Re: Having a difficult time being gentle w/self...

[Guest guest]

Marla,

My heart goes out to you. I can so relate. I've been there with my

Mom.

A few years ago, I realized that I didn't like the relationship I

had with my Mom. I realized that she wasn't going to change. So it

was up to me.

The thing that has helped me the most is called Shadow Work. Others

here have mentioned similar type of work. But it's about going into

our subconscious and learning to love and care for that hurt little

child inside each of us. If you can recall the earliest moment

where you felt the same way that you might be feeling. And then

imagine what message that little child has to give to you about that

situation where those feelings are so prevelant. Work at learning

the positive message that can come from the situation and the

feelings. And then imagine you now being the adult/parent giving to

that hurt child what she needs. Maybe it's just a hug or to be held

or to be told how beautiful she is. When you come out of this

visualization it is amazing how loved and energized you will feel.

(For more info check out www.debbieford.com). For me, I then was

able to forgive my Mom and I was able to give myself what I needed

instead of wishing it from her when she problably isn't capable of

giving it. Our relationship has improved ten fold and I now can be

with her for long periods of time without her pushing my buttons.

When my buttons do get pushed I can recognize it and do this same

process and figure out where it comes from and then give myself what

I need.

I am wishing you the best and lots of hugs.

Alana

>

> Warning: THIS IS FAIRLY LONG!

>

> My mother just left after a week-long visit and I feel kind of

> awful. She is one of the biggest sources of negativity for my

> psyche, self-worth, and overall food/weight issues. If she

doesn't

> comment on what I'm eating or the amount, I know she is thinking

it.

> She comments on everyone's weight and so-called " well-being "

whenever

> they aren't present, so I'm sure she does it with me, as well.

This

> bothers me immensely (sp?) and I'm having a difficult time shaking

it.

>

> Anticipating her visit, I tried to " prepare " myself for it. I'm

not

> so sure it did any good. I started restricting immediately and

> continued to get angry with myself about it. I got terribly angry

> with her for being the kind of person she is--negative and

> degrading. Of course, she isn't always this way--I just happen to

> hone in on it and dwell on the negative, which, of course, angered

me

> that I even did that!

>

> I tried to dress well and feel good about myself, but I think I

was

> doing it more for her than me...I continued to wait for either a

> negative comment or--GASP!--a compliment of some sort. I've

always

> wanted and needed to receive compliments from my mother, and it

> rarely happens. She can say that a piece of art or music is

> beautiful; she can even say that a plate of food is beautiful;

she

> cannot say that I or any of my children are beautiful. Ever. Why

> the hell not? It just hurts. Why can't I deal with this and move

> one so I can enjoy her while she's on this earth with us? She is

in

> her mid-70s and I just beat myself up for acting the way I do

around

> her. I don't even think talking with her about any of this will

do

> either of us any good. It will make her defensive and me just

feel

> like an idiot for mentioning it. Plus, I just cry when I get mad,

> which makes her think I'm weak. I'm always " over-reacting " to

> things. So. I have to handle/deal with this on my end and go

from

> there. It sure doesn't help that I'm PMS-ing, either. All of

those

> emotions are just multiplied by 100 or so. Plus, my youngest

> daughter is struggling with the pukes, so I've been entrenched in

her

> care these past few days. Fortunately, I have an extremely

> supportive husband and best girlfriend to lean on. My therapist

and

> nutrition counselor are out of their offices for the rest of the

> week, of course.

>

> Anyway. I deprived myself of some good food; I couldn't truly

savor

> much of anything, because I was so focused on watching what and

how

> much I ate. If she didn't comment on my eating, she made

references

> to how I was doing the wrong thing/s for my children. Or, worse

yet--

> she would comment on what or the amount of food my children ate!

>

> I'm rambling, I know, but this is my journal of sorts. I need to

get

> all of this out and get back to being gentle to myself.

>

> Thank you so much for your understanding and your shoulders. I am

so

> grateful for this forum and all of the members here. It's a great

> outlet for me to write and be " heard " --and to read what similar

> things other people have to deal with.

>

> Warmest regards,

> marla in charlottesville, va

>

[Guest guest]

I've heard a similar quote before..."Your family knows how to push your buttons because they installed them." And it's oh so true!

Kipkabob

(Intuitive eating since September 2006)

ps my mom herself has a great line that helps me sometimes... ÿour family doesn´t just push your buttons, they created them!

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[Guest guest]

Thank you to all who read and responded to my post. I felt so sad and

lost for a while--even very depressed--after my mother left. I beat

myself up for not being more forgiving with her and more accepting of

myself and my journey. It becomes such a struggle between

my " rational " mind and my " before IE " mind, and it just ends up making

me that much more frustrated. I feel like I have the tools to overcome

these obstacles, but cannot seem to put them to proper use. Time...it

takes time, I suppose.

Anyway, I digress...

I have to say that I got some very good, encouraging words from your

responses. I truly appreciate your kind words of knowledge and

encouragement. I have tucked them away in my heart and refer to them

often. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Blessings to you all~

marla