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[Guest guest]

When my wife and I got home last Wednesday, there were three people here (a

friend of my daughter's, her boyfriend, and somebody we didn't know) packing my

daughter's stuff into a pickup. There was a tremendous amount of hostility

directed towards us from these three - my daughter didn't say anything, so it

was difficult to assess her state of mind, and I have no idea what she said to

them that would have caused such a response from them towards us.

The friend insisted that she show us something - my daughter held out her

wrists, which had cuts on them (my wife, an RN, thought they looked more like

scratches). It seems to me that they did not look like a serious suicide

attempt, but if the desired effect was to get sympathy, it certainly worked.

I do have some real concern - she's been on Prozac for about 6 weeks, and last

week the doctor doubled the dosage. In addition, her mother, my ex-wife, is

mentally ill, progressively so, and first started showing signs of illness when

she was around my daughter's age (20), maybe a couple of years earlier. My ex

had a number of diagnoses, since she was constantly therapist shopping - but BPD

was the one that fit like a glove.

My present wife, daughter and I have been in family therapy for a while, trying

to work through issues, and I thought we were making progress, so this was a

complete shock, and my wife and I were devastated. I could hardly sleep at

night, and can hardly stay awake during the day. It hasn't been quite so hard

on my wife, but if my daughter was stronger on the empathy front, she'd

certainly be able to move beyond the wicked stepmother model that she has

clearly created over the years. My wife has been very concerned, and upset by

this, she's just pulling herself together a little faster than me. We are just

hanging in there and trying to cope.

I took time off from work and school, hoping that I'll be feeling a little more

human after the weekend. At first I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, didn't think.

I'm doing a little better now.

My wife and I have talked with the people where my daughter is staying (the

parents of her friend) and they said that they don't have any idea what's going

on either, but their assessment is that she's ok, and she has decided to go back

into counseling and talk about " what's really going on " with her - I thought I

knew what her issues were - issues around food, self-esteem, unwillingness to

take responsibility for the consequences of her actions, perhaps developing

personality disorder - and felt she wasn't discussing them with her counselor)

but now feel there are probably things that I don't know about.

I don't know how I went from being " the coolest dad in the world " to whatever I

am now (in a matter of months or weeks), and I don't know what else is going on

because for whatever reason she's stopped communicating that to us, but it's

hopeful that she intends to talk to somebody else about it.

My ex-wife called a couple of days ago (she now lives half a country away,

hasn't been involved my our daughter's life for nearly a decade other than

letters and phone calls). I felt I should tell her what was going on, and gave

her the phone number where our daughter's at.

She called back this morning, and had some new information for me. She was

convinced the suicide attempt was real (of course she was, ALL of hers were, too

- they were equally ineffectual, and there were many of them). She had learned

from our daughter that she had cut deep into her skin (not flesh but skin) but

stopped because it hurt. She didn't try taking a whole bottle of Prozac, for

example, which was also at her disposal. Her rescuers didn't take her to the

emergency room. She didn't miss any school or work. She's made no attempt to

contact us. Since we are apparently the villains in this picture, we haven't

contacted her.

I hope to get some support and understanding from this list, and information.

Does any research indicate a genetic component to BPD? I read through some of

the back messages, and it appears that some parents believe that their children

were molested by ex-spouses -based on what the children said. All of the people

that I've met that have retracted accusations of child abuse (particularly

satanic ritual child abuse) were Borderline. (you'd be surprised how many I've

met - I was active with the FMSF for a time, because of my ex). Isn't this one

of the ways they seek attention? My ex accused her parents of this at one

point. I am also concerned I'll be accused - I wonder if that's what she might

have said to her friends to get them so excited. If she was saying these sorts

of things, you'd think she'd say it to my ex - who probably would have loved to

hear it. It doesn't seem that she did.

I do know that she seemed to by trying out the idea on another friend a few

weeks back. He didn't go for it, but I wonder if she might revive the theme.

My ex would try out different things with different people, and see what would

stick. It seems like she was pretty reasonable in our interactions - this is

something new. Do BPDs ever burn out on their disorders, even if therapy wasn't

effective? We're in our mid-forties now.

I don't even know if my daughter is borderline. In my opinion, she meets 4 to

6 of the 8 Axis-DSM diagnostic criteria for BPD - but the only ones that an

outsider might see is her developing eating disorder. She herself has long

complained of feelings of emptiness and boredom.

Sorry for going on so long. I should have acted on my concerns before - but

since my divorce from my first wife, I've had nearly a decade free of this

stuff, and when it started to look like it was back, I guess I went into denial.

I'm very grateful these resources are around (webpages and discussion lists. I

didn't know of anything like this back then, and it was a living hell to be

coping with it by myself.

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group. You are in the right place for

understanding and support. Thank you for sharing all

this with us. I'm too tired to share tonight but I

will try posting tomorrow.

