Re: An Angry Vent

[Guest guest]

Here's my thoughts: hit delete if they don't seem helpful

It may be time to come right out and say to your family something along the lines of: I appreciate your concern, however, my body, weight, health and food/eating decisions are mine and mine alone. My weight and food is no longer a topic that is ok to comment on or talk about.

I would say this at a time when you are not feeling too angry. I think it would be empowering for you to set those types of limits! It also gives you the respect you should have regarding your body and food decisions, etc.

Just my thoughts!

Kim

IE since Aug 08

Subject: An Angry VentTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Sunday, November 23, 2008, 3:45 PM

Yesterday's message on sub - personalities really got me thinking. I realized I have the nice guy, the silent rebel and angry one. The last two are responses to the my nice guy syndrome. Most of the time I am a nice guy, especially within my family. I am passive aggressive and do not stand up for myself. I have let everyone, namely my family and society, fixate on my weight. I have allowed them to embarrass me in front of others. I have allowed them to dismiss my objections to this. I am considered too sensitive. The silent rebel has indirectly rejected to this for years. I have done this by eating whatever I want but in secret. Of course this only lands up harming me more than them. But by allowing myself to eat whatever I want within a context where no one can comment enables me to do what I can not publicly say, "screw you". Lately I have noticed the angry one emerging. At first I was

disturbed by this but now I almost welcome it. In some ways I feel like it is a positive progression. I have become extremely angry that everyone has been allowed to comment and dictate what I should do with my body but myself. I have finally reached a point where I am completely fed up with people walking all over me. This is my body and my life. I will decide what I do with it. I am kind of stuck at this point. Individually I am trying to direct this anger positively. More specifically to focusing on intuitively eating so I can move beyond my disordered eating. But I am really struggling with how to negotiate this among my family. For years they have worried about me being healthy. They are truly worried about me becoming unhealthy, obese, having diabetes etc... They have seen me struggle with maintaining a weight I am happy with. They fail to see how their worrying and obsessing

has contributed to my struggle. This needs to be set within the context of my weight. I am 5 foot 6 inches and my highest weight has been 185 pounds, right now I am 178. I wear a size 12. I have no weight - related medical concerns. I offer this up because I believe my parents concerns are based on their individual anxiety, and genuine concern. But I think their concern is largely unwarranted. We have had many conversations and fights about it. Recently they have finally realized these interactions were ruining our relationship. So there have been less fights, which is a huge relief. But I know they still think about it and every once in awhile a comment slips out. I have given up on changing their approach. I also refuse to communicate my deep pain and hurt to them. Although we have had our disagreements they have been wonderful and supportive parents. In no manner do I want them to

feel like I think otherwise. This is my nice guy side. So I am really struggling with how to take care of myself while ignoring my family's comments.Has anyone else had this experience? Anyone found good techniques to work through all this? Thanks for reading my rant. : )

[Guest guest]

I love the " hit the delete " idea... I am totally going to practice that!

I think not hitting delete has contributed further to my poor body

image. Whether the comments were directly negative or not I have

internalized them to support my negative self talk.

I really really appreciate your advice and input. It makes me realize

that I am angry at others for crossing my personal comfort limits. And

I am also mad at myself for letting them.

I am anticipating some comments this coming Holiday season so I think

having a script prepared is a good idea.

Thanks!

>

> Here's my thoughts: hit delete if they don't seem helpful

>  

> It may be time to come right out and say to your family something

along the lines of: I appreciate your concern, however, my body,

weight, health and food/eating decisions are  mine and mine alone. My

weight and food is no longer a topic that is ok to comment on or talk

about.

>  

> I would say this at a time when you are not feeling too angry. I

think it would be empowering for you to set those types of limits! It

also gives you the respect you should have regarding your body and food

decisions, etc.

>  

> Just my thoughts!

> Kim

> IE since Aug 08

[Guest guest]

You are 100% right. Having other people obsess over my weight has

only exasberated my issues with my body and food.

Also, I never really attached my anger to my hurt. But you are so

right, I am angry because I was hurt. So I am glad I am finallyyyyy

feeling angry. For too long I have passed my emotions off as being

oversensitive. Whats the next step again? haha!

Thanks for your feedback!

K

> >

> > Yesterday's message on sub - personalities really got me

thinking. I

> > realized I have the nice guy, the silent rebel and angry one. The

> > last two are responses to the my nice guy syndrome. Most of the

time

> > I am a nice guy, especially within my family. I am passive

aggressive

> > and do not stand up for myself. I have let everyone, namely my

family

> > and society, fixate on my weight. I have allowed them to

embarrass me

> > in front of others. I have allowed them to dismiss my objections

to

> > this. I am considered too sensitive.

