My IE New Year's resolutions

[Guest guest]

WARNING - THIS IS LONG!

I wrote this in my IE blog today (www.mikki-ie.blogspot.com if anyone wants to read my meanderings), and once done wanted to share here as it really sums up where I've gotten to in my IE journey in the last 2.5 months. I re-started IE in October after my best friend died of breast cancer and I realized just how useless it is to fritter away my life dieting ... and in a few weeks I'm getting my first mammogram since SHE was diagnosed 2.5 years ago, and frankly I'm so scared of that mammogram that I put it off until after christmas so that any bad news wouldn't ruin the kids' holiday season. But if one thing that losing a friend in her early 40's did was teach me that no matter what your age, there's no time to waste on things that don't bring you joy, so here are my dreams for the coming year:

December 30. Looking forward.

I'm not a resolution kind of girl, but Bill and I have a family tradition of our annual " dreams box " . Every year on new years eve, we write down our dreams for the next year on slips of paper, and save them in a goblet we picked up at a renessaince faire. That goblet sits on the mantle all year, untouched, until the next new years eve when we take them out and review, see what we've accomplished. Those that we've accomplished or any that we don't want any more, we burn in the fireplace to release. Some we carry forward to the next year. And it's amazing some of the " pipe-dreams " that have come to pass, so maybe this really has power - or maybe it's just a nice tradition where we align our goals as a couple.

Some of my goals for this year or much more IE-oriented and I'm not sure I want to share them in the family setting. So I'm working them out here in my private space :)First, I want to let go of my harshly judgemental body image problems. It used to be that I thought I knew how - just get my body to line up with what I thought I should look like, and I'd like my body image! I never expected to look like a supermodel - I'm not pretty and even when fit and trim I'm a little awkward. I get all red-faced when I work out, my boobs are always gonna sag because time doesn't go backwards, my eyes will always be too close together, and those varicose veins aren't going anywhere. But I'd look a lot better with a leaner face (no chipmunk cheeks or double chin?), if my arms don't waggle when I wave, lose those love-handles, and dang I'd love it if my thighs didn't rub together when I walk! But I've heard rumors that acceptance of even these things is possible, and I'd like to achieve a sense of peacefulness about myself, wherever I am and even though I'm actively working to get " better " .

Second, I want to give up any sense of fear, guilt, or shame about my food choices. I've made progress here, but have a long way to go. There are things that I think I'll be judged on if I eat them in front of others, and things I know I'll get a hard time about if I eat them in front of others (ie Bill). And I want to have a sense of peace and trust in myself, that

1. I feel good about everything I eat and trust my choices. 2. I don't make up things about what I think others might be thinking of my choices (because isn't imagining the judgement that others might be passing on me just another form of self-judgement?)

3. if someone does comment, it doesn't bother me because I am so OK with my choices that their opinion cannot shake my trust in myself.A rather funny illustration of #3 ... last night during a little mental crisis I mentioned to Bill that I'm sad that I didn't make progress in losing weight during 2008. His reply was that he'd cook healthier foods, but " you need to start eating oatmeal again. No more ham sandwiches! " . I thought it was funny as hell that he would zoom in on my sandwiches. After all, I ate oatmeal every weekday exclusively for 18 months - and my cholesterol went up. So tell me again why oatmeal is so " virtuous " ? And, honestly, what's so freaking bad about a sandwich? I did stoop so low as to count up the calories - but it's only 300-350 calories, and isn't that just about perfect for breakfast? You'd think he'd say " but you have to stop drinking " ... but he can't make an issue of my having a few drinks at night without admitting that HIS drinking is " worse " (in terms of a lot more empty calories).

So I can see pretty clearly by the light of day that his " diet advice " is very much filtered by the areas where he can feel superior. " Look, I'm eating oatmeal again, and you're not really serious about losing weight unless you eat oatmeal too " . I love the man to death, but in the context of his 6-pack of beer and half a can of nuts a night - passing judgement on diet quality on the basis of oatmeal consumption is just plain stupid. I'm not worried about our alcohol consumption - we've both had a checkup and our livers are just fine, and no one gets drunk or mean or has hangovers - it's just a source of empty calories that in a sane conversation about a Diet would be the FIRST thing to come on the chopping block.

So. What I want, for this year, is to gently and quietly stop caring about his well-meaning but kinda stupid advice or opinions about my choices. And learn how to make food choices that I'm so happy with that I can ignore or defend against any external judgement.

Third goal - to be perfectly honest, I DO want to be more fit and leaner!! But my thoughts lately have been less about showing off muscular legs and a cellulite-free butt in a swimsuit, and much more about feeling less winded, more energetic and getting rid of the back-aches and hip pains that come from carrying too much weight with too flabby muscles. If I have to make a choice, NEXT christmas I'd choose being strong and pain-free, with lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol, and a sense of energy and the feeling of " I can do this " , over being 150 pounds or a size 10. I still believe that I'm capable of doing BOTH, and think that the IE approach will get me moving in the right direction.

Mikki