need to be taught these steps and nuances of interacting.

Re: Re: BIO-MEDICAL INTERVENTION

In a message dated 8/23/2008 12:12:53 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, thecohanes@comcast net writes:

I feel like I am pulling ay straws trying to find the reasons for my daughters behavior

What kind of behavior is your child having? You might want to check out the Feingold Diet. It is very effective for children extremely reactive to phenols, dyes, chemicals, etc.

Badillo

It's only a deal if it's where you want to go. Find your travel deal here.

September 1, 2008

Hi Maureen,

That is so discouraging. I know he will find the right friend when the time is right..you will see! Each one of us is tying to help our children the best we can. We are all also on a different level of grief. I for one would love to be in your shoes now.! I can't even bring my daughter out in public right now without a problem, that has been the case now or six monhs,and I am struggling just to find her the right therapy, and help from he school.

It tears a my heart strings, and for now I am her best friend;even if she does not know it, or even if she does not want me to be.

She is my little angel of light,and I wish I could make all of our pain go away. For now I love her, and love all that every momet I choose that makes us happy.Even if it is as siple as sharing a bowl of strawberries, or a tiny moment of eye contact.) The other moments, I toss back in the volt of my wary mind for safe keeping. I know I will still need to refer backto them and help others as I go along in the unusual life I lead. Regardless of the things we think are let downs the future may only prove us wrong. I have faith that each one of us will look back and say " I did the best I could,..and so did my child!"

"CHOOSE YOUR MOMENTS..... DON"T LET THEM CHOOSE YOU!"

Kriss..( Sky's Mom )

Re: Re: BIO-MEDICAL INTERVENTION

In a message dated 8/23/2008 12:12:53 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, thecohanes@comcast net writes:

I feel like I am pulling ay straws trying to find the reasons for my daughters behavior

What kind of behavior is your child having? You might want to check out the Feingold Diet. It is very effective for children extremely reactive to phenols, dyes, chemicals, etc.

Badillo

It's only a deal if it's where you want to go. Find your travel deal here.

September 1, 2008

Hi Maureen,

My heart goes out to you and to your son. I know how he felt because I was the kid who never got invited to any b-day parties at school and who was always picked last, left out, etc... I was "the nerd". And to know that my son will go through the same but even worse breaks my heart. I pray God puts in his path some NT children that have been taught well about love, friendship, compassion, acceptance and appreciation of diversity! We can only hope...My best to you both. How old is your son? He is welcome anytime in our home to come and play

Ida

From: Interesting <austintandt@ bellsouth. net>Subject: Re: GriefTo: sList@ yahoogroups. comDate: Sunday, August 31, 2008, 10:26 AM