> >

> > The silent rebel has indirectly rejected to this for years. I

have

> > done this by eating whatever I want but in secret. Of course this

> > only lands up harming me more than them. But by allowing myself

to

> > eat whatever I want within a context where no one can comment

enables

> > me to do what I can not publicly say, " screw you " .

> >

> > Lately I have noticed the angry one emerging. At first I was

> > disturbed by this but now I almost welcome it. In some ways I

feel

> > like it is a positive progression. I have become extremely angry

that

> > everyone has been allowed to comment and dictate what I should do

> > with my body but myself.

> >

> > I have finally reached a point where I am completely fed up with

> > people walking all over me. This is my body and my life. I will

> > decide what I do with it.

> >

> > I am kind of stuck at this point. Individually I am trying to

direct

> > this anger positively. More specifically to focusing on

intuitively

> > eating so I can move beyond my disordered eating.

> >

> > But I am really struggling with how to negotiate this among my

> > family. For years they have worried about me being healthy. They

are

> > truly worried about me becoming unhealthy, obese, having diabetes

> > etc... They have seen me struggle with maintaining a weight I am

> > happy with. They fail to see how their worrying and obsessing has

> > contributed to my struggle.

> >

> > This needs to be set within the context of my weight. I am 5 foot

6

> > inches and my highest weight has been 185 pounds, right now I am

178.

> > I wear a size 12. I have no weight - related medical concerns. I

> > offer this up because I believe my parents concerns are based on

> > their individual anxiety, and genuine concern. But I think their

> > concern is largely unwarranted.

> >

> > We have had many conversations and fights about it. Recently they

> > have finally realized these interactions were ruining our

> > relationship. So there have been less fights, which is a huge

relief.

> > But I know they still think about it and every once in awhile a

> > comment slips out. I have given up on changing their approach. I

also

> > refuse to communicate my deep pain and hurt to them. Although we

have

> > had our disagreements they have been wonderful and supportive

> > parents. In no manner do I want them to feel like I think

otherwise.

> > This is my nice guy side.

> >

> > So I am really struggling with how to take care of myself while

> > ignoring my family's comments.

> >

> > Has anyone else had this experience? Anyone found good techniques

to

> > work through all this?

> >

> > Thanks for reading my rant. : )

> >

>

[Guest guest]

(see below)

>

> You are 100% right. Having other people obsess over my weight has

> only exasberated my issues with my body and food.

>

> Also, I never really attached my anger to my hurt. But you are so

> right, I am angry because I was hurt. So I am glad I am finallyyyyy

> feeling angry. For too long I have passed my emotions off as being

> oversensitive. Whats the next step again? haha!

There's a book called The Dance of Anger. I got pretty good info from

it

ehugs, Katcha

>

> Thanks for your feedback!

> K

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Norma,

I have had a similar experience with Intuitive Eating. I have

struggled with a mild form of depression for years. It was only after

I started practing Intuitive Eating and learned I was numbing my

emotions with food that I discovered the source of my depression. My

depression was caused by repressing/numbing my anger. Whenever I felt

hurt or disrespected or taken advantage of, instead of getting angry,

as I should have done, I just zoned out on carbs and felt like a

victim and got depressed. Once I became aware of this and stopped

using food to numb my emotions, I was amazed at how much anger I

felt, about past events as well as ongoing situations. However, the

depression did not begin to lift until I started to express my anger.

It was and still is very challenging, because, like you, the people

who most often hurt me and disrespect me and take advantage of me are

those who are closest to me - my family and my husband. But it has

gotten more natural and less daunting for me now to express my

feelings. It has almost become automatic for me. It has become

another way for me to respond to my body and give it what it needs.

If I feel hunger pangs, I know I need to feed my body. If I feel a

tightening in my stomach and a queasy, uneasy feeling, I know that

someone has said or done something to cause me distress and this

matter needs to be addressed.

With time and practice (Unfortunately, I seem to get lots of practice

because it takes time to teach people that I will no longer allow

myself to be treated this way.), I am able to confront the person

with less anger and " drama " (tears, ranting) and simply and calmly

state why I do not consider their comments or behavior acceptable and

inform them that I will not allow myself to be treated this way by

them in the future. Of course, if the person is a hopeless case, such

as my brother, I have decided to distance myself from him,

emotionally as well as physically. I haven't seen him in several

months.