Peace and Love,

phine

--- Matt Love wrote:

> When my wife and I got home last Wednesday, there

> were three people here (a friend of my daughter's,

> her boyfriend, and somebody we didn't know) packing

> my daughter's stuff into a pickup. There was a

> tremendous amount of hostility directed towards us

> from these three - my daughter didn't say anything,

> so it was difficult to assess her state of mind, and

> I have no idea what she said to them that would have

> caused such a response from them towards us.

>

> The friend insisted that she show us something - my

> daughter held out her wrists, which had cuts on them

> (my wife, an RN, thought they looked more like

> scratches). It seems to me that they did not look

> like a serious suicide attempt, but if the desired

> effect was to get sympathy, it certainly worked.

>

> I do have some real concern - she's been on Prozac

> for about 6 weeks, and last week the doctor doubled

> the dosage. In addition, her mother, my ex-wife, is

> mentally ill, progressively so, and first started

> showing signs of illness when she was around my

> daughter's age (20), maybe a couple of years

> earlier. My ex had a number of diagnoses, since she

> was constantly therapist shopping - but BPD was the

> one that fit like a glove.

>

> My present wife, daughter and I have been in family

> therapy for a while, trying to work through issues,

> and I thought we were making progress, so this was a

> complete shock, and my wife and I were devastated.

> I could hardly sleep at night, and can hardly stay

> awake during the day. It hasn't been quite so hard

> on my wife, but if my daughter was stronger on the

> empathy front, she'd certainly be able to move

> beyond the wicked stepmother model that she has

> clearly created over the years. My wife has been

> very concerned, and upset by this, she's just

> pulling herself together a little faster than me. We

> are just hanging in there and trying to cope.

>

> I took time off from work and school, hoping that

> I'll be feeling a little more human after the

> weekend. At first I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat,

> didn't think. I'm doing a little better now.

>

> My wife and I have talked with the people where my

> daughter is staying (the parents of her friend) and

> they said that they don't have any idea what's

> going on either, but their assessment is that she's

> ok, and she has decided to go back into counseling

> and talk about " what's really going on " with her - I

> thought I knew what her issues were - issues around

> food, self-esteem, unwillingness to take

> responsibility for the consequences of her actions,

> perhaps developing personality disorder - and felt

> she wasn't discussing them with her counselor) but

> now feel there are probably things that I don't know

> about.

>

> I don't know how I went from being " the coolest dad

> in the world " to whatever I am now (in a matter of

> months or weeks), and I don't know what else is

> going on because for whatever reason she's stopped

> communicating that to us, but it's hopeful that she

> intends to talk to somebody else about it.

>

> My ex-wife called a couple of days ago (she now

> lives half a country away, hasn't been involved my

> our daughter's life for nearly a decade other than

> letters and phone calls). I felt I should tell her

> what was going on, and gave her the phone number

> where our daughter's at.

>

> She called back this morning, and had some new

> information for me. She was convinced the suicide

> attempt was real (of course she was, ALL of hers

> were, too - they were equally ineffectual, and there

> were many of them). She had learned from our

> daughter that she had cut deep into her skin (not

> flesh but skin) but stopped because it hurt. She

> didn't try taking a whole bottle of Prozac, for

> example, which was also at her disposal. Her

> rescuers didn't take her to the emergency room. She

> didn't miss any school or work. She's made no

> attempt to contact us. Since we are apparently the

> villains in this picture, we haven't contacted her.

>

> I hope to get some support and understanding from

> this list, and information. Does any research

> indicate a genetic component to BPD? I read through

> some of the back messages, and it appears that some

> parents believe that their children were molested by

> ex-spouses -based on what the children said. All of

> the people that I've met that have retracted

> accusations of child abuse (particularly satanic

> ritual child abuse) were Borderline. (you'd be

> surprised how many I've met - I was active with the

> FMSF for a time, because of my ex). Isn't this one

> of the ways they seek attention? My ex accused her

> parents of this at one point. I am also concerned

> I'll be accused - I wonder if that's what she might

> have said to her friends to get them so excited. If

> she was saying these sorts of things, you'd think

> she'd say it to my ex - who probably would have

> loved to hear it. It doesn't seem that she did.

>

> I do know that she seemed to by trying out the idea

> on another friend a few weeks back. He didn't go

> for it, but I wonder if she might revive the theme.

> My ex would try out different things with different

> people, and see what would stick. It seems like she

> was pretty reasonable in our interactions - this is

> something new. Do BPDs ever burn out on their

> disorders, even if therapy wasn't effective? We're

> in our mid-forties now.

>

> I don't even know if my daughter is borderline. In

> my opinion, she meets 4 to 6 of the 8 Axis-DSM

> diagnostic criteria for BPD - but the only ones that

> an outsider might see is her developing eating

> disorder. She herself has long complained of

> feelings of emptiness and boredom.

>

> Sorry for going on so long. I should have acted on

> my concerns before - but since my divorce from my

> first wife, I've had nearly a decade free of this

> stuff, and when it started to look like it was back,

> I guess I went into denial. I'm very grateful these

> resources are around (webpages and discussion lists.

> I didn't know of anything like this back then, and

> it was a living hell to be coping with it by myself.

>

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

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