An Angry Vent

[Guest guest]

Yesterday's message on sub - personalities really got me thinking. I

realized I have the nice guy, the silent rebel and angry one. The

last two are responses to the my nice guy syndrome. Most of the time

I am a nice guy, especially within my family. I am passive aggressive

and do not stand up for myself. I have let everyone, namely my family

and society, fixate on my weight. I have allowed them to embarrass me

in front of others. I have allowed them to dismiss my objections to

this. I am considered too sensitive.

The silent rebel has indirectly rejected to this for years. I have

done this by eating whatever I want but in secret. Of course this

only lands up harming me more than them. But by allowing myself to

eat whatever I want within a context where no one can comment enables

me to do what I can not publicly say, " screw you " .

Lately I have noticed the angry one emerging. At first I was

disturbed by this but now I almost welcome it. In some ways I feel

like it is a positive progression. I have become extremely angry that

everyone has been allowed to comment and dictate what I should do

with my body but myself.

I have finally reached a point where I am completely fed up with

people walking all over me. This is my body and my life. I will

decide what I do with it.

I am kind of stuck at this point. Individually I am trying to direct

this anger positively. More specifically to focusing on intuitively

eating so I can move beyond my disordered eating.

But I am really struggling with how to negotiate this among my

family. For years they have worried about me being healthy. They are

truly worried about me becoming unhealthy, obese, having diabetes

etc... They have seen me struggle with maintaining a weight I am

happy with. They fail to see how their worrying and obsessing has

contributed to my struggle.

This needs to be set within the context of my weight. I am 5 foot 6

inches and my highest weight has been 185 pounds, right now I am 178.

I wear a size 12. I have no weight - related medical concerns. I

offer this up because I believe my parents concerns are based on

their individual anxiety, and genuine concern. But I think their

concern is largely unwarranted.

We have had many conversations and fights about it. Recently they

have finally realized these interactions were ruining our

relationship. So there have been less fights, which is a huge relief.

But I know they still think about it and every once in awhile a

comment slips out. I have given up on changing their approach. I also

refuse to communicate my deep pain and hurt to them. Although we have

had our disagreements they have been wonderful and supportive

parents. In no manner do I want them to feel like I think otherwise.

This is my nice guy side.

So I am really struggling with how to take care of myself while

ignoring my family's comments.

Has anyone else had this experience? Anyone found good techniques to

work through all this?

Thanks for reading my rant. : )