Just sit with your thoughts and feelings and " listen " to what your

body, mind, and heart are telling you. When the time is right, you

will know what it is you need to say to your family to bring you

peace and healing.

Good luck to you.

>

> Yesterday's message on sub - personalities really got me thinking.

I

> realized I have the nice guy, the silent rebel and angry one. The

> last two are responses to the my nice guy syndrome. Most of the

time

> I am a nice guy, especially within my family. I am passive

aggressive

> and do not stand up for myself. I have let everyone, namely my

family

> and society, fixate on my weight. I have allowed them to embarrass

me

> in front of others. I have allowed them to dismiss my objections to

> this. I am considered too sensitive.

>

> The silent rebel has indirectly rejected to this for years. I have

> done this by eating whatever I want but in secret. Of course this

> only lands up harming me more than them. But by allowing myself to

> eat whatever I want within a context where no one can comment

enables

> me to do what I can not publicly say, " screw you " .

>

> Lately I have noticed the angry one emerging. At first I was

> disturbed by this but now I almost welcome it. In some ways I feel

> like it is a positive progression. I have become extremely angry

that

> everyone has been allowed to comment and dictate what I should do

> with my body but myself.

>

> I have finally reached a point where I am completely fed up with

> people walking all over me. This is my body and my life. I will

> decide what I do with it.

>

> I am kind of stuck at this point. Individually I am trying to

direct

> this anger positively. More specifically to focusing on intuitively

> eating so I can move beyond my disordered eating.

>

> But I am really struggling with how to negotiate this among my

> family. For years they have worried about me being healthy. They

are

> truly worried about me becoming unhealthy, obese, having diabetes

> etc... They have seen me struggle with maintaining a weight I am

> happy with. They fail to see how their worrying and obsessing has

> contributed to my struggle.

>

> This needs to be set within the context of my weight. I am 5 foot 6

> inches and my highest weight has been 185 pounds, right now I am

178.

> I wear a size 12. I have no weight - related medical concerns. I

> offer this up because I believe my parents concerns are based on

> their individual anxiety, and genuine concern. But I think their

> concern is largely unwarranted.

>

> We have had many conversations and fights about it. Recently they

> have finally realized these interactions were ruining our

> relationship. So there have been less fights, which is a huge

relief.

> But I know they still think about it and every once in awhile a

> comment slips out. I have given up on changing their approach. I

also

> refuse to communicate my deep pain and hurt to them. Although we

have

> had our disagreements they have been wonderful and supportive

> parents. In no manner do I want them to feel like I think

otherwise.

> This is my nice guy side.

>

> So I am really struggling with how to take care of myself while

> ignoring my family's comments.

>

> Has anyone else had this experience? Anyone found good techniques

to

> work through all this?

>

> Thanks for reading my rant. : )

>

[Guest guest]

I can totally relate to everything you have said. My family (my mother mostly) have made comments about my weight all my life. And I've always just taken it, then felt sad and depressed. I've always been the "nice guy" too. I never felt angry until I started IE. I had a spell where I was angry at everything...no doubt from supressing my anger for years.

Your family really has nothing to worry about and make comments about. 5 foot 6 and 178 pounds is nothing for them to be worried about!

Kipkabob

(Intuitive eating since September 2006)

Subject: An Angry VentTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Received: Sunday, November 23, 2008, 3:45 PM

Yesterday's message on sub - personalities really got me thinking. I realized I have the nice guy, the silent rebel and angry one. The last two are responses to the my nice guy syndrome. Most of the time I am a nice guy, especially within my family. I am passive aggressive and do not stand up for myself. I have let everyone, namely my family and society, fixate on my weight. I have allowed them to embarrass me in front of others. I have allowed them to dismiss my objections to this. I am considered too sensitive. The silent rebel has indirectly rejected to this for years. I have done this by eating whatever I want but in secret. Of course this only lands up harming me more than them. But by allowing myself to eat whatever I want within a context where no one can comment enables me to do what I can not publicly say, "screw you". Lately I have noticed the angry one emerging. At first I was

disturbed by this but now I almost welcome it. In some ways I feel like it is a positive progression. I have become extremely angry that everyone has been allowed to comment and dictate what I should do with my body but myself. I have finally reached a point where I am completely fed up with people walking all over me. This is my body and my life. I will decide what I do with it. I am kind of stuck at this point. Individually I am trying to direct this anger positively. More specifically to focusing on intuitively eating so I can move beyond my disordered eating. But I am really struggling with how to negotiate this among my family. For years they have worried about me being healthy. They are truly worried about me becoming unhealthy, obese, having diabetes etc... They have seen me struggle with maintaining a weight I am happy with. They fail to see how their worrying and obsessing

has contributed to my struggle. This needs to be set within the context of my weight. I am 5 foot 6 inches and my highest weight has been 185 pounds, right now I am 178. I wear a size 12. I have no weight - related medical concerns. I offer this up because I believe my parents concerns are based on their individual anxiety, and genuine concern. But I think their concern is largely unwarranted. We have had many conversations and fights about it. Recently they have finally realized these interactions were ruining our relationship. So there have been less fights, which is a huge relief. But I know they still think about it and every once in awhile a comment slips out. I have given up on changing their approach. I also refuse to communicate my deep pain and hurt to them. Although we have had our disagreements they have been wonderful and supportive parents. In no manner do I want them to

feel like I think otherwise. This is my nice guy side. So I am really struggling with how to take care of myself while ignoring my family's comments.Has anyone else had this experience? Anyone found good techniques to work through all this? Thanks for reading my rant. : )

Ask a question on any topic and get answers from real people. Go to Yahoo! Answers.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing your story! It is really nice to hear from

someone else who has had to set limits with their family.

K

> >

> > Yesterday's message on sub - personalities really got me

thinking.

> I

> > realized I have the nice guy, the silent rebel and angry one. The

> > last two are responses to the my nice guy syndrome. Most of the

> time

> > I am a nice guy, especially within my family. I am passive

> aggressive

> > and do not stand up for myself. I have let everyone, namely my

> family

> > and society, fixate on my weight. I have allowed them to

embarrass

> me

> > in front of others. I have allowed them to dismiss my objections

to

> > this. I am considered too sensitive.

> >

> > The silent rebel has indirectly rejected to this for years. I

have

> > done this by eating whatever I want but in secret. Of course this

> > only lands up harming me more than them. But by allowing myself

to

> > eat whatever I want within a context where no one can comment

> enables

> > me to do what I can not publicly say, " screw you " .

> >

> > Lately I have noticed the angry one emerging. At first I was

> > disturbed by this but now I almost welcome it. In some ways I

feel

> > like it is a positive progression. I have become extremely angry

> that

> > everyone has been allowed to comment and dictate what I should do

> > with my body but myself.

> >

> > I have finally reached a point where I am completely fed up with

> > people walking all over me. This is my body and my life. I will

> > decide what I do with it.

> >

> > I am kind of stuck at this point. Individually I am trying to

> direct

> > this anger positively. More specifically to focusing on

intuitively

> > eating so I can move beyond my disordered eating.

> >

> > But I am really struggling with how to negotiate this among my

> > family. For years they have worried about me being healthy. They

> are

> > truly worried about me becoming unhealthy, obese, having diabetes

> > etc... They have seen me struggle with maintaining a weight I am

> > happy with. They fail to see how their worrying and obsessing has

> > contributed to my struggle.

> >

> > This needs to be set within the context of my weight. I am 5 foot

6

> > inches and my highest weight has been 185 pounds, right now I am

> 178.

> > I wear a size 12. I have no weight - related medical concerns. I

> > offer this up because I believe my parents concerns are based on

> > their individual anxiety, and genuine concern. But I think their

> > concern is largely unwarranted.

> >

> > We have had many conversations and fights about it. Recently they

> > have finally realized these interactions were ruining our

> > relationship. So there have been less fights, which is a huge

> relief.

> > But I know they still think about it and every once in awhile a

> > comment slips out. I have given up on changing their approach. I

> also

> > refuse to communicate my deep pain and hurt to them. Although we

> have

> > had our disagreements they have been wonderful and supportive

> > parents. In no manner do I want them to feel like I think

> otherwise.

> > This is my nice guy side.

> >

> > So I am really struggling with how to take care of myself while

> > ignoring my family's comments.

> >

> > Has anyone else had this experience? Anyone found good techniques

> to

> > work through all this?

> >

> > Thanks for reading my rant. : )

> >

>

[Guest guest]

When I finally realized I was sad because I was angry I was mad at

everyone (ha)!

[Guest guest]

It's added on my amazon wishlist! You can buy it used for a cent, can't

beat that deal!

K

[Guest guest]

I always passed my emotions off as nothing. Only through this group

have I finally realized how much of a perfectionist and caregiver I am.

And how draining and consuming this has been for me.

- K